It just occurred to me tonight that I am going through another major period of sorrow in my attempt to quite smoking. A cigarette in my hand has been a constant companion for 55 years. I recognize today it's just not a matter of giving up an addiction but an entire lifestyle that is so ingrained in the psyche. For the first time in 4 1/2 months, I subconsciously reached to my left to pick up the cigarette that would normally be resting in my husband's ashtray with his name engraved, ARCH, a gift to him from an employer. It took me totally by surprise and I immediately became aware of how ingrained this habit is regardless of how well I have been doing in my attempts. I have to admit perhaps repeating myself, that I don't want to quit but MUST out of necessity. That is a very different dynamic versus most others we have to deal with which are unexpected. I still don't want to and until I have a desire, the demon will remain a constant obstacle for me to deal with. I Hate This. Have Lost Everything and this was my last daily companion.
~ Tutte ~
