I spend all my waking hours in the exercise of Surrendering.
It's is a daunting exercise and takes a huge toll both emotionally and in terms of energy. How to move beyond that is incomprehensible to me for the time being. Perhaps in the big scheme of things, it is what is required of me on a Spiritual Level, in order to move forward in my Soul's Growth. Had no idea how difficult this lesson would be nor ever anticipated it would be one I would be subjected to. Unless on a subconscious level, which I suspect I did.
It is the hardest lesson of all since it requires one to wipe off everything and start with a clean slate in terms of the Ego. No wonder it is such a Battle. It's Ego Annihilation and the Ego is the strongest Foe/force within us. IT drives every aspect of our personality, character, perceptions, etc. and how we interact with the World.
I must admit that I quite like some aspects of this experience since I am gaining so much Wisdom. It also makes me aware of how far removed I have become from the World at Large. Who can relate to me....? No One! At least that I am aware of.
I am reaching a point where that is okay as well. We come into this world alone and leave ALONE. How we interpret and integrate what happens to us is what will move us forward. I have never felt victimized or blamed anything/anyone. I don't carry any burdens of guilt/regret and I am so grateful. (I do have a few around my Pets as in why did I think it was okay to have a goldfish and rabbits that had to be confined? No creature should be removed from it's natual enviroment!)
There are no words that I did not share with those whom I have loved and were Departing. Not just on their death beds but thoughout our lifelong interactions. That is a very affirming statement. Must admit that when I am on a real downer, I forget to think of it from that perspective and forget what a gentle/loving person I really am and always have been. Tend to focus on what is lacking in my life today.
I must find a way turn things around in my brain.
~ Tutte ~
