Falling

I don't even know how to begin describing what was the most terrifying, physically challenging and helpless 3 hours I have ever spent.

I fell as I was getting up from the toilet on my way to bed. What happened, I have no idea. Perhaps I missed the support bar on the wall or my right leg gave out. I have noticed it has become weaker lately and assume that is due to the nerve damage and my spinal stenosis.

Regardless, I fell on my left side, cut my elbow and quickly discovered I couldn't move or get up. I almost panicked and felt totally helpless. The main problem was that since my left shoulder has been frozen for the last 10 years, I have absolutely no strength in that arm. There was nothing I could use for leverage with my right arm. I spent about 15 minutes lying there trying to figure out what to do. I knew I had to find a way otherwise I could have been lying there for days or weeks. I should probably keep my answering machine hooked up.

I began rocking my hips end back and forth so I could eventually face the doorway. Don't know how long that took me. From that point on, I was able to inch myself forward slowly. Probably took me over an hour to reach my bedroom rug which I thought would provide more traction. I realized that I would never be able to reach my phone so calling 911 was useless. I need leverage in order to get up with my artificial knees. I can't kneel on them anyway.

So slowly I continued at my snails pace and eventually reached the side of my bed. The challenge then became how to get up and roll into it. I mustered all the strength I had left and managed to shift my position so I could use my bed and the night table for leverage with my right arm and then finally rolled into bed totally exhausted. This entire exercise took over 3 hours.

Falling is always what I have feared the most but I discovered how little strength I have left. It scares me. And how helpless I am when it happens.

This incident confirmed how tenacious, determined and how much pain I can endure. But don't want to repeat that lesson.

I slept well and woke up with some pain and bruises and rug burns on my elbow which I expect will continue to surface over the days.

Perhaps it is time to think about getting Lifeline. Seems quite necessary when one lives alone and with health problems. I will look into it.

Anyway, I am okay tonight Thank God. An angel must have been watching over me.

~ Tutte ~

The Best Thing About Dreams

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake,
when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy,
when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.

~ Unknown Author ~

First Date

On our first date, my husband had a yellow rose bud in hand as he greeted me. Coincidentally, I wore a navy dress with tiny yellow rosebuds.

They became our symbol of love and needless to say were incorporated in my wedding bouquet and all the decorations.

On our first wedding anniversary I sent a bouquet to his office with the same flowes included in our wedding. Shortly after I received the same and assumed the Florist had made a mistake. I phoned and was told it had been delivered to the correct address, Needless to say, my husband had had the same thought. How synchronistic was that?

In my last letter to Arch the week he died, I included a yellow rosebud. The circle was complete. I will always treasure this flower for the Love it represents to me.

~ Tutte ~

Today's Tragedy

Once again my heart bleeds. Today, on behalf of all the victims of the Tragedy in Tuscon, Arizona. 20 innocent people were gunned down, 6 dead. For what? Some deranged young person who bought into the vitriolic diatribe continously perpetrated on the Inernet, Radio and TV spewing fear and hatred for the sake of ratings and profits.

I become exponentially pissed off with the world we live in. Is there, will there ever be a solution? I doubt it. I'm so happy I'm as old as I am and remember a peaceful time when there was no fear, could leave home without locking a door and the focus was on our helping our neighbours.

A time prior to the advance of High Technology/Gadgets and where there was no fear of being observed or where our privacy was invaded. A time in which autonomy was a given.

Had a long precious chat with my son Ryan in Japan and this topic came up for discussion. His response to my concern about 'Big Brother' (High Tech) was the we are all still free to use it or not. One must become aware that whatever is posted on the NET, phones etc. is available to the Globe. If one wants to retain some form of anonimity it is based on our choices. As are most things in life, except what the forces of Nature brings our way. Everything in life seems to always come back out our choices and accountabilty.

Of course there are many exceptions, particularly in terms of birthplace, family, backgrounde etc. that makes life far more challenging for some than others. I don't have an answer to all the questions that percolate in my mind but life seems so unfair for so many. WHY? will always be my question.

This High Tech revolution is happening so exponentially that no one has enough time to really study the overall effects on Society as a in the long term. Who will set in place the moral parameters and guidelines to provide some foundation? More questions?

~ Tutte ~

The Blessing of Friends

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject;
with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out,
just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~ Dinah Craik ~

Someday

Some Day I Won't Remember
How you smell or how you look
Some Day I Won't Remember
All the pieces of me you took
Some Day I Won't Remember
What it was like to kiss you in the rain
Some Day I Won't Remember
All the tears and all the pain

Some Day I Won't Remember
The feel of your skin
Some Day I Won't Remember
All our secrets and our sins
Some Day I Won't Remember
Staying up late at night to cry
Some Day I Won't Remember
That vivid blue-green color of your eyes
Some Day I Won't Remember
The passion that we used to share
Some Day I Won't Remember
What it felt like to have you there
Some Day I Won't Remember
The precious sound of your beating heart
And when that some day comes
I will entirely fall apart

~ Tatianna Rei Moonshadow ~

Can't Sleep

It's been erratic all month but since prior to Xmas it's become unbearable. I think I've had a maximum of 10 hours in the last 3 days. An hour or two here and there. Can barely function but my mind is in overdrive. I took a sleeping pill at noon today, it usually works in 10 minutes but not this time. I went to the bank instead and paid some bills.

My body becomes so compromised on many levels (tongue, toothache, the nerves in my legs (Spinal Stenosis), loss of appetite, Gallbladder and stomach so upset that I have lived on Ibuprofen, Tums and Alkazeltzers all week. It finally settled down somewhat tonight and I managed to have a bite to eat. It's the worst way to loose weight. Not that I need to anymore since I have lost over 100 in the last year due to my mouth problems. I mustered up some energy yesterday morning to make my favorite homemade spaghetti sauce and then couln't eat it. Thank God for my much too small freezer. It won't go to waste.

To end this on a more positive note, I finally received the form from the Gov't to pursue the retroactive refunds in Disability Credits. It is what I need in order to maintain hope to pay for any move in the future. But I know from past experiences, it can take up to 6 months for any response, so my gift of patience will come in handy.

On an even more positive tone, I received the most heartfelt letter and validation from a subscriber to my website www.portalstopeace.com. I receive quite a few but none like this one. She is living with tongue cancer and we have made a deep connection. The words she used and the way she was able to express herself is truly inspiring. There are so many loving and compassionate people out there that I would never have met had it not been for the Internet. So many things that I don't like about it but this NOT one of them. I have made so many wonderful friends from around the globe over the years that I remain in contact with.

~ Tutte ~

Happy New Year

I have never liked New Year's Eve except the one depicted in the photo above with my beloved Arch a few weeks after our wedding in 1975. And after 10 days in Hawaii on our Honeymoon and then to Calary to spend time with his childen. We celebrated it at the Rooftop in the landmark Vancouver Hotel. A nine course meal, free liquor, a Live Orchestra and a suite for what seemed an exhorbitant price at the time for $175 but seems like a bargain tonight. We invited my sister and her husband to join us. It was a fantastic evening.

Afterwards many were spent in our home with either family or friends. I would always made Julia Child's recipe for French Onion Soup and Caesar Salad. That seemed to hit the spot after midnight and a copious amount of drinks.

I had anticipated to spend it in silence tonight but unexpectedly I received a phone call from an old boyfriend Riekele from the 60's who lives in Holland. He came to Canada to study. I was madly in love with him in my early 20's. It's a long story for another time. He rejected me and I was heartbroken at the time. Today I am glad he did because it allowed me to meet the love of my life. I was having a nice chat with my son Ryan in Japan via IM when his call came in. Rick and I chatted for over an hour. So instead of being alone, I feel as though I have had company. Quite delightful.

~ Tutte ~

Unfulfilled Desire

I began my photography years ago when I wanted something to have to paint in my later years when I knew the activities of youth would deminish. Now that they have arrived and I have all my photos, easel, drawing table, etc. I don't have the light or space.

I did create a line of Greeting Cards that provided some income after my husband died so they have served a purpose.

Another great impetus to change my Environement. During the period of my profound TPSD, lasting 6 years, my creative spirit became quagmired in the prison of disfunction on every level. Now it is beginning to resurface and undoubtedly if I become creative again, the photos will not be important as I will want to express my emotions. I hope to God it will become available to me. I have so many images in my mind that I want to express on paper or canvas.

~ Tutte ~

Accountability

Very thought provoking image of a child's suffering. It is happening to millions around the globe from various circumstances and it breaks my heart.

I question whether Peace and a World without War will ever become a possibility when children are raised in Poverty without Education and Hope for a brighter future?

We are all accountable/responsible and can make a change however small our effort.

Let us all make that a New Year's Years Resolution.

We do have the power to change the status quo.

~ Tutte ~

Contemplation

I Absolutely Love this picture. It reminds me so much of who I was as a little girl and who now inhabits a grown up body with far more serious aspects of life to think about.

I call that part of myself, The Observer. I don't know why I have always had this ability but it has served me well and taught me greatly. Most importantly, kept my Ego diminished and why I have never initiated conflicts. When I am confronted by other's needs to express theirs, I tend to step back and ask why? What is their motivation and intention? In doing that, I am able to gain some sense of understanding as I attempt to walk in their shoes. It's a difficult task and not always successful. It does however remove the sting from the wasp who does so because it feels threatened.

I have discovered that most people react out of fear, usually one they are totally unaware of. We are such fragile creatures and need constant validation. When we don't receive it or are so shut down that we can't even recognize it when the gift appears, we get in a defensive stance. An attack upon another is the inevitable outcome.

Fortunately I gained this wisdom in my teens when at 18, I moved into my first apt./room that was 15' x 8'. No bigger than a closet and without a TV or phone. I spent my nights with just my thoughts and a few books. I moved there in order to save money for my first trip back to Denmark to visit my relatives. I lived there for 5 months and they were probably the most challenging and fruitful years I have ever spent in terms of thinking about who I wanted to become as an adult and what values I wanted to incorporate in my life.

Based on the circumstances I have endured over the last 6 years, I find many similarities. The contemplative and observer in me is ever present. It allows me to step back and view what is going on whether physical or mental and put it into some perspective. I may not be able to change anything in the moment but at least I have an awareness and can think about the why and how. Without intially understanding the traumatic effects of PTSD, it was impossible to contemplate changing anything, always feeling out of control. Now that it dissipating, I feel so hopeful that I can regain some control over my future. I know I will.

I feel greatly blessed to have received this ability from birth.

~ Tutte ~

An Empty Glass

Shared many glasses of Cognac over the years with my beloved Arch. Even had a glass warmer to enhance the flavour.
Now the glasses are in the back of the cupboard and covered with dust.
Just like my life.

~ Tutte ~

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I'm definitely NOT part of the INN crowd and not sure I am one of the STABLE few either. In reality, I may be more stable than others who have lived with my circumstances. I feel quite proud of myself in fact.
? Merry Christmas ?

~ Tutte ~

Little Xmas Eve

In Denmark this is a night of celebration for family members who can't attend or are uninvited to join in on Christmas Eve which the is official day of Celebration and gift opening. I partook of those in the past and think I preferred them because they had fewer expectations and usually with a Danish Cold Table. My favorite meal of all.
Tonight I spend it alone as I will the rest of the Holidays and why I am looking through a cracked window. Memories Past and nothing to create Memories today. Is that not a cracked existence?

~ Tutte ~

Rain or Snow?

It's been doing a little of both today and I don't really care unless I am housebound which I am not tonight.

I continue to cope with all the stimulations of this season. I just want to distance myself from it all. I have written to all my friends who would normally drop by with a gift or flower, not to do so. It was a very difficult letter to write.

In the past I have not opened my door or responded to the buzzer. Not even answered my phone. I just can't pretend any longer that I am not home. I don't want to protect others anymore from my Reality regardless of how it might hurt them as they attempt to express their Good Intentions and Christmas Spirit. I love them for having the desire.

Sadly, the Xmas Spirit is totally void in me......Hopefully it will return someday.

~ Tutte ~

Cocooning

During the month of December, I crawl into my cocoon and the only time I allow my visage to appear is when I am grocery shopping. Otherwise, I disappear totally. It's the only way I know how to cope with all my pain and sorrow.

~ Tutte ~

Nostalgia

Just came across this photo and it brought back so many sweet memories of times gone by and never to be recaptured.

I could write forever of my memories of the past versus what I observe in the current generation. It leaves me with a great sense of grief over the loss of innocence and romance in the youth of today. I can no longer relate as I am sure those of us from my generation struggle with. Perhaps our parents felt the same. It makes sense then for the generations to die out. It is for everyone's benefit in the big picture.

~ Tutte ~

A Fleeting Moment of Joy this morning

My beloved youngest son living in Japan connected with me tonight via IM and we chatted for over an hour. I absolutely loved it. Wish they could happen more frequently but between the time difference, his scattered work schedule and my sleeping patterns makes this very rare.

He promised to phone over the holidays and that is the only gift I wish for. I know he will because he always does and they usually last between 3-4 hours. That's more time spent in talking versus sitting over a Turkey dinner where everyone is trying to inject their 2 minutes worth.

My heart is much lighter tonight. So grateful since the last couple of days have been really difficult. We all need an infusion of joy in our lives from time to time.

Mine are few and far between.


~ Tutte ~

On the Verge

I abhor the month of December. Too many reminders of all my losses. As each day progresses so does my level of Anxiety. The crack in my heart is growing longer and the hole in the pit of my stomach is getting deeper. I am doing everything I can to stave off another PTSD attack. Not sure how I will get through the month. I am so ready to crawl out of my skin that at times, I think I will loose my mind.

~ Tutte ~

36th Wedding Anniversary - If Only

It should have been but today all I have to comfort me are photos and my memories. Every moment of that day is as vivid as if it was yesterday. It was a very small and intimate reception and everyone said it was the most memorable they had ever attended.
We were only 28 to a sit down dinner with candlelight and music.It lasted until 5 AM since no one wanted to go home. So wish I could relive it again.


~ Tutte ~