Wishing

A New Day dawning and I wish this was an experience I could look forward to.

~ Tutte ~

IF ONLY

If Only I could cut out my heart so it wouldn't hurt so much.

~ Tutte ~

Balance is the Key to A Healthy Life

Easier for some than others. When the weight of our burdens become too heavy, it is impossible to maintain any form of balance.

~ Tutte ~

Falling Asleep

I constantly yearn for comfort. It's become difficult to go to sleep because I want to delay having to face the same old nightmare of my non-existence tomorrow and why perhaps, I postpone it as long as possible. There is nothing of purpose to wake up to. So much easier to sleep through the day and stay up all night with the peace and darkness when the outside world (in which I don't participate) has come to a halt. It's become my only escape.

~ Tutte ~

Path to Enlightenment

One Step at a Time and rarely on Calm Water.

~ Tutter

Reverse Genesis - Uncreation

In the beginning was the earth.
And it was beautiful.
And man live upon the earth.
And man said: “Let us build skyscrapers and express ways.”
And man said: It is good.”

On the second day,man look up on the clear blue waters on the earth.
And man said: “Let us dump our sewage and waste into the waters.”
And man did.
The waters became dark and murky.
And man said: “It is good.”

On the third day,
Man gazed at the forest of the earth
And they were tall and green.
And man said: “Let us cut the trees and build things for ourselves.”
And man did. And the forest grew thin.
And man said: “It is good.”

On the fourth day,
Man saw animals leaping in the fields
And praying in the sun. And man said:
“Let us trap the animals for money
And shoot them for sport.”
And man did. And the animals became scarce.
And man said: “It is good.”

On the fifth day,
Man felt the cool breeze in his nostrils.
And man said: ” Let us born our refuse and let the wind blow away the smoke and debris.”
And man did. And the air became dense with smoke and carbon.
And man said: “It is good.”

On the sixth day,
Man saw many kind of people on earth
And man feared and said: “Let us make bombs and missile sites in case misunderstanding arise.”
And man did. And missile sites and bomb dumps Checkered the landscape.
And man said: “It is good."

On the seventh day, man rested.
And the earth was quite and deathly still.
For man was no more.
And it was good!

Interrupted Thoughts

I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I don't know how to live in the real world anymore. It's been 10 years of isolation and little conversation so how could anything ever be the same? I am no longer familiar with having long verbal exchanges and that comes to the forefront when I realized how often my train of thought is interrupted by having words put in my mouth or an unexpected comment or question. I am sure I am guilty of doing that myself. It's part of the conversational process isn't it? When we use the PC for our primary means of communication, it allows us to complete a thought process from start to finish. I recognize how difficult it is for all of us to brown bag (a Hospice term for removing our own agenda) and our need to inject and interrupt. To really LISTEN. How easy it is to misunderstand or misinterpret information based on a snippet of a thought. I learn so much from my brief conversational encounters. Primarily directed towards myself first since I feel like I occasionally dominate a conversation. Perhaps I don't but I am so unfamiliar with speaking now that it seems that way.

Self Respect

I Truly Love and Respect Myself being fully aware of all my shortcomings and weakness and forgive myself as I continue to work on improving them. I recognize the Strength, Courage, Perseverence and Determination that resides within me along with my ability to extend Love, Compassion and Empathy. And there is still a glimmer of Hope and Optimism. I have definitely not achieved perfection but I am progressing along the path of Personal Growth. Without my hardships, I wouldn't have achieved what I now possess and what has become a part of my character. I still have a long way to go. It's a difficult journey but it was never promised to be easy. Goes back to the old saying of what path we choose to take. I know which one I chose in my youth without realizing how difficult and painful it would be. But, I have no regrets. It's not about my physical life, never has been but rather my Spiritual life. What I learn in this dimension will serve me well in the next.

Where My Soul Resides - In The Natural World

Weekend Mornings

Another weekend is approaching and I find those 2 days the most difficult. The memories of Arch and I waking up with a few days off work to enjoy each other. I also relate them to Family Time going way back to my youth. I spent every weekend with my parents until I got married and after that would visit them as well. Then when my boys came along, it was Our family time and my parents would be invited to join us. And they did.

The Weekend is a time for Togetherness. I can't express how much I miss those times now that I have no family around me.

~ Tutte ~

Melancholy

It's a cruel cruel world,
to face on your own,
A heavy cross, to carry along,
The lights are on, but everyone's gone,
And it's cruel.

I Exist amongst the Dead Branches

I once enjoyed living within the branches of a healthy family tree, whose roots were grounded in a solid foundation of love and nourishment. It is now dead! And my leaves are turning brown and withering. A bare skeleton left before it falls to the ground.

~ Tutte ~

What Is It That I Love?

If asked why I love her I would say
It's the sway in her hips,
the thickness in her thighs.
It's the lust in her lips,
the love in her eyes.
It's the softness of her skin,
the silk in her hair.
It's the twist in her walk;
it's the sweetness in her talk.
It's the way she loves me
that makes me love her each day.
That is what I would say.

- Justin Hutchins ~

These words could have been written by Arch. He told me every day, (no kidding), that apart from loving me as much as he did, he LOVED LOVING ME. What woman wouldn't love to hear those words? If only I could hear them one more time.

~ Tutte ~

Morning has Broken

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day

I used to feel this way and hope someday, I will again.
~ Tutte ~

The Life I had Envisioned

This is how I dreamt I would spend my old age, pursuing and perfecting my hobbies. Whether drawing, painting, gardening and photography. None of the avenues to do this are currently available due to space and light. Another reason for a creative/artistic person to become so utterly frustrated on a daily basis. How many more years can I spend sitting in my PC chair and in front of my Monitor? 16 hours a day for 6 years is long enough. The PC has become my Lifeline and without it, I would be totally deprived of any outlet of expression and communication. My website and subscriber list is all that is left that gives me a daily purpose.
I must produce on a daily basis and despite the amount of time I spend in producing a quote, I love the exercise.

Without My PC, I would definitely go over the edge. I try not to worry about what will happen if my PC has to be replaced. Having no options in terms of finances SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What then???

~ Tutte ~

IN THE PAST

In the past, my Ego adorned me with the Wings of misperceptions, judgements and self-righteousness and a Mask behind which I could justify my thoughts. The gift of my suffering is that my Wings have become skeletons and the Mask has been removed. In their place, I have been given the gift of understanding, compassion and empathy.
Still just scratching the surface but it's a good beginning.

~ Tutte ~

Killing an Hour

Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share.

~ Mark Z. Danielewski (House of Leaves) ~

Soulmate

Through life you will meet one person who is unlike any other, you could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things and they won't judge you...this person is your soulmate, your best friend....
Don't ever let them go. ~ Author Unknown

How profoundly blessed I have been to have met mine. We spent more hours together than any other couple I believe. Arch worked from home (I was a homemaker for 13 years to raise my sons)for many years so we were together 24/7 and never ran out of things to talk or laugh about. We spent many hours singing and dancing in the evenings and had so much fun. Those were precious years despite the financial problems we had to endure. I expect most couples would have divorced over the stress of what we had to face but our love and support for each other continued to grow. We were tied together on every level. With his death, I truly lost half of me. The part of my personality that was so tied into his. We were two halves of a Whole. He told me he was content to die before me as he could never have lived without me. I knew he was right as his love for me was greater than mine for him. From the time we met he never wanted to be apart from me unless he had to. We shared many conversations around this before he died. We would get up in the middle of the night when neither of us could sleep and sit across the kitchen table and bare our souls. There were no words left unspoken when he died. For that I am truly grateful. I don't carry the burden of I Wish I Had.

~ Tutte ~

An Unkind Word

An unkind thought
a careless word
can cause so much pain.

Catch the thought.
Hold the Word.

Loneliness is a Dark Tunnel

Things Change

There is No Longer an Outside World for Me

Bleeding Heart

Will it Ever Stop??????

~ Tutte ~

My Constant Shadow

I have crept into your dreams, become a fragment of your life. I'm still lurking behind you, hiding in the darkness of the wall. Long since I have become a shadow just clinging to you. I dissemble, yet knowing that I cannot decieve you. I'm always near and that only irritates you. I must go, but I can't force my heart to do so.

~ Myki, my beloved companion of the last 8 years who continues to live in my closet and My heart. Tutte ~

Lilacs

I grew up with different varieties of Lilacs in my grandfather's garden and loved their colors and scents. I discovered Lilacs were Arch's favorite flower. Who would have guessed? Coincidentally at the time of his Memorial Service they were in full bloom and a dear friend of mine brought countless bouquets from her garden without any awareness of the connection. I had Lilac trees in every garden we ever had and always cut a huge bouquet to place on his beside table for him to enjoy and HE DID!

His children planted a Lilac tree next to his grave. Have no idea how it is doing today. I guess I have forgotten to ask since it is in another Province and I never have the opportunity to visit. Will have to ask.

~ Tutte ~

The Seductive Nature of Smoking

Anger Management

I do this by expressing my anger, hurt and frustration in a letter that I send to myself. It helps me relieve all my negative emotions. I NEVER forward that letter to the initiator. It would solve nothing except bring up a defensive retaliation. I never do and never have. Often at my own expense.I would far rather carry the hurt and attempt to forgive and understand the motivation/intention of the person who angered me. I recognized in my youth, it is never about me but a fear within the perpetrator. If you react without a thought of the consequences to the recipient, it's abusive. Any form of abuse is intolerable to me. When I reach my limit with someone who won't take responsibility or accountability I just remove myself. Some tigers aren't capable of changing their spots even though they know their camouflage would be more beneficial if they were stripes.

~ Tutte ~

Knees

As a child I suffered from pain in my knees. I was told it was growing pains. It never stopped me from doing all the sports and dancing I enjoyed but by my early 20's it became a concern. The first time I saw a doctor was in Denmark and was told I had a mouse in my knee. Had no idea what he was talking about but he suggested that surgery was not an option. In my late 20's I began to have some major pain and inflammations and always blamed it on my activities. Mid 30's, I couldn't get up if I knelt down. By my 40's more major inflamations, doctor visits, fluid injections and they continued. Once again, I ignored the underlying cause since it didn't seem to be taken seriously when I sought help from physicians. In my early 50's I had to seek some major medical intervention. The pain had become unbearingly painful. I was given a diagnosis but told I was too young to have a knee replacement. To hold on as long as I could. 3 years later and almost crippled and walking with a cane, the end result was two partial knee replacement surgeries within 3 months. Recovery was very painful and I was left disabled and unable to return to work. Not because of the knees primarily but because in the process of the surgery, my hip was displaced which subsequently ended up with a hip replacement last year. Perhaps if I had been giving better advice earlier on and knew what the underlying problem was, 'Osteo Arthritis' I might have taken more precausions. But not even sure about that since I suspect I would have continued to do what I wanted to and enjoyed. I am stubborn and determined when I want to do something I love. No doubt all my gardening activities affected them greatly. I spent countless hours stomping on a shovel trying to cut turf or till the soil. Lots of stories around all this needless to say. The good news is today, I can walk with comfort but still need to sleep with a pillow between my knees otherwise the nerves end up burning upon contact with another hard surface. The other knee. Small price to pay for the ability to walk after 12 years of extreme pain. However over the years of immobility, my muscles in my legs have diminished profoundly and I still find it difficult to walk. It seems something is awry. Not sure what it is. It feels like my right leg subsequent to hip surgery is a wee bit shorter so my gate is not the same. My mind still has to adjust. Everything is so interconnected.

~ Tutte ~

JUST HANGING ON BY MY BOOTS

Isolated behind the Walls of My Own Creation

It's difficult for me to explain to anyone why I have had a need to Isolate myself and become a recluse.

Imagine if you were a War Veteran suffering from PTSD and all you were exposed to when you ventured out, were people who own a gun, take for granted the ability to shoot, who love hunting and all there is in your neighbourhood is one shooting range after another. Each exposure inflames the disease you suffer from which those who haven't been fired upon AND feared for their life, can ever understand.

I don't mean to be disrespecful to War Vets or compare my own experience to theirs but I do believe that our response is similar. The difference between their experience and mine is that once they come home, the immediate stress is over. In my case, it is ongoing and has been for 30 years without any respite. Versus the firing range, mine is my neigbourhood of lovely homes and gardens. What I once so loved. When I drive around I see countless homes I have lived in and bring back so many treasured memories.

My friends live in similar homes and take their lives for granted and so they should when that is their life experience. They partake of all things I wish for, travelling, entertainment, eating out etc. etc. as I did in the now distant past and can never envision doing again. For the first time in my life, I have become envious. Not jealous. Just envious. I want all of them to have wonderful lives which they have earned and deserve but envious because I wish I still had the availability to experience the similar lifestyle I had in the past before SHIT hit the fan. Today, I am covered in excrement and have no idea how to clean myself. I just want what they have and that I had in the past. Is that wrong? Do I need to feel guilty about being Envious? I think not. I don't. But hate the feeling. It has never been part of my personality. Am just grieving for the life I once had and never will again.

~ Tutte ~

MASKS

We all wear them. I did for the first 50 years of my life. Discarding it has brought me great freedom. I think it is part of the aging process and life experiences. Why do we wear them, for Whom and for What purpose? I believe, to hide our vulnerabilities. We have a need to 'Keep Face' in order to feel comfortable in our comparisons to others. It's so sad since everyone is wearing a mask for the same reason. It's all an Illusion.

~ Tutte ~

Angels Hands are Supporting Me

WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR

It's become so difficult to look in the mirror without having my upper teeth. I have aged about 20 years and there is an apparition looking back at me that I can't identify with. I look like my mother in her 90's. It's enough that I have lost most of my hair and have lizard skin due the disease Annuloma Granulera that emerged 15 years ago with my first PTSD episode. I so desperately want a different image reflecting back at me. The last 15 years have been a fast forward movie of the aging process. It's a nightmare that I am constantly reminded of and much, much too soon. What I see, frightens me. It's like a preview into the morgue.

~ Tutte ~

THE ODD ONE

I have been told my entire life by my older sister that I am Weird. I suspect she is right. I happen to interpret that intended negative statement in a positive way. I much prefer the words Unique and Individualistic. I REALLY LOVE WHO I AM. It's my Heart and Soul that matter and all the characteristics contained within.

I have taken countless personality tests over the years and they all come up with a similar profile. INPF. (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Perceptive), which concludes I am 4.4% of the population. Here is another test result.

"Harmony-seeking Idealist"

Quietly forceful, original and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people and concerned for their feelings. Well-developed value systems which they strictly adhere to. Well-respected for their perseverance in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following.

I took this type of test when I was in grade nine and the results were the same. Sadly, the career options that were suited to my personality type didn't fit in with having to go to work and support myself at age 15. As a result, I have spent my life working in areas that were so opposite to my interest and yet, I managed to become sonewhat successful. Could I turn the clock back and choose a preferred profession based on what I know today, it would be a 180.

That affirms my Uniquenes I guess. I suppose that is a small comfort on some level but not when other's don't recognize or acknowledge the difference and most often feel threatened by it.

~ Tutte ~

There are Days I Wish I still had My Mother to Hold on to for Support

I Once had Gardens Full of Happiness

The Last Time I Felt Really Alive

I have only had a few hours of feeling Totally Alive and in a familiar pattern in the last 7 years.

It occurred when my youngest son Ryan (picture above) came for a brief visit 14 months ago from Japan where he has been living for a many years.

I woke up with a joyful purpose of having to pick him up and spend a few hours with him. This would have seemed so minimal in my previous life when I might have considered this an annoyance or distraction. However on that day, it was my only focus and I was 'In the Moment'. The anticipation of seeing him again after a long time was almost too hard to bear but I can remember every curve in the road as I drove for 40 minutes. He was staying with a friend since I don't have the space here. That is difficult for me to acknowledge. I had lived in large homes with many bedrooms prior to this 'box'. Hate this!

There was an instant of surprise and and a 'time stood still' moment as we looked at each other and absorbed the new visual impressions. We had both changed and become older. The Smile and Huge Hug dispelled any discomfort of time and distance and instantly returned to the familiar relationship between a mother and a son. I absolutely loved it. I had so many questions and he was very forthcoming with his news. Sadly it was far too brief. I only got to spend 8 hours with him over 2 weeks. All justified. That is the last memory I have of a life now left again in the fog of despair. I so desperately need to have a purpose and function to awaken to involving family.

~ Tutte ~

Ying and Yang

Arch and I were opposite in many ways but the differences complimented each other. Over the years without any need to control or change each other we became more and more alike.

~ Tutte ~

Bliss

Three things have provided me with the experience of Bliss in my Life.
My Beloved Arch, my baby boys and my gardens.
I expect I am one of the most blessed since I think it is rare for most people to experience more than one.

~ Tutte ~

Out On The Town

The first few years that Arch and I were courting, every night was spent out On the Town. It was a magical two years of getting to know each other over wonderful dinners, wine and dancing. We laughed all the time. Have countless stories I could tell around this period of my life. I wish I could relive some of them.

~ Tutte ~

Strawberries and the Thief

I just discovered this image and it brought back a flood of memories of which I am not too proud. I was once a Thief. There was a summer garden on our street in Denmark where stawberries grew. One day I snuck in and helped myself to those luscious fruits until my gut was aching.

Some weeks later, the family went for a drive on a Sunday afternoon and passed by a huge building in the distance. I asked what it was. My Dad said it was a prison for people who steal. With a sense of guilt, I asked if that included anyone who stole strawberries and there was a long pause. He said yes, anyone who steals something that doesn't belong to them and left it at that without questioning me further. What a relief. Needless to say, I never stole again. What a wake up call for a little girl who must have been around 4 or 5.

I love this memory and can visitualize both occurences perfectly. I guess I must have an acute Memory since I can recall so many details.

~ Tutte ~

The Joy of Childhood

My Memories of my Childhood are primarily very joyful despite having two older sisters who were relentless in the negative actions towards me and a Father who was a strict disciplinarian. Today it would be termed abusive. They all were, except for my beloved grandfather and my somewhat distant mother. I spent much of my time alone, drawing and painting - artistic pursuits. I knew even then, I was different but made the most of it and why I still have such wonderful memories. Even back then I relied heavily on my dreams for an escape. I can still recall so many of them vividly. It's quite amazing to me.

~ Tutte ~

Existing on the Grave of My Memories

They are all that is left to sustain me. Thank God, I have a huge memory bank filled with loving, joyful and adventurous times. I make daily withdrawals needless to say.

~ Tutte ~

HELLO

"Hello I'm Lost...
just follow me
you will see"

The Disconnect between Mind And Body - PTSD

Refuge

I have enjoyed and been nourished all my life by living in a place where I found refuge. Since I moved in here, that is no longer my experience. It's is quite the Opposite and what contributes to my stress on a daily basis. I so desperately need a Cosy Nest.

~ Tutte ~

Spiritual Path

I have spent most of my life on a Spiritual Path searching for answers to the Universal questions we all have. Occasionally I would discover some Philosophy that resonated and would provide me with a temporary sense of comfort. Today, with all the continuing challenges I have, regardless of my attempts to change my attitude and intentions without any change to the external, I have finally come to a Peaceful place. I acknowledge today that I KNOW NOTHING. There are no answers, just band-aids to cover our wounds. What I have found most beneficial is the shift in my thinking around Forgiveness. What remains is a complete form of Acceptance. I have a long way to go.

I am very much at Peace on a Spiritual Level and have no need to explore further. I have a profound Trust in Universal Intellingence (God) and that there is an Order far beyond our comprehension. To attempt to figure that out, is in my opinion, the arrogance of the Ego. I certainly suffered from that affliction until recently.

~ Tutte ~

The Rose

I am the dying Rose that could be revived if the right nourishment was provided. I'm withering on a daily basis.

The Rose - Bette Midler Lyrics

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you, its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose

~ Tutte ~

What Little Foundation I have, is Very Fragile

Would So Love Arch's Hand Reaching Out to Me