Happy New Year

I have never liked New Year's Eve except the one depicted in the photo above with my beloved Arch a few weeks after our wedding in 1975. And after 10 days in Hawaii on our Honeymoon and then to Calary to spend time with his childen. We celebrated it at the Rooftop in the landmark Vancouver Hotel. A nine course meal, free liquor, a Live Orchestra and a suite for what seemed an exhorbitant price at the time for $175 but seems like a bargain tonight. We invited my sister and her husband to join us. It was a fantastic evening.

Afterwards many were spent in our home with either family or friends. I would always made Julia Child's recipe for French Onion Soup and Caesar Salad. That seemed to hit the spot after midnight and a copious amount of drinks.

I had anticipated to spend it in silence tonight but unexpectedly I received a phone call from an old boyfriend Riekele from the 60's who lives in Holland. He came to Canada to study. I was madly in love with him in my early 20's. It's a long story for another time. He rejected me and I was heartbroken at the time. Today I am glad he did because it allowed me to meet the love of my life. I was having a nice chat with my son Ryan in Japan via IM when his call came in. Rick and I chatted for over an hour. So instead of being alone, I feel as though I have had company. Quite delightful.

~ Tutte ~

Unfulfilled Desire

I began my photography years ago when I wanted something to have to paint in my later years when I knew the activities of youth would deminish. Now that they have arrived and I have all my photos, easel, drawing table, etc. I don't have the light or space.

I did create a line of Greeting Cards that provided some income after my husband died so they have served a purpose.

Another great impetus to change my Environement. During the period of my profound TPSD, lasting 6 years, my creative spirit became quagmired in the prison of disfunction on every level. Now it is beginning to resurface and undoubtedly if I become creative again, the photos will not be important as I will want to express my emotions. I hope to God it will become available to me. I have so many images in my mind that I want to express on paper or canvas.

~ Tutte ~

Accountability

Very thought provoking image of a child's suffering. It is happening to millions around the globe from various circumstances and it breaks my heart.

I question whether Peace and a World without War will ever become a possibility when children are raised in Poverty without Education and Hope for a brighter future?

We are all accountable/responsible and can make a change however small our effort.

Let us all make that a New Year's Years Resolution.

We do have the power to change the status quo.

~ Tutte ~

Contemplation

I Absolutely Love this picture. It reminds me so much of who I was as a little girl and who now inhabits a grown up body with far more serious aspects of life to think about.

I call that part of myself, The Observer. I don't know why I have always had this ability but it has served me well and taught me greatly. Most importantly, kept my Ego diminished and why I have never initiated conflicts. When I am confronted by other's needs to express theirs, I tend to step back and ask why? What is their motivation and intention? In doing that, I am able to gain some sense of understanding as I attempt to walk in their shoes. It's a difficult task and not always successful. It does however remove the sting from the wasp who does so because it feels threatened.

I have discovered that most people react out of fear, usually one they are totally unaware of. We are such fragile creatures and need constant validation. When we don't receive it or are so shut down that we can't even recognize it when the gift appears, we get in a defensive stance. An attack upon another is the inevitable outcome.

Fortunately I gained this wisdom in my teens when at 18, I moved into my first apt./room that was 15' x 8'. No bigger than a closet and without a TV or phone. I spent my nights with just my thoughts and a few books. I moved there in order to save money for my first trip back to Denmark to visit my relatives. I lived there for 5 months and they were probably the most challenging and fruitful years I have ever spent in terms of thinking about who I wanted to become as an adult and what values I wanted to incorporate in my life.

Based on the circumstances I have endured over the last 6 years, I find many similarities. The contemplative and observer in me is ever present. It allows me to step back and view what is going on whether physical or mental and put it into some perspective. I may not be able to change anything in the moment but at least I have an awareness and can think about the why and how. Without intially understanding the traumatic effects of PTSD, it was impossible to contemplate changing anything, always feeling out of control. Now that it dissipating, I feel so hopeful that I can regain some control over my future. I know I will.

I feel greatly blessed to have received this ability from birth.

~ Tutte ~

An Empty Glass

Shared many glasses of Cognac over the years with my beloved Arch. Even had a glass warmer to enhance the flavour.
Now the glasses are in the back of the cupboard and covered with dust.
Just like my life.

~ Tutte ~

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I'm definitely NOT part of the INN crowd and not sure I am one of the STABLE few either. In reality, I may be more stable than others who have lived with my circumstances. I feel quite proud of myself in fact.
? Merry Christmas ?

~ Tutte ~

Little Xmas Eve

In Denmark this is a night of celebration for family members who can't attend or are uninvited to join in on Christmas Eve which the is official day of Celebration and gift opening. I partook of those in the past and think I preferred them because they had fewer expectations and usually with a Danish Cold Table. My favorite meal of all.
Tonight I spend it alone as I will the rest of the Holidays and why I am looking through a cracked window. Memories Past and nothing to create Memories today. Is that not a cracked existence?

~ Tutte ~

Rain or Snow?

It's been doing a little of both today and I don't really care unless I am housebound which I am not tonight.

I continue to cope with all the stimulations of this season. I just want to distance myself from it all. I have written to all my friends who would normally drop by with a gift or flower, not to do so. It was a very difficult letter to write.

In the past I have not opened my door or responded to the buzzer. Not even answered my phone. I just can't pretend any longer that I am not home. I don't want to protect others anymore from my Reality regardless of how it might hurt them as they attempt to express their Good Intentions and Christmas Spirit. I love them for having the desire.

Sadly, the Xmas Spirit is totally void in me......Hopefully it will return someday.

~ Tutte ~

Cocooning

During the month of December, I crawl into my cocoon and the only time I allow my visage to appear is when I am grocery shopping. Otherwise, I disappear totally. It's the only way I know how to cope with all my pain and sorrow.

~ Tutte ~

Nostalgia

Just came across this photo and it brought back so many sweet memories of times gone by and never to be recaptured.

I could write forever of my memories of the past versus what I observe in the current generation. It leaves me with a great sense of grief over the loss of innocence and romance in the youth of today. I can no longer relate as I am sure those of us from my generation struggle with. Perhaps our parents felt the same. It makes sense then for the generations to die out. It is for everyone's benefit in the big picture.

~ Tutte ~

A Fleeting Moment of Joy this morning

My beloved youngest son living in Japan connected with me tonight via IM and we chatted for over an hour. I absolutely loved it. Wish they could happen more frequently but between the time difference, his scattered work schedule and my sleeping patterns makes this very rare.

He promised to phone over the holidays and that is the only gift I wish for. I know he will because he always does and they usually last between 3-4 hours. That's more time spent in talking versus sitting over a Turkey dinner where everyone is trying to inject their 2 minutes worth.

My heart is much lighter tonight. So grateful since the last couple of days have been really difficult. We all need an infusion of joy in our lives from time to time.

Mine are few and far between.


~ Tutte ~

On the Verge

I abhor the month of December. Too many reminders of all my losses. As each day progresses so does my level of Anxiety. The crack in my heart is growing longer and the hole in the pit of my stomach is getting deeper. I am doing everything I can to stave off another PTSD attack. Not sure how I will get through the month. I am so ready to crawl out of my skin that at times, I think I will loose my mind.

~ Tutte ~

36th Wedding Anniversary - If Only

It should have been but today all I have to comfort me are photos and my memories. Every moment of that day is as vivid as if it was yesterday. It was a very small and intimate reception and everyone said it was the most memorable they had ever attended.
We were only 28 to a sit down dinner with candlelight and music.It lasted until 5 AM since no one wanted to go home. So wish I could relive it again.


~ Tutte ~

Binds

What is it that binds you?
You are not bound by any chains now.
Is it just the thought that you are bound that binds you?
Mental chains can only be broken by mental effort.
~ Author Unknown ~

It is in this daily excecise I have spent the last 6 years. It has become much too long. I have attempted to explore every little niche and crevasse in order to discover one little weakness that I can chip away at so that I can finally find my release.

~ Tutte ~

Emerging

I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path; but by the courage I have found to forge new roads.

I do not define myself by how many disappointments I have faced; but by the forgiveness and faith I have found to begin again.

I do not define myself by how long a relationship last; but by how I have loved and have been willing to love again.

I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down; but by how many times I have struggled to my feet.

I do not define myself by I have appeared a fool; but by the number of risks I have taken.

I do not define byself by the number of mistakes I have made; but by the knowledge I have learned from trying a new way.

I am not my pain...I am not my past.

I am that which is emerging.

Author unknown.

Happiness

Happiness is the Carrot on the stick that the world is obsessed with via the accumulation of wealth and material things. It's an illusive term and means different things for everyone. Primarily based on expectations placed on us via our parents, schools, friends, work, advertising and the media. It's another term used without any real understanding as is the word Love.

In my humble opinion they both mean the same at their core. Contentment and Peace. To discover what that means for us as individuals is the journey we have embarked upon over many lifetimes. It requires time spent in the classroom of the Earthly experience, and our efforts in terms of going inwards and examining ourselves at a very deep level. It can only happen on an internal level and one that is unique to everyone. It requires a Letting Go of the Ego. The most difficult task of all.

Tutte

Balancing Between the Past & the Future

That's my Daily Battle and HOPE is all I cling on to.

~ Tutte ~

Support

The support I depend upon seems so Illusive at times. I know it is there on some level but not in the form I need. Or perhaps it is and I just can't reach out and ask for help.

~ Tutte ~

I've Had Enough...at least for Today

I've had enough of sleepless nights,
...of my unspoken grief,
of my tired wisdom.

Come my treasure,
my breath of life
come and dress my wounds
and be my cure.

Enough of words.

Come to me without a sound.

~ Rumi ~