The Book of Life Keeps Unfolding

Thank GOD it does. We must remember that the only thing that is Constant in Life is Change. Some more positive than others as we experience them but they are all ultimately for our Soul's Growth. It's a difficult concept when we are in the darkest moments of our lives.

~ Tutte ~

Spring

Spring is late this year and that makes me happy. It was and still is my favorite season but since I lost my gardens, there is always a gray hue of sadness since I am no longer able to enjoy it as I once did. I loved to walk around and see everything sprout and come into bloom. It was my passion after all.

~ Tutte ~

I Can See A Way Out

After spending the first few days scouring around for boxes I only came home with 3 but today I hit the Jackpot and came home with a dozen. That removes a lot of pressure that was building. Amazingly the more I pack, the more I realize how much is still left to do. There will be much less this time since I haven't accummulated anything in the last 7 years and am being so brutal about discarding.

I have no memory of how unpacked everything when I moved in here. I am sure I was in a state of shock. The challenge once I move is that everything will be dirty because I couldn't tackle both cleaning and packing. So contrary to the way I moved in the past. Everything was washed and polished but it will give me much to occupy my time once I have moved and that will be just fine. It will be so wonderful to start off clean and shiny and without any cat hair. The bain of my life until Myki sadly died. I still miss him and hear him rarely now in my closet. Perhaps he has moved on.

I will be very busy for the next few days.

~ Tutte ~

Still Somewhat in the Dark

Hard to believe that now that I am so ready to move forward, the sheer detail of finding boxes to use for packing is almost impossible now that everyone recycles. I have spent all week searching and came home with just 1 box today. At this pace, how long will this move take? I will just have to persevere. Never expected this problem since in the past I could always get what I needed from the liquor stores. No longer. Had been told Friday was a good day so went today and NOTHING.

The Sun is out and all the spring flowers are in bloom so this spurs me on and I desperately want to keep up the momentum.

~ Tutte ~

Light

Someone To Share With

After my wonderful encounter with Shaun today, I wish Arch had been there to share it with. Of course, I believe had he not died when my boys were in their teens, our lives and relationships would have been very different. That conversation would never have occurred or been necessary. Especially since Shaun was his Dad's favorite. Who knows what impact that had on the lives of my boys. Profound undoubtedly! They have reacted very differenly. No doubt, it was far more painful for Shaun since Ryan was more connected to me and still is. I have tried to imagine but it's impossible. I still remember Larry King talking about the loss of his father when he was young. It's a life altering event.


I wish I had the ability to walk along our local beach and discuss all this with Arch. Probably from the perspective of where he is today, he would be able to reassure me that I have done the very best under the circumstances.I believe I have.

I still think it's a huge tragedy for any child to loose a parent in their youth. Especially a father who was so young at heart, vibrant and humourous as Arch. Unless he had developed dementia, he would always have had that personality. Did until shortly before he died. I never met anyone who could make me laugh so heartely nor does anyone else who came in contact with him.

He was absolutely a most delightful man and a joy to live with.

~ Tutte ~

HOPE

I am so grateful that despite the years of despair, I always maintained a glimmer of hope even when it seemed there was nothing to cling on to.

I expect since I held on to so much of my precious rosewood furniture when I moved in here, I must have known this would never become my permanent home. I am so grateful today that I did. I have had this since I bought it in my 20's and is so much part of what I consider my HOME and my life. It did create a huge problem here but I never regretted it. I haven't seen my beautiful coffee table for years, it's in storage but one of my most favorite items. I just couldn't part with it. Rosewood is beyond affordability today. As is the type of Danish craftmanship. It's not the price of it that has value for me but the beautiful grain in the wood and rich color. It can't compare with Ikea or particle board. I had to sacrifice my beautiful bedroom suit but that was acceptable. I had no choice but I did with the rest and why I held on to it.

Hopefully I will be able to recreate the type of living room I have enjoyed all my life prior to moving in here.

~ Tutte ~

It's Only

I am slowely moving forward towards the light of my escape as I continue to pack. It's a difficult task as I can only pack one box and then sit down for 10 minutes. However, no doubt by the time this is done, I should be much stonger on every level. So glad I didn't put a time frame on this move. It will take as long as it takes. Baby Steps but ever forward and I feel good about seeing empty spaces.

I had the profound pleasure of seeing my oldest son Shaun today. This after a year. He appeared very happy to see me with a smile from ear to ear and gave me a huge hug when I left. Not sure what his problem is except that he told me he has become a recluse and doesn't talk to many. I can certainly relate as my phone is still off the hook. However it warmed my heart and reassured me that our relationship is fully in tact.

Then went to see my MD who continues to provide me with free drugs via samples. What a sweetheart he is! I hope he never retires even though he is getting close to that age. He has been my Medicinal angel for the last 15 years.

~ Tutte ~

The Duality of Mother Earth

In the past few years and especially 3 weeks ago with what happened in Japan we are constantly reminded of the destructive power of Mother Earth. They supercede all the subtle and beautiful wonders and we mustn't forget them. They are what brings life to the planet whether through the seasonal changes, biology and the healing power and wisdom of our own fragile bodies.

Mother Earth is to be respected and revered regardless of how destructive at times. She is doing what is in her nature and history whether we understand it or not.

~ Tutte ~

The Sound of Nature

I think that appreciation for sounds of nature is becoming a lost art.

Being as sensory a person as I am it has always played an important role in my life and for the last 7 years I haven't heard the sound of birds. Something I have missed enormously as I always had bird feeders everywhere I have lived. There is nothing like waking up to the morning songs of birds.

Now our ears our filled with all the Hi Tech stuff in one form or another.

I think my appreciation was enhanced by sitting in a rowboat fishing while listening to the frogs croak and the wings of the dragonflies. And my years of gardening. It was so serene and peaceful.

~ Tutte ~

Waterloo Bridge - a Trip Down Memory Lane

This movie was made the year of my birth but didn't see it until I was in my teens and I had never forgotten it. Always put it in my favorite category of old movies. I have so many. Robert Taylor and Vivian Leigh. Always thought Robert Taylor was so handsome. Perhaps it was the Widows Peak in his hairline? Have to look up the origin of that term. According to Wikipedia, A descending V-shaped point in the hairline in the middle of the forehead.

Wish they would make movies like this today but Society has changed too much. There are few really good story lines and no romance left. The best movies of the distance past were those that didn't have a happy ending. Today it's all about how quickly can you get in the sack. So Sad!!!!! I'm so blessed to have experienced romance as it taught me much about men /relationships and what a romantic being I am. That aspect of me has brought much joy to my life.

I haven't watched a movie for at least 10 years but when I stumbled upon this one, I knew I had to watch it. Brought up so much nostalgia and memories along with the awareness of what a brilliant actress Vivian Leigh was. Her eyes expressed more than words. Who can forget her in "Gone with the Wind". An all time favorite movie. Have seen it countless times even on the isle of Rhodes in Greece.

But most importantly it reminded me of how much I need a comfy chair in a cozy environment perhaps with one or two candles lit where I can escape into the world of movies again. To escape the constant treadmill of my mind. I realized tonight what a huge relief it was versus the constant influx of negative news that I usually watch. As long as I only have my PC chair in front of my TV, I am always tempted to have my fingers involved with something to do on the PC so that seems my escape. I can listen to the same repeated news while doing something else. There is so little on the TV that interests me any longer. This situations needs to change dramatically so I have more balance in my life. I have become so totally bored and frustrated with it after 7 years that I am ready to crawl out of my skin. Doubt anyone can relate. Just didn't know what else to do with myself. My hubby and I always watched movies and even after he died, I would rent movies to watch on Sunday mornings. Loved those made in China and India. So many are brilliant.

This was a new discovery tonight and one that might motivate me to get my act in gear re packing and looking for My Nest. If only PTSD wouldn't be something I have to deal with every morning. It's hard to describe to others but it stops me in my tracks in terms of motivation and energy. My heart beats out of my chest and I can barely breath. It's really feeling like having a heart attack. If I ever should have one, I don't think I would recognize the difference. I hate having this disease and have no idea yet how to overcome it. Pills help somewhat. My hope is that a new place will provide a sense of peace so I won't have to deal with it any longer. For now, it's a huge hurdle I have to overcome, mentally primarily as well as physically. It's all based in Fear so I have to continue to ask myself, what is it I fear about this moving process? I still haven't come up with an answer since I have moved so often. Nothing makes sense on a rational level but PTSD is not a disease based in rationality. It must be the uknowningness that I have had to face too often.

~ Tutte ~

Feeling Very Alone

Regardless of what lies ahead in terms of a more promising future that I have dreamed about for so long, I still feel so very alone. I want someone to share it with. Especially all the work and planning involved which I can't do by myself. The unknowingness of this move had brought about major PTSD reactions and it must have triggered all the unknown and unexpected situations in the past around moving.

I wake up with major anxiety every morning which almost imobilizes me along with a burning mouth and toothache. I must overcome this if I am going to pack etc. Just not sure at the moment if I should go ahead and look for a new apt. so I can visualize the future to motivate me or continue to procrastinate in order to give myself time to pack at a comfortable pace. My strength is so diminished that I lack so much confidence in terms of what I am able to do on any given day let alone hour.

I feel very confused as to how to approach all this. I have never packed in the past without knowing where I was moving. Perhaps that is the current problem. I can't deal with stress but is what is occuring in my mind is probably more debilitating than having a specific goal and purpose. Will have to give myself a few days to mull this over. If I plan and hope to move by May 1st, I have to get my act together quickly. I am a procrastinator by personality and function at my peak levels when under pressure so perhaps that is the key to my current problem. If I could just let go of my lack of confidence and fear.

~ Tutte ~

Awareness

I finally managed to wash my bathroom floor today of the square foot blood stain that was left there after my fall. I deliberately kept it there as a reminder of how vulnerable I am to falling. Interestingly that image remains imbedded in my mind as a constant reminder.

I did some housework today after far too long, I discovered I was overly aware and hypersensitive to anything that could create a fall, including the vacuum cleaner cord or tripping over the bucket for my mop. I am not happy about living with this constant state of fear of falling or loosing my balance. It will make packing far more difficult.

I wish I had some help with this task. It was one I never paid any attention in the past except in terms of time but now I do in terms of safety. Can I carry a heavy box from one location to another? This is when it would be lovely to have some Male around to help. I expect I will have to hire someone to take care of all the tasks I can no longer do myself.

Tomorrow, I will pack my first box and hopefully gain some much needed confidence to carry on.

~ Tutte ~

Decisions

I must assume that the promise of a new life still alludes me as I continue to live in some state of fog. This entire process frightens me, partially because I don't have the strength or stamina I did in the past and without an image of a lovely destination, it feels somewhat like a burden versus a promise. Everyday feels like a huge challenge which is so unrealistic and no doubt as a result of PTSD which rears it's ugly head every morning and leaves me so depleted. I know that with each step forward, that should improve and I will feel like I am closer to realizing my dream. Had no idea that this would be such a difficult mental and physical challenge.

So grateful that I don't have the pressure of having to move by a certain date. This can take as long as is needed. However, I wish I could hire someone to just take over the whole thing. No doubt, I have much to learn with this experience. It's tough however to embrace a new future when one has felt trapped and isolated for so long. Agoraphobia became and aspect as well.

I will however persevere.

~ Tutte ~

Beyond the Shock of Good News

Oh, how I long for the comfort of my bed and a long nights sleep. Ever since I received the good news, I have returned to a profound state of insomnia and anxiety that I was totally unprepared for. I wake up after an hour or two from being so busy planning, sorting and packing in my mind. After however many days, I went down for a nap at 5pm yesterday and slept until 2 this morning. That is when I have usually been awake but at least I had a good sleep prior to. So now I have been up all day again. I actually have managed to be quite productive and took a trunk load full of clothes and books to the Charity Bins and a couple of huge garbage bags to the dumpster. I thought the best way to start this process was to get rid of everything, however painful and difficult to part with in the past and that's what I did. Including my favorite garden, art and cooking books. There's an old saying, "If you haven't looked at it or used for three years, get rid of it." The only thing I couldn't part with was my beautiful fur coat that I haven't worn in 30 years and probably never will again but it's the only reminder of what a glamorous and adventurous life I led in my youth. Occasionally I like to stroke my hands across the softness of the fur. Couldn't give it to a consignment store since no one will wear a fur coat anymore. However this coat was a lifesave for me when I lived in Montreal and had to walk to and from work in the coldest of temperatures.

I have discovered that packing without having a destination is much more difficult. I like to visualize where I will place things once I am in my new space. So this is a first for me but another learning curve and I am glad I have the patience to take this one step at a time. Anxiety took over again this week and as usual it always affects my mouth and tongue that it has been on fire again.

Hopefully with finding a much needed little nest in which to find comfort, many of my stress related problems will disappear. God I hope so.

Picked up some boxes today so will begin methodically to pack. I need to clear off the stuff on my furniture first so I have some space to put a box. This is a new experience for me and requires some level of creativity since I have no space whatsoever. No space whatsoever. But I know it will all work out and I will find a lovely home shortly. My hope is by May 1st.

~ Tutte ~

Still in Shock

The reality of yesterday's wonderful news has still to sink in and I have been living in some sort of a fog today. Can't focus my thoughts and the future at the moment is so unknown. No doubt it will all sink in very shortly.

I want to embrace this with joy and excitement and move forward.

~ Tutte ~

In Memoriam to Jayne Armstrong

Jayne, the most courageous and inspiring woman I have encountered, grew her wings and took flight today after a very prolonged and hard fought battle with Ovarian cancer. She was in her forty's and married to the most loving and supportive/caregiving husband.

I met her when she joined my website www.portalstopeace years ago and then she and I followed each other on our blogs.

I shall miss reading her blog, http://shoppingkharma.blogspot.com/ the photos she shared of herself, her dogs and husband. She told of all her struggles honestly and with humour however gut wrenching a read.

Cannabis was of great benefit to her in terms of relief from both pain and nausea and I am support in it's legalization. Never used it myself but would want it available legally, if I ever did. And if necessary illegally.I knew a doctor years ago whose daughter was dying and he would buy it illegally to provide her with relief. What does that say about the laws today? It's a natural substance versus all the chemical crap we are prescribed for this and that. I'm not much of a pill taker either but if I had a preference, I would opt for weed.


Coincidently we both received a reprieve today.

~ Tutte ~

My Reprieve

The Ship carrying my reprieve from captivity arrived today. I received my cheque from the government and it was a little more than I had hoped for. I should be playing music and celebrating but am in a state of numbness and disbelief. It will take a few days I am sure before I integrate what this really means for me and my unknown future. It's somewhat scarry. It's is a life altering event. I am sure if feels the same as someone being told they are released from prison and now free. The news is everything one has dreamt about for years but one becomes familiar to living under whatever conditions and adapt. Freedom can seem somewhat frightening and that is what I am experiencing tonight. No doubt, it will be short lived as I begin planning for my upcoming move and focus on all the tasks ahead of me.

I will celebrate in a few days once it sinks in and reality sets down roots. I feel it's a dream tonight.

The Universe kept it's promise and provided for my needs once again. My prayers were heard and answered, I am blessed and my faith affirmed.

~ Tutte ~

Transitioning

This image depicts perfectly the state I am living in currently. The dark aspects of my life will soon be behind me hopefully and yet the future is still so illusive as I live in a state of Limbo waiting to hear from the Government. I need to know how much I will receive before I can take actions for a brighter future. I am becomining increasingly impatient and restless. I have lived through this exercise countless times in my life and know that fretting over it isn't helpful and just a waste of time and energy.

It much easier to deal with the facts whether negative or positive. It allows us some sense of control. Limbo doesn't, it's a place between a rock and a hard place.

Patience is the key and I have tons of that but it is wearing thin now that I know I have been approved and spring is approaching. That is a time of new life and growth and I am so ready to sprout. I can't wait to return to the person I once was. At least, regardless of all these years of living in a vacuum, they will be easy to put behind me and be replaced with old friends and familiar routines.

~ Tutte ~