Hourglass

The Aspect of Time is no longer of any consequence at the moment. The minutes spill into hours and then into days without any delineation except for the sky. Sometimes when the blinds are closed I have no idea whatsoever. I can wake up at 5 and think it is in the AM only to discover it is PM. I am totally discombobulated. As human beings, we survive best by having habits and routines. I am totally lacking. Is it any wonder I am so F...ked Up?

~ Tutte ~

Insomnia

Another 4 days of Insomnia. Can't remember if, when or for how long I have slept. It's totally debilitating. I'm living in a Fog. What has caused this, I have no idea but hope I can make a shift soon.

~ Tutte ~

Pearls

I have always had a love for Pearls. My Favorite Jewel. Bought myself an 18" graduated strand for my 21st birthday. My first ring contained a Pearl and Arch gave me a double strand as a wedding present. I own many. Love them all.

I remember once when at a Hospice Retreat we were asked to do a visualization about our lives. What I received during my meditation was that our lives our similar to that of a Pearl. It begins it's evolution as an irritant to the Oyster and over time the Oyster in order to protect itself, builds up increasing layers of Nacre that eventually gives the Pearl it's lustre. I could relate and believe that life's experiences lay down layers of Nacre on each of us until some day we will all become lustrous beings. Just as with the Oyster, it's a long and irritating process.


Few are perfect or uniform in color and shape but each is unique and beautiful.

~ Tutte ~

Empty Shell

I have become the empty shell being tossed about by the currents on the storming sea of life. I wonder if I will ever reconnect with the safety of the shell that once protected me?

~ Tutte ~

It's the Weekend and I Long for Love

Happy Environment

I could be perfectly content in an environment like this that would satisfy most of my senses. A little classical music in the background and a brunch with my beloved would complete the image. We used to do that on the weekends over the summer in my gardens. Such Joy!

~ Tutte ~

Walking Complimentary Paths

Arch and I did in terms of our interpretation and expression of what it means to truly love another unconditionally. Why we were so happy despite all the external forces that would pull most couples apart.

~ Tutte ~

Balance in All Aspects of Life

Is Paramount to having a fulfilling life. Mine is greatly lacking. The summer of 1994, I believe I experienced it for the first and only time.

~ Tutte ~

True Love

Will bind us together forever throughout Eternity. I don't expect it will be in the same form but rather in having shared a most profound experience.

~ Tutte ~

Hiding Behind a Mask

A follow-up to the post below, I must add that in order to fit into and feel acceptable I applied many masks, especially in my youth. I did that via having jewels, clothes, beautiful furniture, crystal glasses, sterling silverware and a furcoat. All before I was 30 on a meager income.

I didn't realize at the time, it was a form of mask to hide behind and how it would impact others. Rather than making me seem more acceptable or friendly, I was viewed as arrogant, intimidating and distant regardless of my efforts to befriend others with my humorous personality. I never bragged nor told anyone of what my home or possessions were. I guess how I dressed said it all! I still can't believe I was able to attain all I did materially on such a small income. I expect working 2 jobs for 6 years and being very frugal was the key. I was not into instant gratification. I had a dream, a vision and a goal. Having a beautiful and comfortable home was primary and why today, not having that for the first time in my life is so devastating.

In retrospect, I guess all my efforts and sacrifices in order to achieve my goals, gave me a sense of self-esteem that was not experienced by others I came in contact with. Few people in their youth really have goals and dreams. I expect they looked at me and wished they had.

Dramatic changes have occured over the years. I no longer have any masks to wear. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know what it could possible be. I am so removed from any investment in the material world or possessions or trying to impress anyone. I am finally free and don't care what anyone thinks. I have finally discovered my True Self with all my Weirdness and shortcomings. Have to admit that there are parts of me that I am not too happy with since they don't seem to serve me well, even in my isolation but I expect that is an aspect of PTSD and depression. I am working on improving those.

However having a cosy home is still my priority. We all need a nest that seems secure and safe. Even in my youth when I lived in Bachelor apartments, they all left me with a feeling of cosiness that I have never experienced here. I crave that more than I can ever express. It was the focus of my entire life. Regardless of what was happening externally, I always knew I had a place in which to find comfort. I havenn't experienced that for the last 6 years. Still unsure if I will ever achieve that again and why my profound sense of hopelessness.

~ Tutte ~

Different

I have been told all my life I am Different or Weird. Today I am aware that I am and it's perfectly okay and no longer view it as a judgment. Just a misperception. I'm just different.

I am still discovering all the aspects of me that are 'unique' and there are plenty I don't understand yet. How then could others?
I have always had questions around why I react or respond differently to everyone I have encountered and why I have never felt I really belong. I expect I never will. The World has never been a fit. The only person who had some glimmer of understanding was my beloved Arch and why I loved him. I KNOW he was 'unique' in his own right. We found the perfect match in each other and why our Unconditional Love.

~ Tutte ~

Celebration

My Greatest hope is that someday soon, I will be able to rejoin my sisterhood of friends and celebrate all the experience of our lives and the ones we have shared. I have been unable to for so long.

~ Tutte ~

The Unknown Future

I expect as we become older, that is the question on everyone's mind.
Since there is no answer or assurance, we must live our lives Honestly with Integrity, Love, Empathy and Compassion. That is the foundation for Loving Oneself. And Others.

~ Tutte ~

Claws

These past years have provided me with the opportunity to see the darker side of myself. Prior to, I was so arrogant to think I didn't have one. Well, I sure discovered I Do and learnt and grew a great deal in the process. My discovery was primarily focused on the fact that when I was at my lowest, I would project that onto others with my judgements and criticisms. I kept them to myself but they plagued me until I came to the realization that whatever I was a feeling was my projection and need to dimish others in order to justify my pain. That was a time of profound Enlightenment. Of course, I still do from time to time but have made huge strides forward. Today they are an 8th of what they once were.

~ Tutte ~

A Fish Story

As a follow up to the story below, I continued to fish when I had the opportunity.

I remember vividly one evening around sunset when I got into a rowboat and anchored in the little bay adjacent to our home. The frogs were croaking on the lakehore, the lake filled with lily pads and dragonflies as the sun was setting behind the steeple of a church on a distant shore. It was a magical night as I sank my line into the water. I didn't have much expectation but just loved being in the overall serenity of that environment. Lo and behold, I got a bite that tugged on my pole. I knew immediately that there was something bigger than what I was accustomed to with the small perch, sun bass and catfish. I reeled it close to the side of the rowboat and realized it was a very large fish. My immediate concern became, how would I ever manage to get it off the hook since that was the most difficult aspect of fishing for me. As I continued to reel it in and upwards, it unexpectedly ejected itself off the hook and into the bottom of the boat and relieved me from having to face my fear. It remained flopping around in the boat while I returned home to get my Dad who had to kill it. In retrospect, it was an evening filled with many emotions. The joy I felt while on the lake in such a peaceful environment and the conclusion that resulted in the death of an innocent animal. I couldn't bear to watch. That was the last time I ever went fishing. Perhaps the size was a factor and made it more realistic and was so incongruent to the serenity I had experienced earlier. The only happy ending is that my cat had food for several days.

No doubt, I would have a different attitude, if my hunger and survival was a factor.

~ Tutte ~

7 Fish with One Worm

I was reminded on my outing yesterday by a memory that I have held onto all my life. Bob, loves to fish so we shared some stories.
It was the second summer after we arrived in Canada and as we lived adjacent to the Lake of Two Mountains west of Montreal, I discovered the joy of fishing. I loved the solitude and the patience it required to wait for the Bobbin to tug at my string. My pole was a long branch cut from a tree to which I attached a short string, a bobbin, a weight and a hook. I would dig in the dirt around the lake and find worms. I usually caught a fish, inedible because the lake was polluted but was always proud of my effort. A Gift to my cat however. I didn't mind so much putting the worm on the hook but removing the fish from the hook if it was too deeply imbedded was a problem. However my best day was when I caught 7 fish with one worm. Of course the worm became shorter and shorter. What a day that was!

~ Tutte ~

Discarding the Past

After such a lovely day, it is my profound desire to discard the mask of grief and stress....but how to do that without options is the question? I don't have a clue but I will continue to visualize a better life.

~ Tutte ~

Just Living

Just living is not enough, said the butterfly
One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower

~Hans Christian Anderson~

Fading Ego

I expect that for most of us, the current Economic hardships, lack of employment etc. and especially aging provide us with the tools to diminish the negative aspect of the Ego's hold over us.

In my youth, I wanted everything to be of the highest quality, not in terms of labels or quantity, but because that was my taste in everything. Less was more but it had to be the Best. No doubt my underlying need to fulfill a mask I had perceived as necessary to fulfill myself. Somewhere in the mix, my aesthetic appreciation played a roll and I was always drawn to the best and most expensive as a result. I don't feel any need to apologize for that. It is just part of who I am. A Major part of my Acute Sensory Experience.

With all that has happened to me and now as I have entered into a period of life where appearance, health, home, friends, all the accruements that made life an enjoyable experience are diminishing, the ego fades as well. I am finally forced to relinquish the masks and accept myself for who I REALLY am. I like parts of me so much better.

The challenge then becomes, as we reflect upon our lives, how illusionary or genuine we really were. The answer to that will either bring up peace or sorrow. It would behoove everyone to think about this as they walk on their journey through life but I expect most never do in terms of long term consequences. I am so grateful I have.

A Brief Glimpse at the End of the Tunnel

It's so rare that I can actually state that I had a wonderful day and
I DID TODAY!
My best girlfriend and her sweet hubby took me out for lunch in a quaint village and a drive in the countryside. It provided me once again with a view that I always hold dear of what I envision my life could be but has seemed illusive and impossible for too many years and reasons.
IT JUST FELT SO NORMAL!
One of many afternoons I have enjoyed countless times throughout my life prior to the last 15.

Without the means and options, I have no idea how to return to 'my normal'.

A Normal Life, is my greatest desire.

~ Tutte ~