It's been a long time since I have written anything. I have discovered this is a result of my new Medications. They seem to have provided some relief from my ongoing Anxiety which I am grateful for since this provides me with some sense of Peace. Something that has been lacking for more years than I can remember. However, the downside is that I am not able to express or get in touch with my emotions as I once did. In fact, when something negative comes up, I seem to be able to shut those emotions of immediately. After so many years of being preoccupied with all my pain whether emotional or physical, this is huge change in my psyche. Not sure yet whether I like it or not.
Since in the past I communicated via Email to all my friends and family based on my emotions since there was no news to share, and now I can't do either since nothing has changed in my physical world, it's become somewhat of a cunundrum. I expect that I should view this change as a reprieve and that it will allow me to regroup. At least that is what I expect.
I sleep all day because I have nothing to get up for and now can allow myself to do that without any feelings of guilt. It may not fit in with others expectations but today, I don't care. I suffered from profound insomnia for 15 years so if I can sleep for 12 hours a day, I view that as a gift. My priority is to heal myself and others will just have to adjust. A new attitude for me since I was always a people pleaser. Now I come first. Why it had to take 68 years, I don't know especially since I know so many people whose priority is themselves. The other plus is that I spend so much time in my dreamworld that is far more exciting so I have no real desire to wake up to another unproductive and boring day. It is almost as I am beginning a transitioning process from this world to another. I find it quite exciting and undoubtedly leaves my friends with a lot of question. I am quite at peace with my life for the moment. First time in the last 18 years.
Xmas is now past and I am relieved since this is always the most painful season for me. I did receive the greatest gift last night in that my youngest son living in Japan for the last 8 years phoned and we had a very animated chat for 3 hours. I so love this son of mine and hearing his voice made him seem so much closer.
I will leave it at that.
~Tutte~
