Hourglass

The Aspect of Time is no longer of any consequence at the moment. The minutes spill into hours and then into days without any delineation except for the sky. Sometimes when the blinds are closed I have no idea whatsoever. I can wake up at 5 and think it is in the AM only to discover it is PM. I am totally discombobulated. As human beings, we survive best by having habits and routines. I am totally lacking. Is it any wonder I am so F...ked Up?

~ Tutte ~

Insomnia

Another 4 days of Insomnia. Can't remember if, when or for how long I have slept. It's totally debilitating. I'm living in a Fog. What has caused this, I have no idea but hope I can make a shift soon.

~ Tutte ~

Pearls

I have always had a love for Pearls. My Favorite Jewel. Bought myself an 18" graduated strand for my 21st birthday. My first ring contained a Pearl and Arch gave me a double strand as a wedding present. I own many. Love them all.

I remember once when at a Hospice Retreat we were asked to do a visualization about our lives. What I received during my meditation was that our lives our similar to that of a Pearl. It begins it's evolution as an irritant to the Oyster and over time the Oyster in order to protect itself, builds up increasing layers of Nacre that eventually gives the Pearl it's lustre. I could relate and believe that life's experiences lay down layers of Nacre on each of us until some day we will all become lustrous beings. Just as with the Oyster, it's a long and irritating process.


Few are perfect or uniform in color and shape but each is unique and beautiful.

~ Tutte ~

Empty Shell

I have become the empty shell being tossed about by the currents on the storming sea of life. I wonder if I will ever reconnect with the safety of the shell that once protected me?

~ Tutte ~

It's the Weekend and I Long for Love

Happy Environment

I could be perfectly content in an environment like this that would satisfy most of my senses. A little classical music in the background and a brunch with my beloved would complete the image. We used to do that on the weekends over the summer in my gardens. Such Joy!

~ Tutte ~

Walking Complimentary Paths

Arch and I did in terms of our interpretation and expression of what it means to truly love another unconditionally. Why we were so happy despite all the external forces that would pull most couples apart.

~ Tutte ~

Balance in All Aspects of Life

Is Paramount to having a fulfilling life. Mine is greatly lacking. The summer of 1994, I believe I experienced it for the first and only time.

~ Tutte ~

True Love

Will bind us together forever throughout Eternity. I don't expect it will be in the same form but rather in having shared a most profound experience.

~ Tutte ~

Hiding Behind a Mask

A follow-up to the post below, I must add that in order to fit into and feel acceptable I applied many masks, especially in my youth. I did that via having jewels, clothes, beautiful furniture, crystal glasses, sterling silverware and a furcoat. All before I was 30 on a meager income.

I didn't realize at the time, it was a form of mask to hide behind and how it would impact others. Rather than making me seem more acceptable or friendly, I was viewed as arrogant, intimidating and distant regardless of my efforts to befriend others with my humorous personality. I never bragged nor told anyone of what my home or possessions were. I guess how I dressed said it all! I still can't believe I was able to attain all I did materially on such a small income. I expect working 2 jobs for 6 years and being very frugal was the key. I was not into instant gratification. I had a dream, a vision and a goal. Having a beautiful and comfortable home was primary and why today, not having that for the first time in my life is so devastating.

In retrospect, I guess all my efforts and sacrifices in order to achieve my goals, gave me a sense of self-esteem that was not experienced by others I came in contact with. Few people in their youth really have goals and dreams. I expect they looked at me and wished they had.

Dramatic changes have occured over the years. I no longer have any masks to wear. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know what it could possible be. I am so removed from any investment in the material world or possessions or trying to impress anyone. I am finally free and don't care what anyone thinks. I have finally discovered my True Self with all my Weirdness and shortcomings. Have to admit that there are parts of me that I am not too happy with since they don't seem to serve me well, even in my isolation but I expect that is an aspect of PTSD and depression. I am working on improving those.

However having a cosy home is still my priority. We all need a nest that seems secure and safe. Even in my youth when I lived in Bachelor apartments, they all left me with a feeling of cosiness that I have never experienced here. I crave that more than I can ever express. It was the focus of my entire life. Regardless of what was happening externally, I always knew I had a place in which to find comfort. I havenn't experienced that for the last 6 years. Still unsure if I will ever achieve that again and why my profound sense of hopelessness.

~ Tutte ~

Different

I have been told all my life I am Different or Weird. Today I am aware that I am and it's perfectly okay and no longer view it as a judgment. Just a misperception. I'm just different.

I am still discovering all the aspects of me that are 'unique' and there are plenty I don't understand yet. How then could others?
I have always had questions around why I react or respond differently to everyone I have encountered and why I have never felt I really belong. I expect I never will. The World has never been a fit. The only person who had some glimmer of understanding was my beloved Arch and why I loved him. I KNOW he was 'unique' in his own right. We found the perfect match in each other and why our Unconditional Love.

~ Tutte ~

Celebration

My Greatest hope is that someday soon, I will be able to rejoin my sisterhood of friends and celebrate all the experience of our lives and the ones we have shared. I have been unable to for so long.

~ Tutte ~

The Unknown Future

I expect as we become older, that is the question on everyone's mind.
Since there is no answer or assurance, we must live our lives Honestly with Integrity, Love, Empathy and Compassion. That is the foundation for Loving Oneself. And Others.

~ Tutte ~

Claws

These past years have provided me with the opportunity to see the darker side of myself. Prior to, I was so arrogant to think I didn't have one. Well, I sure discovered I Do and learnt and grew a great deal in the process. My discovery was primarily focused on the fact that when I was at my lowest, I would project that onto others with my judgements and criticisms. I kept them to myself but they plagued me until I came to the realization that whatever I was a feeling was my projection and need to dimish others in order to justify my pain. That was a time of profound Enlightenment. Of course, I still do from time to time but have made huge strides forward. Today they are an 8th of what they once were.

~ Tutte ~

A Fish Story

As a follow up to the story below, I continued to fish when I had the opportunity.

I remember vividly one evening around sunset when I got into a rowboat and anchored in the little bay adjacent to our home. The frogs were croaking on the lakehore, the lake filled with lily pads and dragonflies as the sun was setting behind the steeple of a church on a distant shore. It was a magical night as I sank my line into the water. I didn't have much expectation but just loved being in the overall serenity of that environment. Lo and behold, I got a bite that tugged on my pole. I knew immediately that there was something bigger than what I was accustomed to with the small perch, sun bass and catfish. I reeled it close to the side of the rowboat and realized it was a very large fish. My immediate concern became, how would I ever manage to get it off the hook since that was the most difficult aspect of fishing for me. As I continued to reel it in and upwards, it unexpectedly ejected itself off the hook and into the bottom of the boat and relieved me from having to face my fear. It remained flopping around in the boat while I returned home to get my Dad who had to kill it. In retrospect, it was an evening filled with many emotions. The joy I felt while on the lake in such a peaceful environment and the conclusion that resulted in the death of an innocent animal. I couldn't bear to watch. That was the last time I ever went fishing. Perhaps the size was a factor and made it more realistic and was so incongruent to the serenity I had experienced earlier. The only happy ending is that my cat had food for several days.

No doubt, I would have a different attitude, if my hunger and survival was a factor.

~ Tutte ~

7 Fish with One Worm

I was reminded on my outing yesterday by a memory that I have held onto all my life. Bob, loves to fish so we shared some stories.
It was the second summer after we arrived in Canada and as we lived adjacent to the Lake of Two Mountains west of Montreal, I discovered the joy of fishing. I loved the solitude and the patience it required to wait for the Bobbin to tug at my string. My pole was a long branch cut from a tree to which I attached a short string, a bobbin, a weight and a hook. I would dig in the dirt around the lake and find worms. I usually caught a fish, inedible because the lake was polluted but was always proud of my effort. A Gift to my cat however. I didn't mind so much putting the worm on the hook but removing the fish from the hook if it was too deeply imbedded was a problem. However my best day was when I caught 7 fish with one worm. Of course the worm became shorter and shorter. What a day that was!

~ Tutte ~

Discarding the Past

After such a lovely day, it is my profound desire to discard the mask of grief and stress....but how to do that without options is the question? I don't have a clue but I will continue to visualize a better life.

~ Tutte ~

Just Living

Just living is not enough, said the butterfly
One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower

~Hans Christian Anderson~

Fading Ego

I expect that for most of us, the current Economic hardships, lack of employment etc. and especially aging provide us with the tools to diminish the negative aspect of the Ego's hold over us.

In my youth, I wanted everything to be of the highest quality, not in terms of labels or quantity, but because that was my taste in everything. Less was more but it had to be the Best. No doubt my underlying need to fulfill a mask I had perceived as necessary to fulfill myself. Somewhere in the mix, my aesthetic appreciation played a roll and I was always drawn to the best and most expensive as a result. I don't feel any need to apologize for that. It is just part of who I am. A Major part of my Acute Sensory Experience.

With all that has happened to me and now as I have entered into a period of life where appearance, health, home, friends, all the accruements that made life an enjoyable experience are diminishing, the ego fades as well. I am finally forced to relinquish the masks and accept myself for who I REALLY am. I like parts of me so much better.

The challenge then becomes, as we reflect upon our lives, how illusionary or genuine we really were. The answer to that will either bring up peace or sorrow. It would behoove everyone to think about this as they walk on their journey through life but I expect most never do in terms of long term consequences. I am so grateful I have.

A Brief Glimpse at the End of the Tunnel

It's so rare that I can actually state that I had a wonderful day and
I DID TODAY!
My best girlfriend and her sweet hubby took me out for lunch in a quaint village and a drive in the countryside. It provided me once again with a view that I always hold dear of what I envision my life could be but has seemed illusive and impossible for too many years and reasons.
IT JUST FELT SO NORMAL!
One of many afternoons I have enjoyed countless times throughout my life prior to the last 15.

Without the means and options, I have no idea how to return to 'my normal'.

A Normal Life, is my greatest desire.

~ Tutte ~

It's Weird

I expect most of us can relate. Relationships are a dance. If you step on my toes, I may not want to dance with again but if you twirl me around and make me feel wonderful, I will give you another dance card. It takes someone very patient to acknowledge that this might be your first time on the dance floor and give you another chance. Perhaps even take the time to teach you how to dance according to their choreography. Everyone has their own. No two people dance in sync unless they have had the same teacher. We must all learn Patience. For ourselves and others. In the process, we make lifelong dance partners.

~ Tutte ~

People Don't Leave

It's been a real eye opener for me in terms of who my real friends are and what is perceived as Worth.

~ Tutte ~

Soul Searching

It's what we do when we finally awaken from the deceptions of our Ego driven lives and recognize there is something of greater value beyond the veil of our own illusions. It's a long and difficult journey but once on the path, it becomes impossible to take a step backwards. It requires faith and perseverance.

~ Tutte ~

My Desire

Is that we all become blind to all forms of Descrimination based on Politics, Religious Ideologies, Skin Color, Origin of Birth, Linguistic Accents, Disabilities, Economic circumstances and Educational achievements. Why can't we all see the best qualities within our brothers and sisters without always becoming fearful or antagonistic? I know I am an Idealist, always have been but have no desire to change that about myself. Having that philosphy is becoming more and more difficult it seems with the current sense of fearfulness Globally on every level.

~ Tutte ~

ANGEL OF HOPE

I pray I receive a visit tonight so I will awaken with a different attitude.

~ Tutte ~

Food Cravings

There are times like right this moment when I am so overwhelmed with cravings for certain foods that were part of my past. A BLT, a Panini, a Thai Spring Roll, Japanese and Vietnamese food, French Fries, anything deep fried, Weiner Schnietzel, Breaded Porkchop, a BBQ'd Steak etc. etc. etc. Anything Fresh or with a Crunch. Just a good crusty roll or a piece of toast. God how I miss those. They were my favorites versus all the 'stuff' that I can gum today. I can't think about it or I will cry. Instead I will stuff the 10th piece of gum in my mouth and hope that alleviates the cravings. Ultimately it doesn't but momentarily. I have no idea how to resolve this enormous and current problem.

Once again, I have been denied what I used to take for granted. What is that about I ask myself and never receive an answer. God I am so frustrated and becoming increasingly impatient.

~ Tutte ~

I LOVE MY PC

How would I survive without it? It is my only connection to the outside world. To express some small effort of creativity. Most importantly to pass the time. I spend 16 hours a day in front of it daily so am obviously addicted. Not by choice but by necessity. Thankfully I have found many avenues that provide me with as much as I need whether by Stumble Upon, Community Websites, My Own and just playing games. I can't stand watching TV unless it is running in the background. There are far more creative activities I would prefer but am unable to so this has become a wonderful vehicle for self-entertainment.

~ Tutte ~

The Ghostship of My Fears

Is ever on the Horizon and causes a continued state of Anxiety. I have a difficult time going to bed at night because the constant fluttering butterflies in my stomach won't allow me to relax. I don't understand why this happens. What is it about facing tomorrow that is so abhorant to me? Well, I guess I do know. It's the repetition of the same sense of hopelessness, the financial worries and the constant need to supress my desires and the Aloneness.

My Rational mind is able to Observe what is going on and recognize how insane this stress is and yet I seem immobilized to do anything about it. When it becomes really Extreme, I take an anti-depressant and it helps. I rarely take them. Maybe 5 over the last 4 months. I know they are addictive and don't want to go down that path. The same with sleeping pills. I only take one, 3 so far over 4 months when I have an early appointment and must wake up. Took one last night since I had to get up in the AM and 10 minutes after I took it, I felt stoned and had to hold on the furniture as I went to bed for fear of falling. Not good.

~ Tutte ~

The Drops of Unexpressed Tears Continue to Fall on My Face

Sadly they can't replace all those that I have suppressed for much too long and don't provide the relief I need. I don't understand my Blockage. WHY???

~ Tutte ~

Today is My Birthday

Once again as I have done for the last 15 years, I spend it alone. Not sure, one ever gets used to spending all holidays and milestones by oneself. I guess one must.

The last memorable birthday was my 50th. Arch was not ill, or if he was, neither of us were aware. As usual he treated me like the princess he thought I was. He cooked my favorite Prime Rib Roast Dinner served in the Dining Room with tablecloth, Waterford Crystal and Sterling Silverware. But the focal point was the magnificent bouquet of yellow rosebuds in the center of the table. Yellow rosebuds were synonymous with our first date and wedding flowers. In Arch's eyes, nothing was too good for me. The years I worked he had one long stemmed fresh rosebud delivered to my desk every Monday morning. How many husbands do that I wonder? I loved it and adored him for the gesture.

On a positive note, I had over 70 birthday greetings, a phone call from my step-daughter and a missed called from my son Ryan in Japan. We will reschedule. Can't wait to speak with him.

~ Tutte ~

Key

There are times when even as much as we visualize the key in releasing the bonds of captivity by whatever is suppressing us, they don't materialze regardless of our efforts, desire, trust and faith. I expect it will, when the time is ripe and we are ready to face the unknown without Fear. We Need to retain Trust and Faith and to Surrender to the knowledge that everything is Perfect at this time in our Spiritual Evolution. That is the true challenge isn't it?

~ Tutte ~

Gifts

There are times when the gifts we receive seem absolutely perfect. But sadly over time they dissappear into the Ether and all we are left with is our remembrances.

~ Tutte ~

Blessings Provided by Arch

Having married a man 20 years older, I received the greatest blessing of all. A Family. His children and I managed despite the circumtances to become very close. They had a right to resent me as he left them all to come to me. They recognized how great his love was for me and therefore had open hearts and welcome me into their lives. I am sure because they recognized mine for him as well. No couple was ever happier.

His oldest daughter is 2 years younger then myself which makes the entire relationships more exceptional. I am so blessed to have had them in my life for over 30 years and they continue to support me. Sadly, they live a great distance away and I haven't seen them in 6 years but they continue to write and phone. Apart from my sons, they are all I have left of Arch and I know they loved him as much as I do. He was and ever will be the bond we share. This photo was taken on Arch's 71st birthday and 3 months before he died.

He was an exeptional person on most levels. I have to be realistic, so he was not perfect and one of his flaws left me destitute. He was far too trusting, didn't have the killer instinct that is required to be a successful businessman. He was the guy with the innovative ideas, hired and trusted others to carry them forward and they never did. He raised over 5 Million on his own and started several public companies. They subsequently failed for varied reasons. That's a feather in his cap.

Everyone loved Arch who ever came in contact with him. Including those who took adantage and scammed him. He was so sweet and humourous. Could make anyone laugh and did. A wonderful speaker and host. He was a very unique individual and why I loved him so. I forgive his failures since I know his intentions were always to provide for his most beloved family. All of us. It just wasn't meant to be.

~ Tutte ~

Run Your Finger Through My Soul

Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand."

~Unknown~

Patience

The Greatest Prayer is Patience. ~ Buddha ~

The Overall Experience of my Life has been in learning Patience. I thought I passed the grade many years ago and yet realize today, I still have much to learn. Patience is the total 0pposite of Ego that has a need to plan, manipulate and control. Patience is a slow learning curve we have to endure in order to enable us to let go of those aspects of our being and move us into a more peaceful place. The greatest challenge of all. Who wants to relinquish control of anything? I am certainly learning that via all my physical, financial and emotional challenges over my lifetime. So I must view my process as a gift and be grateful.

~ Tutte ~

A Familiar Scent

I wish I had kept one of Arch's shirts that contained his scent to remind me of his physical presence. The aroma is ever present in my mind and it was sweet, yet very masculine.

Not sure why I have gone down this path for the last 2 days but it's just fine to relish those memories.

~ Tutte ~

In Your Arms I Felt Safe

Haven't felt that way ever since. We always went to sleep spooning in the nude.

Your presence in my life Arch, was as the Comforter I always desired. You recognized what I needed when we met and why you said you wanted to rescue me. I think you were thinking on a materialistic level and that was your intent but sadly it wasn't meant to be. YOU did however, on a much deeper level that has enriched my life and taught me so much about unconditional love and listening. I shall be forever grateful. I miss you Lovey. Always will.

We were known as Lovey and Booboo. Our terms of endearment for each other.

~ Tutte ~

Forever

It's Time

To curl up and seek relief for however long it lasts. I am so ready.

Oops, forgot the landscapers arrive very early with all their noisy machinery. I hate this place.

~ Tutte ~

Deformities

As little girls, maybe boys as well, we look into a mirror to see our perceived flaws. I expect most of us continue to do that our entire lives. How this little girl managed to overcome hers and still see the beauty within is a lesson we should all learn from.

We are all scarred whether externally or internally. The Internal are far more difficult to deal with because we can hide them behind the various masks we choose to wear to fool others and ourselves. Peace will never be found if we continue to deny the pain and truth. We must face it, however difficult. Why are we all so fearful of recognizing the perfection within ourselves versus reacting and responding to everything outside to prove it isn't so?

~ Tutte ~

My Mouth and Tongue

Have no idea what is going on these last 2 weeks. I am Severely plagued by my tongue and mouth problems. I am ready to cut out my tongue if that would provide relief. It feels like a cotton swab with astringent is constantly being applied and I feel a burning and dryness. It seems to get worse after I eat. I attempt to appease it with gum, ice cream, candies, anything to get my saliva flowing. The benefits are short lived. 30 minutes maximum. At the same time I get unbelievable cravings and butterflies in my stomach. I don't know how to relieve those. I so detest this level of suffering. It was much easier to deal with the pain and immobility of arthritis. This is unrelenting and a pill won't help. Only peace of mind will and I have no idea how to attain that since I constantly live with a heightened sense of stress and fear.

~ Tutte ~

Tossed About

I have been living in a bottle of confinememt by this small space that allows for no freedom of movement or activity, tossed about by PTSD, surgery and physical discomforts. I have to find a way to release the cork in order to escape. Have a small idea how I can make it happen and everything begins with a thought and intention.

~ Tutte ~

Shedding

It wasn't until I was in my early 30's and after the birth of my first son that I began shedding the indoctrinations of the Bible that I had been raised with and all the garments of fear that had clothed my thinking.

It was The most profound decision of my life and it took me years of reading and studying until I discovered and adopted another foundation for my belief system. It's still in transition but I am in a very peaceful place as a result. Today I acknowledge that I know NOTHING in the big scheme of things. I rely fully on my own experiences to tell what is right or wrong. It always does. I still have Faith as strange as it may sound but not in anything in a religious sense. I just believe in a Perfect Plan unfolding. As humans we can never enter the Mind of God and must accept that. It's in the attempts and via interpretations that violance is perpetrated around the globe reglardless of the name of the Holy Book. It sickens me to the core of my being.

It has become a very simplistic philosophy for me today. "Provide for your fellow man what he needs on any level as you would wish someone to meet yours."

~ Tutte ~

Hope

Hope is all we have in order to move beyond our experience and make a change. Without it, we Exist versus Living.

~ Tutte ~

Denture

I have mentioned this ongoing problem before but having an Upper Plate is driving me NUTS. It's having no the ability to enjoy food any longer. The crunch, the texture and the freshness. For a gourmet cook who spent a great deal of time studying, tasting and creating this is totally devastating.

My tongue issues are far greather than the denture but I can't fully explain it. Yet!

It becomes overly agitated when I eat anything. I spend hours afterwards waiting for the discomfort to dissipate. It seems my tongue reacts negativily to everything that crosses it's surface. God, what Stress produces in the body and it's reaction is mind blowing to me.

~ Tutte ~

Breaking Free

This is my focus today as I continue to visualize a new life. How it will materialize, I have no idea but I am so grateful that the impetus is now present. It has been absent for the last 10 years. Something is shifting and it brings me a newfound sense of Hope.

~ Tutte ~

The Dove of Peace

Althought I have suffered greatly not only by circumstances but more so by disappointments via people, rather than holding on to resentment and bitterness, it is my constant intent to continue to send a Dove of Forgiveness their way. Not for them primarily, but because it releases me from the prison of my own hatred. The Dove returns over and over again as I continue to practice this approach. I am so grateful and why I now understand those who can forgive the murderers of their loved ones. They are few and far between but teach a valuable lesson. We Forgive others in order to Forgive ourselves.

~ Tutte ~

Once Upon a Time

All Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon a Time and as little girls, we want to become the Princess or the Swan that always floats on the surface of a calm lake.

However, that isn't reality and sooner or later, we will discover that even the calm water on a lake can become turbulent depending on the winds of change. Some will take flight with the first gust, others like myself will attempt to ride out the storm. Some will eventually succumb as their wings loose strength. My hope is that I can retain whatever strength I have left. Should the winds never subside, and my strength finally becomes depleted, I too will give up the struggle.

~ Tutte ~