Rampant thoughts of suicide have pervaded my thinking all day. Yet, I know it is not an option however tempting. There is still much for me to learn through my own despair and suffering.
Having been denied so many of the pleasure I took for granted most of my life, including the joy of food, I attempted tonight to see what gifts might be present that I have not been consciously aware of.
The is the 5th Anniversary of Katrina and I have watched some TV depicting the total devastation. The realization of what happened then and how it affected a multitude of people and how they had to cope with so many losses brought home the gift to me. I empathize on a much deeper level today then I did as it was occurring.
This week we have a catastrophy of major proportions in Pakistan affecting 20 million people and at least a 5th of the country under water and yet the Global Community doesn't seem to reach out in a way that is needed. I ask myself why? Is it due to Politics, War or the depleted Economy? Are people becoming over burdened with their charitable donations? This event is far worse than the Tsunami, the Haiti earthquake, Katrina, the Gulf Oil Spill combined and yet little help seems available. Why is no one having Fundraising Concerts etc.? The news seems to have been very slow in bringing the severity of this disaster to our full attention. I am stymied and confused. Hopefully an answer will be forthcoming. I know tonight as I watch a report on CNN by Dr. Sanjay Gupta, my heart bleeds. My perceived suffering is nothing in comparison. I feel a sense of shame and self-indulgence as I view the film clips of what is happening there.
I do believe my life's purpose is to learn Empathy and Compassion and it can only be done through personal experiences.
I am and always have been grateful that I have the ability to see the gift in anything negative. Usually in retrospect. The Universe has blessed me in that sense. It doesn't remove the pain from my own experience but it softens it somewhat knowing there is a purpose behind it. I will attempt to remember the next time suicide crosses my mind.
~ Tutte ~
