Since last weekend's unexpected and venomous letters, I have been in a whirlpool of emotions. Resulting in a major PTSD attack. The previous one occurred 7 months ago when I received 2 similar letters also unprovoked and unjustified from the same person. I felt I was making some headway towards peace, trying to keep the demon away by having removed myself. What always surprises me is how it affects my body. My stomach aside from the knots and constant butterflies has become quite violent in it's reaction. That is easier to deal with then what occurs in my mouth. The dryness in my mouth and tongue was caused by my first major PTSD attack and once again it has returned with full force. It's so distressing and hard to describe to anyone. It's a constant, unrelenting irritation that nothing will sooth and drives me to distraction. It's very difficult to focus on anything else.
I have been wounded to the core knowing that I am so hated and without understanding what I have done to cause it. Thank God I don't let it affect how I feel about myself. I know who I am and will never allow it to impact me to the extent that I will accept it personally but the self-hatred of another projected onto to me. Regardless, it REALLY HURTS. Since I live in isolation, I have no one to debrief with and that makes it very difficult. So my thoughts for the moment are on a treadmill trying to come up with explanations. This is when I am so grateful I have read extensively on psychology, etc, so that I recognize that I am dealing with a person who has a Personality Disorder. I think I know what it is but won't give it a label. However it does help me realize that I am dealing with a unique personality and as anyone with a disease it makes it easier to forgive. It just takes time to put it into the background once again and practice forgiveness. I have been going through this exercise my entire life and it's become very wearisome.
I will inlude a picture of my nemesis without naming that person. I am the little one in the middle. My oldest sister died at 27. Who is left?
Suffice to say that she has and still does have the ability to put on the best mask for the public. It is only those of us in her family who have seen both sides of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I could needless to say, write chapters on my experiences with her and someday maybe I will but not in this venue. Just had such a need to vent tonight. Perhaps this is the replacement for all the tears I suppressed this week. I don't know why I can't cry. Have stuffed them for too long I expect.
~ Tutte ~
