Rain

The smell of rain is magical to me. I just opened my balcony door as I was heading off to bed to find myself overwhelmed by the sweetest of all aromas. The scent of a soft downpour in the Spring, falling on virgin growth of everything coming alive. A smell like none other. It brought back so many memories. When I had my gardens, I would go slug hunting under an umbrella or just simply stick my head out my window or stand in the doorway to inhale this most delectable aroma. Tonight, I was reminded of how much I miss the ability to do that now but at least I still can when I remember to stick my head out my balcony door. I have a major attitudinal problem as to what degree I want to be reminded of what I miss so profoundly and brings up so much grief versus so many joyful memories and current experiences still available to me.

I have discovered in the last 6 years, that if I am reminded too much of the joys I experienced in the past, I develop major anxiety and grief. Today I rarely allow myself to go there and why my need to totally isolate myself so I have more control over any stimulus that will affect me negatively. I am totally aware of how much pleasure and joy is available to me if I were more open to live in the moment but I haven't reached that level of growth yet. Perhaps because I keep being blindsided by the negative and unwanted. This entire life exercise of mine is a huge exploration into a foreign territory without a map or navigational tools. I am sailing by an unfamiliar guidance system but with faith that I will reach a friendly shore someday. My wish is that the journey doesn't continue for much longer. The wind seems to always be ahead of me versus at my back. I so desperatly need to find a safe harbour. The ropes that keep my sails functional are becoming frayed.

~ Tutte ~

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day in the USA and the above image depicts the obscenity of all wars. I could get on my Soapbox on this issue but won't. I find it so hard to understand that the Egos of so few men who lusted for power throughout History have resulted in so many deaths. 50 million in the last century whether via the military or civilians. Can't imagine the total death toll over the centuries. The amount of pain and grief experienced by so many who were left to live with mental/physical injuries and those who lost their loved ones. For What????

~ Tutte ~

Tired of Being Me

Staying Afloat

Staying afloat above the darkeness of depression is a daily challenge.

~ Tutte ~

A Heart filled with Grief is a Heavy Burden to Carry

Eyes and Mouth

It is said the Eyes are a Window into the Soul,
What comes out of the Mouth, is it's Manifestation.

~ Tutte ~

A Mother's Love

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. When you were born, I saw your face and knew I was in love. Before you were a minute old, I knew I would die for you. To this day, I will.

Dreaming of Flight

I realize today that as a result of someone else's desire to escape, it became a contributing factor to my developing PTSD. In my 20's, I witnessed a young man plunge to his death from the 32nd floor of an office building. I became frozen in time, I was so shocked. The memory is crystal clear to this day. I later discovered that he was the son of my girlfriend's neighbour and had committed suicide.

Prior to that incident, I was fearless, dove off bridges and in fact Skydived. From that day forward, I have had a profound fear of heights. It took me years before I made the connection.

~ Tutte ~

Circuitry Gone Awry - PTSD

Touch

What is better than falling asleep with a Loving Touch

~ Tutte ~

The Pleasure of Reading

Until the onset of PTSD, one of my passions was reading. 50 years of everything I could get my hands on. I read every night before I fell asleep. I absolutely loved it. Would read 2-3 books a week in various gendre. My husband was an avid reader as well so we spent countless hours in book stores, libraries etc. With all my moves, I must have donated over a 100 boxes of books from our personal library. It was heartbreaking as I treasured them all. With PTSD, I just can't focus my attention anymore. It's been a huge loss needless to say.

~ Tutte ~

Missing You

Returning to the Elements

Alone

My Tongue

30 months ago due to a Major PTSD attack my mouth was terribly impacted. I lost my ability to produce Saliva and therefore no taste buds. After 6 months, the saliva returned and so did my ability to taste once again. However, I continue to struggle with a tongue that feels like the picture above. It continues to be one of the most irritating health issues I have ever had to deal with. It is always on Fire!

Due to the lack of Saliva, my teeth were also impacted, my fillings fell out as did my Crowns in my upper jaw so I had no choice but to get a dental plate. I have not been able to adjust to the change in taste when I wear them. Nothing tastes the same. Perhaps I have more taste buds in the roof of my mouth than others. As a result, today I eat foods that I can Gum so I have some enjoyment. What a horrendous adjustment to have to make for a Gourmet cook and someone who had an extensive repetoire of recipes.

This has been/is a huge cause of Grief.

~ Tutte ~

The Delicate Heart

We Are All Like Leaves

A leaf in the wind
Being blown around the earth
Catching the currents
It falls forgotten

Never to be seen again
Life ends and begins

Like people living
Or people also dying
People will forget

Lost in history
You will be buried and left
Life will keep going

People will be sad
But in some time that will end
When you die life ends

You are forgotten
But a wisp of memory
Your life has ended

Inevitably
You will be taken away
From the Earth you love

After the crying
Your memory will subside
And then you are gone

Wiped from existence
All memory of you left
Sometimes remembered

Like that flying leaf
Your soaring will be your life
Some time you will fall

Unbelievable
But true death will come for you
We are just like leaves

by Corwin Zekley 2008

Temptation

The temptation to escape from all my pain and sorrow is ever present. Especially upon waking. I remember a time when every sunrise was a promise of more love, joy and happiness. Oh to be able to turn back the clock.

~ Tutte ~

Could He But Give Me One More Flower

Through the Eyes of Time

Peace Prayer

Peace to the inner and outer environments.

Peace to the five elements within and without.

Peace to this body.

Peace to this mind.

Peace to this huge ocean of emotions and feelings.

By the power of the truth and for the happiness of all beings,
may we have a culture of peace,
a society of peace, a world of peace,
where we can have days of peace,
nights of peace, sleep with peace and dreams of peace.

By the power of the truth and for the healing of all beings,
may we have peace in all moments
and in everything.

Eye of Sadness

Oh to have something lick up this endless flow of tears.

~ Tutte ~

Taking Flight

This image represents releasing the spirit of a deceased love one. They enter into a state of Metamorphosis and grow wings and we need to let them take flight. I find that comforting.

~ Tutte ~

Restless Spirit

Take this restless spirit that I hold
So deep inside of me
Calm and soothe and make it rest
Teach me how to breathe

Slow my mind down from this pace
Enable me to see
That all this constant running
Steals my peace from me

Show me how to just be still
And listen for awhile
How to take a rest from everything
Sit quietly and smile

Take my wandering heart and make it still
Just long enough to find
What I seek and need the most
To gain some peace of mind

Copyright *Neva Flores @2010

Gulf Oil Spill

Weeping Heart

Overwhelmed by the Downpour of Grief

How I felt after my 3 hour phone call on Mother's Day from my son Ryan who lives in Japan and who will remain forever distant from me. I love him more than anyone living on the planet and feel very cheated as much as I am overjoyed that he is happy with his life.

TIRED

Tired of all the wasted days
All the wasted years
So tired of running backwards
And how time disappears

Sick of being sick and tired
And tired of being sad
I decided that only I could change it
And be happy with what I had

Tired of feeling lost
And always seeking home
I took a good look at myself
And how far I've roamed

I've never put down roots
Or clung to anything
Never stayed in one place for long
Afraid they'd clip my wings

It's no wonder I feel I don't belong
Anywhere I roam
I've never stayed there long enough
To call any place my home.
~ Neve Flores ~

Problems

What You See

The Journey of Life

The journey of life is like a man riding a bicycle.
We know he got on the bicycle and started to move.
We know that at some point he will stop and get off.
We know that if he stops moving and does not get off,
he will fall off.

~ William Golding ~

Buried Behind My Dreams

It just occurred to me that my problems related to my major depression is based in the fact that I am a dreamer. Always have been. It sustained me in my childhood and in early adulthood when I sat behind a machine 11 hours a day punching keys. A mindless exercise but one I was good at so it let my mind wander and fantasize. It has been the source of my nurturance when I had my gardens and dealing with unexpected external financial stressors. And of course they do today when I sleep. My escape from the 'prison' I perceive my existence to be. Dreams are another word for Visualization. We do both and it's the same process. It's in order to manifest some deep seated desire we have for ourselves and others. Every good deed I believe, begins with a dream or vision. It's our ability to fulfill them that gives us a great deal of satisfaction and personal fulfillment. They are the motivator for all innovations and adventurous expeditions. The areas in which we dream vary from person to person and none are better than others. It's about being able to express the creative source within each of us.

In the last x number of years, because of external/physical/financial circumstances, I have lost the ability to daydream.....it's really another word for Hope. Hope is the Essence of Life. I try to conjour up some dreams for the future......and I have, knowing exactly what they look like but I don't know how to manifest them. They are the undercurrent of my daily existence and what creates such grief for me. It's that constant exercise in suppressing them that is the most difficult to deal with. Now I am faced once again with the prospect of unfulfillment as my income has been so dractically reduced. As Merkle wrote in his book, "The Meaning of Life", it was the people in the concentration camps who lost hope that didn't survive. So to me, that implies that as long as we have a thread of Hope to hang on to, we have a chance and will persevere. For those who no longer feel they have that thread, there is only one outcome. What that thread is, is dependent on the individual being. Hope is the Fuel of Life. Without it, there is just Existence.

~ Tutte ~

LISTEN

There is a knocking in the skull,
An endless silent shout
Of something beating on a wall,
And crying, Let me out!

That solitary prisoner
Will never hear reply.
No comrade in eternity
Can hear the frantic cry.

No heart can share the terror
That haunts his monstrous dark.
The light that filters through the chinks
No other eye can mark.

When flesh is linked with eager flesh,
And words run warm and full,
I think that he is loneliest then,
The captive in the skull.

Caught in a mesh of living veins,
In cell of padded bone,
He loneliest is when he pretends
That he is not alone.

We'd free the incarcerate race of man
That such a doom endures
Could only you unlock my skull,
Or I creep into yours.

~ Ogden Nash ~

Everyone Just Wants to be Heard

One of the hardest things in life is having words
in your heart that you can't utter.

~ James Earl Jones ~

Whatever Our Souls are made Of

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

~ Emily Bronte ~

In Memoriam to Sailors Lost at Sea

De gik til Ankers om den ganske Jord
og faldt til Hvile under alle Zoner,
een slumrer under Sneen højt i Nord,
en anden under sydens Blomsterflor
hvor Vinden hvisker mellem Palmekroner.

Paa alle Kyster ved det aabne Hav
en Frændes Ankerplads er vel at finde,
da ingen kender hvor han fandt sin Grav,
og ingen ham en krans til Kisten gav,
paa hjemlig Jord ham rejstes dette minde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They sought anchorage on every shore,
And found rest in many places,
One sleeps under the snow in the North
Another under the flowers of the South
Where the wind whispers through the crowns of Palms.

On all shores bordered by the open Sea
One is likely to find a friendly resting place,
As no one knows where he found his Grave,
And none were there to place a wreath upon his coffin,
In his homeland, this memorial has been erected.

~ translated by Tutte ~

Sailing into the Ether

As a descendant of a lineage of Sea Captains, some who were lost at sea including my great-grandfather, I am reminded that at one time there were over 200 widows on the small island Fano. It is located off the west coast of Denmark and measures 14 miles long x 3 miles and where my roots are. Most of these women were left with children. My great grandmother at the age of 36 was left with 8 daughters to raise on her own. I imagine they spent many evenings staring at the sea contemplating the mystery of ships and loved ones who sailed from a safe Hearth and Harbour into the Ether, never to return.

~Tutte~

Honeycomb Heart

My heart is a honeycomb today.

Once every cell was filled with joy and happiness.

Over the years of numerous losses, health and financial problems,
without bees coming by to fill up the empty spaces, they continue to grow and multiply.

Without the constant traffic of bees of kindness, empathy and compassion, the honeycomb will eventually become moldy and turn into dust.

A joyful heart needs nourishment and we can only receive that from the people in our lives who are able to recognize the depletion that is occurring for us in very subtle ways.

Many of which we ourselves are unaware of in the moment.
~ Tutte ~

Winter Storm

During long winter nights
I mourn, lingeringly, by your graveside
Unable to bear
Chills seize through my veins
And although,
I cannot turn back the hands of time
Time and time again,
I find myself asking...begging

Alone with my thoughts, and memories
Anguish closes in around me;
Coldness seeps into my bones
And once again, I find myself, aching
For the sound of those tiny footsteps
Treading so innocently across the floor
And the loud jubilant squeals of laughter

I grow weary trying to grasp
The center of my existence
Each day a mere silhouette of the last
I feel as though, I am but a shadow;
Treading in darkness, lost and confused,
Battered by a cold frigid wind
And precariously hanging on edge

Now heartache and pain
Consume the very depths of my soul
I pray for solace, that one day
I shall lay my weary self down
And rest, rest long and unencumbered
In a deep and peaceful sleep
Throughout the cold winter storm.
~ Debra ~

LONELINESS

What loneliness
to find no meaning
when there is a meaning

And what loneliness
to be blind in the full light of day, -
and deaf, what loneliness,
amidst the swelling of a song

But not to understand
when there is no meaning,
and to be blind in the middle of the night,
and deaf when silence is complete, -
oh, loneliness within loneliness!

~Unknown~

JUST LET ME SLEEP

What is worse than empty lined paper,
lying in front of you?

A pencil moving light and slowly,
beautifully but tired, over the sheet?

Drawing circles in your head,
but on the paper nothing is written?

The head upon the pillow,
the eyes are nearly closed. Dreaming far away.

In this dream, nothing has changed. Bright it is,
and oh, so wonderful.

Dreams turns into nightmares. Nightmares into reality.
Reality is once again worse than dreams.

What is then worse than empty lined paper?
Reality I tell you my friend.

Line Kjergaard

SONG OF THE FLOWER

I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.
I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn.

At dawn I unite with the breeze
To announce the coming of light;
At eventide I join the birds
In bidding the light farewell.

The plains are decorated with
My beautiful colors, and the air
Is scented with my fragrance.

As I embrace Slumber the eyes of
Night watch over me, and as I
Awaken I stare at the sun, which is
The only eye of the day.

I drink dew for wine, and hearken to
The voices of the birds, and dance
To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.

I am the lover's gift; I am the wedding wreath;
I am the memory of a moment of happiness;
I am the last gift of the living to the dead;
I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.

But I look up high to see only the light,
And never look down to see my shadow.
This is wisdom which man must learn.

Kahlil Gibran

ALONE

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

~ Maya Angelou ~

Comes To Pass

Everything comes to pass, nothing comes to stay.

~ Matthew Flickstein ~

It is my belief that we are all leaves on the tree of life and someday,
it will be our turn to release attachment to the physical world as our season comes to an end.
Every leaf contributed to the overall health of the tree and in it's return to replenish the roots,
that energy will continue for countless seasons to come.
Tutte

Death Is Not The Greatest Loss

Death is not the greatest loss in life.

The greatest loss is what dies within us while we live.

Norman Cousins

This Too Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

Helen Steiner Rice

Sadness

"Our sadness is an energy we discharge in order to heal.

Sadness is painful. We try to avoid it.

Actually discharging sadness releases the energy involved in our emotional pain.

To hold it in is to freeze the pain within us.

The therapeutic slogan is that grieving is the ‘healing feeling.’"

- John Bradshaw -

Has The Music Ended

What has happened to the music
I heard so sweetly played
Between two hearts that sang as one
With the voice that love did make

A melody warm and haunting
With words of love so sweet
Sang in harmony soft and clear
That never missed a beat

Such a symphony was created
As two hearts sang as one
Written by the hand of love
To never come undone

Has the music ended
Does the tune no longer play
How could love's song end suddenly
If true love never fades....
***
Neva Flores

It never does! Tutte