Third Fall this Year

This time as I was picking up a pair of slack off my bed to hang in my closet. I forgot about the sharp corner of my very low Danish bed as I was going to bed around 4 am. I tripped over it, lost my balance and  hit the side of my sharp cornered night table with my left shoulder and the flipped over to my right side and hit the right corner full force with my right forehead. I have hit that corner so many times in the last 45 years but only put a divot in my calf. Obviously not a practical design.

As usual when I fall and I can't get up, I tried to butt crawl to the side of my bed thinking I could hoist myself up but because of the pain in that arm, I couldn't so I butt crawled into the living room hoping to find some way to reach my phone but couldn't. I was pouring blood profusely so decided my only option was to butt crawl my way to the front door and fortunately was able to hoist myself up enough to unlock the door, open it and fall head first into the hallway and call for help. My manager who lives next door came out immediately and I told her to call 911. I think I passed out several times briefly but the ambulance arrived within minutes. She phone my friend Liz and told her what had happened and Liz arrived a few hours later and stayed for most of the day. She is such a sweetheart.

I was taken to the hospital and my clothes were cut off. I couldn't believe the amount of blood when I saw how soaked my blouse was.

Once in the ER. I was stitched up and taken for an MRI. No doubt to check if I had fractured my skull or had a concussion. Gratefully I didn't.

I was kept in the ER for two days (moved into the hallway the first night) until I finally discharged myself on Sunday. It seemed my injuries were not life threatening. I was observed for a day and I waited for hours for a doctor to discharge me. The hospital beds are so uncomfortable these days that I couldn't change positions and my shoulder pain became my primary focus. Just as when I was in Coquitlam last Feb. They put sheet on the bed that won't let you slide and when one has no strength in one arm or both, it's impossible to moved or get up. I was in do much pain that I couldn't stand one more minute. The nurse helped me with the forms. Of course I had no clothes, money, shoes etc. but the nurse phoned for a cab and I knew I could pay once I got home. Without any clothes, I wore a pair of men's hospital PJ pants, a gown and a blanket wrapped around my shoulder and a pair of socks. I went out on the sidewalk dressed in that attire to wait for the Taxi. Lo and behold, as I was standing there my girlfriend Lise approached me. She cancelled the cab and drove me home. Liz had phone her on Saturday night to tell her what had happened to me.

When I arrived home on Sunday, Lise told me that both she and Liz had been in my Apt. on Sunday morning and was shocked to see the condition my apt. was. Lise said it looked like a murder scene, with blood every and called in a Carpet Cleaner who arrived immediately and cleaned it twice. It should have been done the day before when the blood was fresh. As a result there are stains everywhere that will never disappear. Had a conversation around this with my manager but will save the details for another time.

How grateful I am, to have 2 wonderful friends who always come to my assistance. My upstairs neighbour June became concerned Saturday when she didn't see any lights in my apt. so knocked on the Manager's door to find out if she knew if there was a problem with me. She was informed and walked all the way to the hospital to come visit me. I love this woman. We have each other's back because we share so many similarities in terms of our life stories/health issues and she is the only one who can really understand. That is probably the bond that connected us immediately. I love her greatly.

Arriving home and getting into my own bed and falling asleep at 6 pm after 3 nights of no sleep and no food, I was able to sleep until 5 the next AM. When I looked in the mirror I was shocked to see my reflection. I looked like Dracula's daughter. Today, I look much worse. I have a huge egg on my right temple which has 8 - 10 stitches. That's okay, the Hematoma will eventually subside. But in the process, I have red/black eye. The right side of my face is swollen and progressively turning green to dark purple. All the way to my collar bone and back to the middle of my neck. Have never seen anything like it. Just like with my knee last year. My left shoulder also suffered some major trauma, so I have a bandage on part of it that I haven't really checked out. Must have some scraping or whatever that made it bleed. My arm is purple/black from the shoulder to my elbow and very swollen. Another hematoma. Only the shoulder joint is painful and I may have to see the Chiro once it healed. They only thing that is really painful apart of my shoulder is the amount of blood caked in my hair. It hardened to the point where they have become scabs and can't be combed out. No doubt there is a method to do this and an attempt was made when I was in the hospital without much luck. Since I have been home, I have tried with my nails to break them up by crumpling into smaller pieces so that eventually they can be dissolved. I haven't wanted to do anything until the stitches are removed and I have an appt. on Friday for that and for a dressing change to my left arm. As usual, I broke my glasses so will attempt to have them fixed tomorrow.

I have made a decision re my hair, that if the blood knots can't be dissolved, I will shave my head. Probably won't make any difference when I go out. I wear a cap anyway since I have such little hair left and no hairdo. Lot's of women have lost their hair due to Chemo. That will be a another lesson in terms of being able to relate. Wouldn't if be lovely if my hair grew in thicker and curly?

I bought a cell phone months ago to help me and discovered some weeks ago I had a problem and it wasn't working. Lise and I figured out what the problem was, she had the same with a different phone, we managed to solve the problem, so now I carry it with me all the time. Of course that doesn't prevent me from falling but does provide security for getting help. My legs have really become unstable in the last year. Talked to my MD about it and he said it is part of the aging process and due to my Spinal Stenosis. Can't do anything about either condition so am not left with much reassurance that it won't happen again. I continue to walk to build up my core and leg muscles.

I'm sure there a details that I forgotten but wanted to provide an overview of what happened.

No need to respond. I am doing just fine and don't expect this will create another PTSD episode. But who knows? It never happens until months later. I Pray it doesn't. I will update you.

~ Tutte ~

Hungry for Love

 

Hungry for love, He looks at you.
Thirsty for kindness, He begs of you.
Naked for loyalty, He hopes in you.
Homeless for shelter in your heart, He asks of you.
Will you be that one to Him?

 

~ Mother Teresa

I often wonder why our heartstrings are tugged by the sight of an animal in distress versus a human being. I have no idea what it is in our brains that make such a differentiation in our response and acceptable. Perhaps it is easier in terms of feeling like we can control a small issue like rescuing animals versus trying  to save  a  huge population  who is in dire distress. I expect this was brought home to me today since Congress didn't pass the bill to help the out the Sandy Hurricane victims. It took 10 days after Katrina and now 2 months after the worst storm in US history to hit the Eastern Seaboard with so many victims  they don't feel a need to help out. I am so glad I am not a resident of the US. The promise of the American Dream interpreted by those of us on the outside is a huge illusion  intended to provide for the wealthy/corporations versus the middle class. The US  has reverted to the feudal system of the past. This in not the definition of Democracy. I would far more prefer Socialism versus Capitalism. Have to stop writing since I don't like this avenue of thought. Brings up too much conflict for me. I am constantly trying to stay in a peaceful space.

~ Tutte ~

I Prayed For

I prayed for change, so I changed my mind.
I prayed for guidance and learned to trust myself.
I prayed for happiness and realized I am not my ego.
I prayed for peace and learned to accept others unconditionally.
I prayed for abundance and realized my doubt kept it out.
I prayed for wealth and realized it is my health.
I prayed for a miracle and realized I am the miracle.
I prayed for a soul mate and realized I am the One.
I prayed for love and realized it’s always knocking, but I have to allow it in.

~Jackson Kidder

If You are to Judge

If you are to judge a man, you must know his secret thoughts, sorrows, and feelings; to know merely the outward events of a man's life would only serve to make a chronological table-a fool's notion of history. De Balzac

 
~ Honoré De Balzac

My Wish for You

More than anything I wish peace for everyone personally but more importantly, on a global scale. I want war to cease, the destruction of the planet. Water and food to be available to everyone regardless of where they live. I want cruelty to end whether towards humans or animals. 

I want fairness and justice for all. Oh, I could go on and on with what I view as to what is wrong with the world. I can't do much but I can change my attitude and develope a level of empathy and compassion and with a silent voice wherever I can express it, I hope to make a difference.

~ Tutte~

Subsequent to "Another Miracle Happened to Me"

Ever since that extraordinary incident happened to me, every time I go out at night and walk at that same location, I am reminded of this miraculous moment and wonder what made it happen and why to me? After weeks of contemplating this question, I have come to the conclusion that it happened because when I fell, I was trying to help someone else who I thought was in a stressful or perhaps life threathening situation. My intention was focused on someone else without any concern for my own safety. I expect most people who have experienced the same would concur with my assessment.

~ Tutte ~

Happy New Year

Slumber My Darling Andre Rieu and sung by Suzan Erens

Just discovered this wonderful singer and a very sweet song. The term 'Mother' can be replaced by another term for a lost loved one. 
Lyrics are below.

Slumber, my darling, thy mother is near,
Guarding thy dreams from all terror and fear,
Sunlight has pass'd and the twilight has gone,
Slumber, my darling, the night's coming on.
Sweet visions attend thy sleep,
Fondest, dearest to me,
While others their revels keep,
I will watch over thee.
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.
Slumber, my darling, till morn's blushing ray
Brings to the world the glad tidings of day;
Fill the dark void with thy dreamy delight--
Slumber, thy mother will guard thee tonight,
Thy pillow shall sacred be
From all outward alarms;
Thou, thou are the world to me
In thine innocent charms.
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.

This provided me with a level of comfort and hope it does you as well.

~ Tutte ~

Neither Here or There

 

It's been a long time since I have written anything. I have discovered this is a result of my new Medications. They seem to have provided some relief from my ongoing Anxiety which I am grateful for since this provides me with some sense of Peace. Something that has been lacking for more years than I can remember. However, the downside is that I am not able to express or get in touch with my emotions as I once did. In fact, when something negative comes up, I seem to be able to shut those emotions of immediately. After so many years of being preoccupied with all my pain whether emotional or physical, this is huge change in my psyche. Not sure yet whether I like it or not.

Since in the past I communicated via Email to all my friends and family based on my emotions since there was no news to share, and now I can't do either since nothing has changed in my physical world, it's become somewhat of a cunundrum. I expect that I should view this change as a reprieve and that it will allow me to regroup. At least that is what I expect. 

I sleep all day because I have nothing to get up for and now can allow myself to do that without any feelings of guilt. It may not fit in with others expectations but today, I don't care. I suffered from profound insomnia for 15 years so if I can sleep for 12 hours a day, I view that as a gift. My priority is to heal myself and others will just have to adjust. A new attitude for me since I was always a people pleaser. Now I come first. Why it had to take 68 years, I don't know especially since I know so many people whose priority is themselves. The other plus is that I spend so much time in my dreamworld that is far more exciting so I have no real desire to wake up to another unproductive and boring day. It is almost as I am beginning a transitioning process from this world to another. I find it quite exciting and undoubtedly leaves my friends with a lot of question. I am quite at peace with my life for the moment. First time in the last 18 years.

Xmas is now past and I am relieved since this is always the most painful season for me. I did receive the greatest gift last night in that my youngest son living in Japan for the last 8 years phoned and we had a very animated chat for  3 hours. I so love this son of mine and hearing his voice made him seem so much closer.

I will leave it at that.

~Tutte~

Flight or Escape

Ever since my last horrific episode of PTSD after I returned from a month in hospital where I litterally thought I was going crazy and realized my mind was the worst possible enemy I could have, I now have a medication that seems to help. Sadly not without side effects. The worst and most beneficial for me is that it removes me from having to feel my emotions. I no longer have the Anxiety attacks of the past that left me feeling suicidal but they also numb me  in terms of feeling much of anything.
However that is far preferable to the level of Anxiety I lived with for over 10 years. What I regret the most about this med is that I used to write from the level of my emotions about anything since I had nothing of normal life to to write about, so it was always my perceptions and assumptions. Now I find myself unable to respond to most of my emails. This is a huge loss but I recognize that in order to overcome PTSD, I have to be removed from all the thoughts and emotions that were driving me crazy. The meds have been a blessing regardless of their side effects.

~ Tutte~

Silent Tears

I have no idea why I can't cry. I will only allow myself to shed silent tears when I see something on the TV that moves me. Could be anything from a movie to a commercial but usually when I see a contestent who put his heart and soul into his performance, win or not. 

My being is so filled with unshed tears and without being able to release them, they manifest in my body in the form of disease and pain. Why can't I allow myself to cry is somewhat of a mystery to me. I don't like the way it makes my body and eyes feel nor the headache that follows. I never have headaches. The only explanation I can come up with is that as I child I was discourged to by various messages. I don't know, but wish I could find a release by a natural means that wouldn't make me feel worse.

~ Tutte~

A Prayer

 

Ever since my fall last January that landed me in the hospital for a month and then the subsequent fall recently, I have said a prayer for safety every time I have gone out for a walk.

I finally bit the bullet and bought myself a cell phone for Emergencies only. I carry it with me everywhere and it's unbelievable how much it has disappated my anxiety. I hope I will never have to use it but it provides me with a Lifeline.

 ~ Tutte~ 

Comparison

How does the world view me in comparison to how I view myself?

That is the universal question that plagues us all from the day we become conscious of ourselves. We spend our lives in this exercise. At times it is a motivating factor and builds self-esteem and in others just the opposite. So much depends on the amount of love and encouragement we receive in childhood. Until I met my beloved husband who showered me with unconditional love, I was very insecure and put on all kinds of masks to try to fit it and they were often misunderstood.

With aging, the blessings I have received now allow me to not care at all what others think? There is so much freedom coming from that place. Of course this is based on a history of having my Ego totally stripped by all the challenges I have had to face. There is a gift in everything.

~ Tutte ~

Another Miracle Happened to ME

I just went out for my last smoke of the night and saw an SUV parked by the curb with a light that showed some body action within and then dimmed. I became concerned as it seemed somewhat unusual and wondered if there was a problem. My focus what there and I forgot to look where I was going and fell. Didn't trip on anything. It happened out of the blue. I couldn't believe it. NOT AGAIN! Didn't hurt myself but had no idea how to get up. I inched my way to the curb by rocking my hips and realized that there wasn't enough leverage for me to get up. My fear is not so much about falling but the fact that I can't get up when I do without leverage. I no longer have any strength in my arms and can't put weight on my knees. A very helpless situation.

My only option then was to butt crawl my way to the side of the SUV and knock on the window. I did that many times without any response even though I called for help, said I fell and couldn't get up and if they didn't want to help me, to at least call 911. I got no response and so had to come up with another idea. I butt crawled towards the front of the SUV thinking that if I could grab on to the front wheel and the side mirror, I would have some leverage to pull myself up.

Lo and behold, out of the darkness, two young girls, "Angels" walked towards me to ask if they could help. This was now 4 AM and neither were dressed for the cold temp. I couldn't believe it when I saw them a few feet away from me... coming out of nowhere. They said they lived in an apt. close by but it didn't ring true. There was no reason for them to be out so late and inappropriately dressed. Oh well, I don't want to project something I know nothing about. I've lived here for over a year and going out for late night walks to have a puff have never run into anyone. This was NOT a mere coincidence IMO.

They grabbed both arms and helped me up and escorted me back to my front door. Of course I hugged and thanked them profusely as they were shaking from the cold.

I am still in a state of shock and disbelief that this just happened to me. Every time I go out at night for a puff, I always ask God to look after me and keep me safe as I have such a fear of falling. Under very unusual circumstances He/She/It did tonight. It all seems like such a miracle that these two beings came out of nowhere to help me. We occasionally hear stories like this on the TV but never expect to have that type of encounter personally. I am so grateful I did and once again as in the past when I have found myself in the most extreme situations, someone always comes to my aid. Interestingly, they have all been young women. I am not making any type of statement, just an observation.

I had to write this down while it was so fresh in my mind. Thankfully at the moment, I am not in any pain but no doubt, will have some bruises tomorrow. So thankful tonight that I landed on my butt versus my knees.

'Angels' are always beside me.

~ Tutte~

Chained to the Past

I just realized that I haven't written anything for over a month. I expect much has to do with my new Meds. After my knee injury and a month in the hospital, I went into a major PTSD episode and all the old tapes that ran through my mind for the last 10 years resurfaced. I spent several months again in isolation trying to deal with it until I had to acknowledge I needed help. That isn't easy for me, never has been since I have always had to deal with all my problems by myself. I realized I no longer had the ability to quite the voices in my brain that made me feel I was going insane. So frightening since it leaves one without any sense of control.

I made the decision to seek help via my MD who offered me a new free Med. It has helped enormously in terms of relieving all the Anxiety that has been so debilitating but now after several months, have noticed a change in my brain function. I don't feel like I am a Zombie as with some past meds, nor in some state of 'fog' but there are definitely some changes. Most for my benefit in that it relieves my Anxiety and I don't wake up with Suicidal thoughts. In fact, most of the time, I am in a relatively peaceful space. The downside of this drug is that my mind is not as crisp, I have a difficult time problem solving, concentration, writing or becoming reflective. This is a huge challenge since I am having major problems with my personal Website and don't seem to have the motivation to correct the problem. I have a subscriber list of people who have received my daily quotes for over 5 years and have expressed how much the miss them. That should be enough of a motivation and yet it seems not. I loved creating them and miss that daily exercise that could take up to 2 hours so I have yet to understand why the motivation has gone. I guess I will have to examine the positives and negatives of this MED. I just know I don't want to return to that state of Extreme Anxiety again if I can help it. It will a come down to some of a trade off I guess. I expect I will choose to live with less Anxiety.

On a positive note, I have made friends with a delightful and humorous British couple here in my Apt. building and we run into each other almost every day and spend at least half an hour if not more, together. There is a wonderful story behind all this but for the moment, suffice to say, that after so many years, I have a new FRIENDS. Never expected that to happen.  We are smokers and if we didn't have to go outside the building to have a puff we would probably never have met.

I have become acquainted with many other nice people and this Apt. It is full of them. How lucky am I. This Apt. has a nice mix of young and old and I love that. In the last place I lived it was full of Seniors over 70 that I felt so out of touch. I moved in there when I was 58 and it felt like I had moved into an Old Folks home. I was much too young in mind and spirit. Stayed away from them since they loved to gossip.  I became aware of a minor gap between the years. I think that will become less so in the future as we remain more youthful and Tech savy.  As I just wrote that, I realize that I have already been left behind in the dirt on the path to Technology. I can't keep up. A generational gap for sure.

Just received an invitation to meet up with 5 of my old girlfriends for a cup of tea in two weeks so I look forward to that. I have so little to look forward to so this is a huge blessing.

~ Tutte ~

Leap of Faith

Sometimes grace is the answer. Sometimes strength. Sometimes trust. And sometimes a LEAP OF FAITH is all that is needed. That little voice that tells you, "everything will be fine, just go for it"... listen, LEAP... so much beauty lies on the other side of fear. Source Unknown.

This has been a helpful approach for me in the past with all my struggles. Requires often, more than we think we are capable of doing. All require a great deal of courage and belief in oneself. When we do, we grow and expand. Magic happens.

~ Tutte ~

WEB

I went out earlier to have few puffs and returned to my spot under a portico in a nearby building. I had been there a few hours earlier and noticed a 1/3 " little white spider whose web had been destroyed by an obvious previous capture. I began watching it begin to reconstruct it's web. It was a mind expanding experience in terms of engineering and determination. I have looked at spiders and their webs all my life and found them fascinating creatures, but this experience was an awakening experience for me. Just to be able to observe the reconstruction and then an hour later when I returned to see how it had recreated it was really awe inspiring. I watched as it's little feet moved along one thread and laid down another a 1/4 of an inch beyond and continued to do that with every turn. I'm sorry I missed the point where he realized it was time to change the direction from horizontal to vertical.

Upon my return when I saw it complete and he was happily resting in the middle of his web, waiting for another food supply,  I was reminded of how similar that is to all life. We encounter setbacks, tragedies etc. and yet there is something within us that provides the impetus to rebuild and recreate. It's all a matter of survival.

~ Tutte~

Discouraged

I can't believe after feeling such confidence in the improvement via my legs that an unexpected event occured the other night while walking. Something happened within my left knee. The one that took the brunt of my last fall and I had surgery on. It was a very painful and anxiety provoking experience since it felt like my knee was going to buckle and I would fall. My worst nightmare. Thank God I didn't but inched my way home very carefully. I laid low the next day and walked with a cane the following when I had to go out. Yesterday, I felt a great deal of improvement and then today, something shifted again and am becoming increasingly concerned that there is something wrong with my knee replacement. As usual, I procrastinate going to a doctor. I tend to think that my body will heal itself and in most cases it does. However, if there is something wrong with the mechanics, it won't and I will have to revisit my Ortho Surgeon. 

My worst fear at the moment is that I will need to have the knee replacement replaced with a full one. There is also something wrong with my right knee but acceptable and not too painful. I am also aware that a partial replacement has a certain longevity and it's now been 12 years and with such a major fall, it may speed up the process. I just can't stand the idea of having to undergo more surgeries and a painful period of recovery. Living alone makes this very challenging on so many levels. I will give myself a week and see if there is any improvement and if not, seek help. 

Just as I was beginning to gain confidence in my mobility, I now have anxiety and don't need or want that when I am just recovering from my last devastating episode of PTSD. 

Of course the question is always, why does this keep re-occuring to me and I have no answer. Is this something I am creating? If so, for what purpose? 

~ Tutte ~

Re-awakening Foot

Can't believe the improvement in my leg and foot during the last week. It's quite mind boggling to me after months of concern and anxiety while walking or driving. My confidence has returned and I almost feel like dancing.

The question of course is what caused this and it's current resolution. I suffer from Spinal Stenosis, (narrowing of the Spinal Canal, no doubt due to my  5 major episodes of ruptured discs).  With my frequent visits to my dear Chiro over the last six months, in which one aspect of his treatments has been to manipulate my lower back I have to wonder if that was the cause.

He was injured over a month ago and unable to return to work for 6 months so no further manipulations for me and perhaps why the improvement in my leg and foot. I don't fault him in any way, since the nerves from the neck down are all interconnected and have certainly received huge benefits to my shoulder which was the initial reason I sought his assistance.

I am so grateful for this improvement and the confidence in my mobility which of course leaves me without another layer of Anxiety.  I am feeling very hopeful at the moment that I won't have any further health problems. Not to forget my fear of falling which has plagued me for the last 3 years. I hope it will never occur again. Every incident has been so terrifying and left me feel much too vulnerable.

~ Tutte ~

Less Anxiety Currently

Have had much less Anxiety in the last week. More psychologically peacerful. Not really clear as to what is making the change occur. No doubt that as the pain in my shoulders has diminished an am gaining more confidence while walking has had a major impact. Sleeping so much better is a major factor. No longer a Whirling Dirvish when I get into bed.

I don't really have a need to question or examine it too much for fear it will change. Perhaps all the internal work I am doing in trying to be aware and diligent about changing any negative thoughts. I am truly trying to live in the moment versus projecting all my fears about my future health, my financial situation and my distate for becoming old and alone. These thoughts are what have plagued me for so long. Trying to live in the moment is a major challenge. Probably the most difficult one I have had to face. If I don't learn how to do that I will always life with a state of Anxiety that is so dibilitating to all body/mind systems.

~ Tutte~