If Only Arch were still here to Play My Strings

What is Better than a Hug from a Beloved

I sure could use one of those.

~ Tutte ~

I Constantly Wonder What the Future Has in Store?

The Uninterrupted flow of STRESS

Gazing

I shall forever gaze into the future wondering if I will ever find a release.

~ Tutte ~

Expelling Wishes

What Are They???

Screws in my Upper Jaw and a new Dental Plate
A Cozy Space in which to Nest with a little Patio to have some plants to nurture and enjoy
More Space and Light
A Couch and a Comfy Chair with a Decent Reading Lamp
Enough Income to meet my Basic Needs and an Emergency Fund
A little left over to enjoy some entertainment occasionally

I need a little Security since I have lived in Survival Mode for almost 30 years and it is very stress inducing.

The stress of living in that mode has caused my PTSD and Depression and won't ever dissipate without having a sense of Security and some Control.

~ Tutte ~

I Learnt Not to Fear Infinity

I learned not to fear infinity,
The far field, the windy cliffs of forever,
The dying of time in the white light of tomorrow,
The wheel turning away from itself,
The sprawl of the wave,
The on-coming water.

- Roethke, The Far Field ~

The One Person Missing from the List below

My Oldest Sister Lis. I didn't include her because I never got to know her well enough to know how much she loved me. Nor how much I loved her. I admired her enormously as she was extremely intelligent with a personality to match. As can be seen in her eyes. There was an 8 year difference between us. She didn't immigrate with us as she was in College. After Graduation with a Degree in Physiotherapy she married one of her patients and moved to Finland at age 21. She had two daughters and I saw her once in 1960 when she came for a brief visit. Tragically and unexpectedly, she died of Acute Leukemia at the age of 27 in 1963.

The Only People who have Loved Me Unconditionally - Now All Gone

My Best Buddy of 40 years - Allan. I met him when I returned to Denmark in my early 20's and our relationship grew over the 2 years I lived there. After that we remained connected and visited back and forth for 38 years. That's a real true friendship. He grew his wings at the age of 60 unexpectedly in 2008. I MISS HIS WEEKLY PHONE CALLS FROM DENMARK.



My Precious Sweet Mother - Lilly, who was my Role Model in terms of Patience, Courage, Endurance, Perseverence, Empathy and Compassion. She was my best friend for 63 years and I Adored and Loved her unconditionally. She had a very difficult life with enormous challenges to overcome and bore them all with grace and dignity. She died from old age at 98 in 2007. I STILL MISS HER. STILL HAVE A DESIRE TO DRIVE OVER FOR A VISIT IN THE GARDEN FOR A CUP OF COFFEE. SHE LIVED WITH ME FOR 6 YEARS.


My Beloved husband Arch of 20 years, who gave me the freedom to grow and discover myself without any limitations. In his eyes I could do no wrong. He also gave me my two beautiful sons, Shaun and Ryan along with 3 wonderful, supportive step-children, Leslie, Susan and David. I could write a multitude of paragraphs about his love for me and mine for him. He was truly God's Gift to me. He unexpectely died at home after a brief 4 month battle with stomach cancer in 1995. I SHALL FOREVER MISS THE MOST PRECIOUS, LOVING, FUNNY, and GIVING PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN.


My Father Egon, whom I Respected more than anyone else for his Intellect and Commitmentment to his Principles even though I didn't agree with some of them. He expanded my mind. He died from Leukemia in 1981. I SHALL ALWAYS MISS HIS GUIDANCE AND SUPPORT.


My Grandfather Soren, with whom I shared the most wonderful relationship for the first 9 years of my life. I never saw him again after we immigrated to Canada. He had the greatest impact on my childhood and I absolutely Adored him. The details of his death are illusive but I expect in was due to a heart attack around 1960. UNBELIEVEABY I STILL MISS HIM AND HE IS CONSTANTLY IN MY THOUGHTS AND DREAMS. HIS IMPACT ON MY LIFE IN THE FORMATIVE YEARS HAD THE MOST PROFOUND INFLUENCE OVER WHO I GREW UP TO BECOME AND THAT IS HIS LEGACY. NO ONE KNOWS THE IMPACT WE HAVE ON OTHERS DO WE? HE LOVED ME, LOVED ME, LOVED ME AND SHOWED IT IN COUNTLESS WAYS. ALL, I STILL REMEMBER. AMAZING SINCE I WAS 9 YEARS OLD WHEN I LAST SAW HIM AND HAD TO SAY GOODBYE. MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH PROFOUND GRIEF.

My Life has been truly blessed in having had these treasured relationships and the memories that are imbedded in my mind and heart for me to savour over and over again. They will forever warm and envelop me. I can't think of a more precious gift that anyone could have left for me.

~ Tutte ~

Choose

If I had to choose between the doors of Dreams and Reality, I would choose the first. It's the only place left where I live.

~ Tutte ~

Music

Music, all kinds of music but especially Opera and was my passion all my life. At the age of 9, I would listen to the Live Radio broadcasts from the Metropolitan Opera in New York and had a vast collection of recordings. I always said that the only thing I wanted if I was left on a deserted island was music. Not books.

Now sadly I can't listen to anything that brings back memories without crying. And I hate crying so I don't Listen. It's a huge loss needless to say.

~ Tutte ~

Sleep

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake - you know?

~ Ernest Hemingway ~

Insomnia

this cancer inside of me
hurts more than I can bear
I want to slice open my chest
and rip at the tear
it would be a relief
from the abyss inside
with all these thoughts
with no-one to confide
I scream in silence as I lay down
wishing I could sleep
but all I have are tears
for this pain that I keep
I beg of the world
grant me one favor
give an end to my suffering
give me just one savior

~ abyss ~

Love Is

"Love is when you look into someone's eyes and see everything you need."

In the Eye of the Beholder

Love this image because it depicts to me that we see love through our hearts and not based on physical appearances with our eyes. Love is available to everyone if we are open to receive and extend.

~ Tutte ~

Held Captive by My Mouth

As a side effect of one of my Major PTSD episodes, I developed extreme mouth problems. Lost my ability to produce Saliva. Everything I ate became sawdust in my mouth and I lost my Tastebuds. It lasted 6 months. As a result, my fillings and crowns fell out and having all my upper teeth removed. There was no way to save them. That led to a Dental Plate that after 2 years, I can't adapt to. Fortunately my saliva returned so that I can once again Taste as in the past. In the process, I lost over 100 pounds. I was not unhappy about that but not the method by which I lost the weight. Starvation. I only wear the plate when I run an errand and it's the first item I remove when I return home. I can chew with it but NOTHING tastes the same. This has become a huge cause of grief. I was a Gourmet cook and loved food, especially anything with a crunch. Now all I can eat is what I can gum. It's become so boring and limited in the choices I have. It's difficult to envision spending the rest of my life in this situation. The idea is so abhorant to me. No more restuarants, dinners out etc. What pleasures do I have left?

My greatest wish today is that I could afford to have screws put in so I can get a plate without a palate. Perhaps I have more tastebuds in the roof of my mouth than others and why the problem. Other people including my parents adjusted to theirs.
I thought I would write about it here because I do believe that it helps to put my desires out into the Universe. It has worked so many times in the past. Perhaps I should start buying Lottery tickets but it seems like a waste of the few dollars I have to live on.

~ Tutte ~

In My Dreams

Moon Face - When We Come Together

The Storm Arrived as I had Expected

God I hate it when it does. Will it ever stop completely? Thankfully, I am provided with some periods of calm before the next.

~ Tutte ~

Warnings of Another PTSD Attack

What I have discovered over the years, is that the first symptoms of another onslaught is manifested in my body long before I become consciously aware of what is happening. Until I do, it feels as if I am dying. My chest constricts, can barely breath, my stomach feels as if I have an E-Coli virus, my heart beats to the extent that it feels as if it could explode from my chest. It's absolutely terrifying! I was totally unprepared for this when it first began 6 years ago. I was told I was Depressed. It wasn't until I looked up my Symptoms on the NET that I began to recognized the symptoms were those for PTSD. Once I had a diagnosis, I was able to inject my Conscious Mind into the exercise of diminishing the physical effects. Depending on their severity, it can take several days. So much needs to be discovered about this mental Disease and I am not sure unless someone is involved with War Veterans, much effort is put into this. Anyone who has suffered a major trauma whether others recognize it as such, needs to be studied and attended to. It's a Disease based in an uncontrable response to a major influx of Adrenalin, a natural occurrence to a Flight or Fight Response based in Fear and feeling Out of Control. At least that is my experience. With all the cataclysmic events occuring globally, there are millions of people who suffer from this without adequate treatment. That won't happen until it is studied further and more in depth.

~ Tutte ~