Flight or Escape

Ever since my last horrific episode of PTSD after I returned from a month in hospital where I litterally thought I was going crazy and realized my mind was the worst possible enemy I could have, I now have a medication that seems to help. Sadly not without side effects. The worst and most beneficial for me is that it removes me from having to feel my emotions. I no longer have the Anxiety attacks of the past that left me feeling suicidal but they also numb me  in terms of feeling much of anything.
However that is far preferable to the level of Anxiety I lived with for over 10 years. What I regret the most about this med is that I used to write from the level of my emotions about anything since I had nothing of normal life to to write about, so it was always my perceptions and assumptions. Now I find myself unable to respond to most of my emails. This is a huge loss but I recognize that in order to overcome PTSD, I have to be removed from all the thoughts and emotions that were driving me crazy. The meds have been a blessing regardless of their side effects.

~ Tutte~

Silent Tears

I have no idea why I can't cry. I will only allow myself to shed silent tears when I see something on the TV that moves me. Could be anything from a movie to a commercial but usually when I see a contestent who put his heart and soul into his performance, win or not. 

My being is so filled with unshed tears and without being able to release them, they manifest in my body in the form of disease and pain. Why can't I allow myself to cry is somewhat of a mystery to me. I don't like the way it makes my body and eyes feel nor the headache that follows. I never have headaches. The only explanation I can come up with is that as I child I was discourged to by various messages. I don't know, but wish I could find a release by a natural means that wouldn't make me feel worse.

~ Tutte~

A Prayer

 

Ever since my fall last January that landed me in the hospital for a month and then the subsequent fall recently, I have said a prayer for safety every time I have gone out for a walk.

I finally bit the bullet and bought myself a cell phone for Emergencies only. I carry it with me everywhere and it's unbelievable how much it has disappated my anxiety. I hope I will never have to use it but it provides me with a Lifeline.

 ~ Tutte~ 

Comparison

How does the world view me in comparison to how I view myself?

That is the universal question that plagues us all from the day we become conscious of ourselves. We spend our lives in this exercise. At times it is a motivating factor and builds self-esteem and in others just the opposite. So much depends on the amount of love and encouragement we receive in childhood. Until I met my beloved husband who showered me with unconditional love, I was very insecure and put on all kinds of masks to try to fit it and they were often misunderstood.

With aging, the blessings I have received now allow me to not care at all what others think? There is so much freedom coming from that place. Of course this is based on a history of having my Ego totally stripped by all the challenges I have had to face. There is a gift in everything.

~ Tutte ~

Another Miracle Happened to ME

I just went out for my last smoke of the night and saw an SUV parked by the curb with a light that showed some body action within and then dimmed. I became concerned as it seemed somewhat unusual and wondered if there was a problem. My focus what there and I forgot to look where I was going and fell. Didn't trip on anything. It happened out of the blue. I couldn't believe it. NOT AGAIN! Didn't hurt myself but had no idea how to get up. I inched my way to the curb by rocking my hips and realized that there wasn't enough leverage for me to get up. My fear is not so much about falling but the fact that I can't get up when I do without leverage. I no longer have any strength in my arms and can't put weight on my knees. A very helpless situation.

My only option then was to butt crawl my way to the side of the SUV and knock on the window. I did that many times without any response even though I called for help, said I fell and couldn't get up and if they didn't want to help me, to at least call 911. I got no response and so had to come up with another idea. I butt crawled towards the front of the SUV thinking that if I could grab on to the front wheel and the side mirror, I would have some leverage to pull myself up.

Lo and behold, out of the darkness, two young girls, "Angels" walked towards me to ask if they could help. This was now 4 AM and neither were dressed for the cold temp. I couldn't believe it when I saw them a few feet away from me... coming out of nowhere. They said they lived in an apt. close by but it didn't ring true. There was no reason for them to be out so late and inappropriately dressed. Oh well, I don't want to project something I know nothing about. I've lived here for over a year and going out for late night walks to have a puff have never run into anyone. This was NOT a mere coincidence IMO.

They grabbed both arms and helped me up and escorted me back to my front door. Of course I hugged and thanked them profusely as they were shaking from the cold.

I am still in a state of shock and disbelief that this just happened to me. Every time I go out at night for a puff, I always ask God to look after me and keep me safe as I have such a fear of falling. Under very unusual circumstances He/She/It did tonight. It all seems like such a miracle that these two beings came out of nowhere to help me. We occasionally hear stories like this on the TV but never expect to have that type of encounter personally. I am so grateful I did and once again as in the past when I have found myself in the most extreme situations, someone always comes to my aid. Interestingly, they have all been young women. I am not making any type of statement, just an observation.

I had to write this down while it was so fresh in my mind. Thankfully at the moment, I am not in any pain but no doubt, will have some bruises tomorrow. So thankful tonight that I landed on my butt versus my knees.

'Angels' are always beside me.

~ Tutte~

Chained to the Past

I just realized that I haven't written anything for over a month. I expect much has to do with my new Meds. After my knee injury and a month in the hospital, I went into a major PTSD episode and all the old tapes that ran through my mind for the last 10 years resurfaced. I spent several months again in isolation trying to deal with it until I had to acknowledge I needed help. That isn't easy for me, never has been since I have always had to deal with all my problems by myself. I realized I no longer had the ability to quite the voices in my brain that made me feel I was going insane. So frightening since it leaves one without any sense of control.

I made the decision to seek help via my MD who offered me a new free Med. It has helped enormously in terms of relieving all the Anxiety that has been so debilitating but now after several months, have noticed a change in my brain function. I don't feel like I am a Zombie as with some past meds, nor in some state of 'fog' but there are definitely some changes. Most for my benefit in that it relieves my Anxiety and I don't wake up with Suicidal thoughts. In fact, most of the time, I am in a relatively peaceful space. The downside of this drug is that my mind is not as crisp, I have a difficult time problem solving, concentration, writing or becoming reflective. This is a huge challenge since I am having major problems with my personal Website and don't seem to have the motivation to correct the problem. I have a subscriber list of people who have received my daily quotes for over 5 years and have expressed how much the miss them. That should be enough of a motivation and yet it seems not. I loved creating them and miss that daily exercise that could take up to 2 hours so I have yet to understand why the motivation has gone. I guess I will have to examine the positives and negatives of this MED. I just know I don't want to return to that state of Extreme Anxiety again if I can help it. It will a come down to some of a trade off I guess. I expect I will choose to live with less Anxiety.

On a positive note, I have made friends with a delightful and humorous British couple here in my Apt. building and we run into each other almost every day and spend at least half an hour if not more, together. There is a wonderful story behind all this but for the moment, suffice to say, that after so many years, I have a new FRIENDS. Never expected that to happen.  We are smokers and if we didn't have to go outside the building to have a puff we would probably never have met.

I have become acquainted with many other nice people and this Apt. It is full of them. How lucky am I. This Apt. has a nice mix of young and old and I love that. In the last place I lived it was full of Seniors over 70 that I felt so out of touch. I moved in there when I was 58 and it felt like I had moved into an Old Folks home. I was much too young in mind and spirit. Stayed away from them since they loved to gossip.  I became aware of a minor gap between the years. I think that will become less so in the future as we remain more youthful and Tech savy.  As I just wrote that, I realize that I have already been left behind in the dirt on the path to Technology. I can't keep up. A generational gap for sure.

Just received an invitation to meet up with 5 of my old girlfriends for a cup of tea in two weeks so I look forward to that. I have so little to look forward to so this is a huge blessing.

~ Tutte ~

Leap of Faith

Sometimes grace is the answer. Sometimes strength. Sometimes trust. And sometimes a LEAP OF FAITH is all that is needed. That little voice that tells you, "everything will be fine, just go for it"... listen, LEAP... so much beauty lies on the other side of fear. Source Unknown.

This has been a helpful approach for me in the past with all my struggles. Requires often, more than we think we are capable of doing. All require a great deal of courage and belief in oneself. When we do, we grow and expand. Magic happens.

~ Tutte ~

WEB

I went out earlier to have few puffs and returned to my spot under a portico in a nearby building. I had been there a few hours earlier and noticed a 1/3 " little white spider whose web had been destroyed by an obvious previous capture. I began watching it begin to reconstruct it's web. It was a mind expanding experience in terms of engineering and determination. I have looked at spiders and their webs all my life and found them fascinating creatures, but this experience was an awakening experience for me. Just to be able to observe the reconstruction and then an hour later when I returned to see how it had recreated it was really awe inspiring. I watched as it's little feet moved along one thread and laid down another a 1/4 of an inch beyond and continued to do that with every turn. I'm sorry I missed the point where he realized it was time to change the direction from horizontal to vertical.

Upon my return when I saw it complete and he was happily resting in the middle of his web, waiting for another food supply,  I was reminded of how similar that is to all life. We encounter setbacks, tragedies etc. and yet there is something within us that provides the impetus to rebuild and recreate. It's all a matter of survival.

~ Tutte~

Discouraged

I can't believe after feeling such confidence in the improvement via my legs that an unexpected event occured the other night while walking. Something happened within my left knee. The one that took the brunt of my last fall and I had surgery on. It was a very painful and anxiety provoking experience since it felt like my knee was going to buckle and I would fall. My worst nightmare. Thank God I didn't but inched my way home very carefully. I laid low the next day and walked with a cane the following when I had to go out. Yesterday, I felt a great deal of improvement and then today, something shifted again and am becoming increasingly concerned that there is something wrong with my knee replacement. As usual, I procrastinate going to a doctor. I tend to think that my body will heal itself and in most cases it does. However, if there is something wrong with the mechanics, it won't and I will have to revisit my Ortho Surgeon. 

My worst fear at the moment is that I will need to have the knee replacement replaced with a full one. There is also something wrong with my right knee but acceptable and not too painful. I am also aware that a partial replacement has a certain longevity and it's now been 12 years and with such a major fall, it may speed up the process. I just can't stand the idea of having to undergo more surgeries and a painful period of recovery. Living alone makes this very challenging on so many levels. I will give myself a week and see if there is any improvement and if not, seek help. 

Just as I was beginning to gain confidence in my mobility, I now have anxiety and don't need or want that when I am just recovering from my last devastating episode of PTSD. 

Of course the question is always, why does this keep re-occuring to me and I have no answer. Is this something I am creating? If so, for what purpose? 

~ Tutte ~

Re-awakening Foot

Can't believe the improvement in my leg and foot during the last week. It's quite mind boggling to me after months of concern and anxiety while walking or driving. My confidence has returned and I almost feel like dancing.

The question of course is what caused this and it's current resolution. I suffer from Spinal Stenosis, (narrowing of the Spinal Canal, no doubt due to my  5 major episodes of ruptured discs).  With my frequent visits to my dear Chiro over the last six months, in which one aspect of his treatments has been to manipulate my lower back I have to wonder if that was the cause.

He was injured over a month ago and unable to return to work for 6 months so no further manipulations for me and perhaps why the improvement in my leg and foot. I don't fault him in any way, since the nerves from the neck down are all interconnected and have certainly received huge benefits to my shoulder which was the initial reason I sought his assistance.

I am so grateful for this improvement and the confidence in my mobility which of course leaves me without another layer of Anxiety.  I am feeling very hopeful at the moment that I won't have any further health problems. Not to forget my fear of falling which has plagued me for the last 3 years. I hope it will never occur again. Every incident has been so terrifying and left me feel much too vulnerable.

~ Tutte ~

Less Anxiety Currently

Have had much less Anxiety in the last week. More psychologically peacerful. Not really clear as to what is making the change occur. No doubt that as the pain in my shoulders has diminished an am gaining more confidence while walking has had a major impact. Sleeping so much better is a major factor. No longer a Whirling Dirvish when I get into bed.

I don't really have a need to question or examine it too much for fear it will change. Perhaps all the internal work I am doing in trying to be aware and diligent about changing any negative thoughts. I am truly trying to live in the moment versus projecting all my fears about my future health, my financial situation and my distate for becoming old and alone. These thoughts are what have plagued me for so long. Trying to live in the moment is a major challenge. Probably the most difficult one I have had to face. If I don't learn how to do that I will always life with a state of Anxiety that is so dibilitating to all body/mind systems.

~ Tutte~

Improving with gratitude

The last few days have left me feeling much more secure as the nerve in my foot that was causing me so much anxiety appears to be returning to normal. Not entirely but I am walking better and on top of that my shoulders have improved immensely. Have little pain in my right and minimal in my left. I feel like I have returned to the state I was a year ago.
I pray it will continue.

~ Tutte ~

Kindness

Breathe In

Breathe in the earth, the trees, the flowers...
Breathe in the plants, the minerals, the animals...
Breathe in the ocean, the lakes, the streams...
Breathe in the air, the sky, the clouds...
Breathe in the sun, the moon, the stars...
Remind yourself... "I AM THIS"

Observer

 

I have always been an Observer standing somewhere outside the stream of every day life and relationships. Perhaps why I have never participated much in conversations nor recall many. I recall my impressions and perception versus words and the feelings I experienced in the process. I find it far more interesting to listen. People reveal much more about themselves than their actual words convey.  Most are unable to listen to others as they have a need to inject and interrupt. I find this difficult to deal with as it doesn't allow for a continuing thread of thought. Especially now as I have gotten older and it becomes more difficult to remember where I left off. The outcome I expect, is that I will share less and less. What is the point anyway if no one hears what I am saying. Having lived in isolation for so many years and with my own thoughts, I am unfamiliar with having them interrupted so no doubt I am out of step with the rest of the world. I expect people do this because they know they have to talk quickly otherwise they won't be heard. It's a sad state of affairs. Fortunately I was married to a man who was a fantastic listener. He would come home from a plane trip and share his seat companion's entire life history. Probably why I fell in love with him initially. Someone finally allowed me to speak and listened attentively and with genuine interest.

Why this came up tonight is because I went out for a smoke and stood on the same walkway as I did last night. I had inadvertendly stepped on a snail and noticed a few hours later a slug was gorging himself on the remains. Tonight when I returned, he was still in feeding mode but an hour later had eaten the entire thing. I wondered to myself, how many people would have been aware of this occurence. I expect very few. But that is how I have lived my life and why I loved my gardens. They provided me with a window into all the different aspect of what goes on in a garden on many levels. Above or below ground. I miss that more than I can express. I felt so grounded in that environment.

So much more satisfying, rewarding and life enhancing to be an observer and a listener.

~ Tutte ~

We are all Warriors Fighting our Own Battles

Oh My God. I Fell Again.

This time in my kitchen and with my sandals on Thank GOD. They helped provide the traction I needed to 'butt' crawl across the kitchen floor, the hallway and my bedroom until I could get to my bed. By that I mean I was able to inch my way by rocking my buttocks back and forth. Took half an hour plus and once I got to my bed spent another 15 minutes trying to figure out how to get into it. It should be so simple but in my case it isn't having 2 knee replacements, both now compromised with my last fall and a hip replacement and doesn't appear too stable. In addition with my Tendonitis in both shoulders, I have no strength left whatsoever.  I am so grateful that I didn't incur any major injuries. Just a very sore right knee, and elbows  but no hematoma TG. And as of today, no obvious injuries to my shoulders.

My physical situation scares the shit out of me especially since I live alone. Maybe it was due to having a sleeping right foot which causes me great concern. Expect it is the same nerve that wakes me up at night with splayed toes on both feet facing east or west. Have to get up and walk around to get rid of the cramps. No doubt due to my surgeries and all the scar tissue accumulated from 5 major episodes or Ruptured discs. I was diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis. ( Narrowing of the Spinal Canal)  I have no recall of what casued the fall, it happened too quickly. As I had just come in from a walk outside and putting my sweater on a chair, I expect I have might tripped on the sleeve left on the floor. I will never know. But accidents happen due to the unexpected. Thankfully I landed on my butt versus my face.

Bottom line.... my body is a wreck and it doesn't provide me with any sense of stability and security. Hate the way I am aging much too early, began at 50  but especially since I am alone. Who would have guessed this is how I would enter Old Age? Not me. Arch, if he is aware, would be shocked. He was so fit until the end. However, his major concern for me was around falling. Perhaps he had a premonition.

Or it was due to my first fall when I was 3 months pregnant and feeling sick after a CT scan. No connection just coincidental . I felt nauseaus and went to the bathroom. I vomited into the toilet and passed out, pitched head first into the bathtub. Fortunately I didn't hurt myself, I sure could have as all the taps were so close to my head. I could have had a concussion or worse. Arch heard it all from the bedroom and rushed in to see me lying unconcious and proceeded to retrieve me from he tub. Not an easy task with a dead weight of.200 lbs at the time. I finally revived and was put back in bed. He had to clean the entire bathroom from all the vomit that I had spewed everywhere. He got me settled into my bed with a bowl between my knees in case I needed to vomit again.

I did, passed out, unconscious, my head shot backwards and hit the headboard and once again spewed vomit all over the bed. I recovered without any injury. Poor Arch, had to change the bed etc. He never complained but was so concerned and attentive. It was undoubtedly an experience that left a profound  impact on him and became his ongoing concern. Rightfully so since it has now become the Greatest Health Risk for me. Who would ever have guessed since I was so agile and strong prior to turning before 50. Could probably have competed with any man. Still can't accept it myself.

With Arch's premontion resurfacing, I will now be more aware and become concious of every step or move I make. Sure limits one's independence. That sucks, along with all my other issues.

 ~ Tutte ~

My Treatments

My chiropracter, Mike who has taken me by the hand for over half a year in navigating the bridge of pain, free of charge, to provide some pain relief and mobility, had an accident last weekend. He belongs to a bicycle group and as they were riding, two deers jumped out in front of them. They had to scatter in order to avoid a collision which resulted in a major pile up. Mike was the only one who suffered a serious injury. Multiple factures to his collar bone. Bone protruding through the skin. Was taken to the ER where they had to insert plates and screws. His prognosis is very hopeful but for someone who spends his time using his strength to manipulate other's bodies this may take longer before he can return to work.

As a result, I won't be having treatments for at least 2 months. Not sure yet whether that is a blessing or a curse. I have been improving and hopefully will continue to without treatments. It at least will allow my body to settle in somewhat and heal. Time will tell. I will miss my visits since I always enjoyed the time I spent with him and his wife Sharon. Such a sweet couple.

~ Tutte ~

Nature is Intwined in Heart of My Being

Always has been and will be forever. The Heartbeat of my Soul. Have felt forever totally grounded there since my earliest memories. Had my first garden at the age of 4. Spent a week on a farm at 12 where I learnt to drive a tractor, milk cows and shave off their winter haircoat. Absolutely loved all aspects. Could have been happy as a farmer my entire life.

Grew up with gardens wherever we lived as a family but once I left home and moved into a room in the city, I always returned home on the weekends so I could be outside. Mowing the lawn manually, rowing my boat and fishing on the lake at sunset. The years I was unable to do that, especially when I lived in Denmark, I worked a second job at night because I had no idea what to do with myself in a confined space. I have never found a way to live in an apartment and it plagues me immensely but will be something I MUST accept as my future. I expect this is the reality for many seniors as they age, become disabled and have to move into care homes. Has always been my greatest fear but living in my last apt. I dipped my toe into the pond of nursing homes. That's how it felt to me. I will slit my wrist or do something else before I will end up there. Have been too close to that scenario as I watched my beloved mother wither for 9 years before she died. I DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN A WAREHOUSE FOR THE DYING!

Can't recreate anyting similar without being able to walk out my door and into a garden. In the distant past I found the same experience through music which I can no longer listen to because it evokes so many memories and brings me to tears. I NEVER CRY and no idea why. I expect if I let the floodgates open, I will be swept away with the torrent and unable to stop. It's a fear of mine and always has been. I wonder when that started? I expect my Father put the plug in. Perhaps an unfair assessment but I can't think of any other except perhaps that when I did, it went unacknowledged and never validated. No doubt he was the cause of most of mine along with my bully of a sister. I had no armor to protect myself as I am a passive person and was always blindsided by their abuse.

~ Tutte ~

As a Child I was an Inspiring Artist

 

I drew and painted throughout my childhood. Wanted to become a Commercial Artist but that pursuit was impossible as I had to go to work to support myself at the age of 15. I have dabbled on and off over the years. Both with graphite/coloured pencils, and Oil Paints. Much to my surpise and delight I discovered I was so much better after a furlow of 10 years. I have many in my home and in others as well so I guess they weren't too amateurish. Just never became my passion although I know I have a Talent. I eventually discovered that my passion was my gardens which became a living pallette and far more satisfying on many levels. Think about doing something again artistically but can't find the motivation. I expect that depression overrides the creative impulse. At least it has for me.

~ Tutte ~