Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up [Official Music Video]

Dreams

I just spent some time reading my archive and came to realize how many of my posts involved Insomnia. I had forgotten how devastating that was. Obviously much has improved. In fact, I have done a 180 so today I sleep about 10 hours a day. No doubt due to the fact that I wake up every 1/2 hour to change position due to the pain in my shoulders. However, unless I have something to get up for, I totally enjoy drifting in and out for several hours before I am finally able to remain awake. It's an unusual experience for me to say the least but came across a quote that makes me realize I am not the only one. So superior to the years of Insomnia.

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened. 
~Author Unknown~

My dreams are so vivid, I encounter so many of my deceased loved ones, travel to so many exotic destinations, I have a life full of adventure and the unexpected, that I have no desire to wake up to my reality. I am fully alive and joyful in my dreams.....why would I want to re-enter the 'real' world. Not sure anymore which is what. Reality I mean.

~ Tutte ~

► Planet Earth: Lest We Forgot our Beautiful Home

Options

After my Isolation of the last 9 years and moving into a more peaceful space, I should be very grateful for having more options. However, I am discovering that has become a huge stressor since I have no idea what to do with them. I can never recapture my passions and what made my life meaningful or purposeful. Regardless of my ideas and plans, I am always ALONE and without the means to recreate them. The recent Hospital stay reminded me of my dormant personality, the sense of humour that is inherent in my soul, and the need for company and interactions with others  I so desperately need.

My sons are not available nor do I have grandchildren and expect I never will. That is the natural progression of aging for most. We need youth and the regeneration of our blood to keep us alive and young in spirit. Fortunately I still am despite that lack of family. Have no idea how to reintegrate that experience back into my life without my sons being present.

My month's stay in the hospital was like a vacation despite the pain and the GD bed. I was re-introduced to life, youth, people of various personality types etc. I just loved it. Sounds strange but an indication of what my needs are. Being part of a community of some community. A place to connect with others. With my recurring health problems and my dislike for wearing my dental plate leaves me with still limited options. I continue to think of what could/would fill that need.

Must find one but have no idea yet where. I know I have options in terms of Senior Activity Centers but can't envision myself doing that. I don't belong to any Church. What I loved about being in the hospital was the interactions I had with young people. Having spent 10 years visiting my mother in a nursing home and with seniors, that is not what will rejuvenate my spirit. I want youth and energy and a zest for life around me. People my age, share stories around their ailments and I have had enough of those. Not in the least joyful. I want JOY back in my life.

 ~ Tutte ~

Embracing

It's the Weekend and Easter as well and I just want to be cuddled in the arms of my beloved. Especially after the trauma of the last two months. There is no one here for me and I am so lonely and feeling deprived of a human touch. Having a cat to cuddle would suffice. Myki provided that in the past. I could have another but I won't.
 ~ Tutte ~

In My Dreams

My Heart Sighed

And when I met you my heart sighed. The sigh radiated from the hole in my chest, from that place that had never seen light, from that place that had taken all of my joy and given me only loneliness.
"There you are," it said, "you don't know how long I have been waiting for you."
Author Unknown

This feeling was experienced and acknowledged by both Arch and I and we recognized what a gift we received when we met one another.

~ Tutte ~

White Tears

An unusual image. (Not my Title) I had never thought of it before but now realize it applies to me since I NEVER allow myself to shed tears of sorrow or pain (Black Tears) but allow them to flow freely when I listen to a beautiful piece of music or am inspired by a story of overcoming and perseverance. Stories of when people reach out to others. Those are tears of empathy, compassion and joy. An affirmation of the highest good in people. My white tears are shed when I feel uplifted and inspired.

~ Tutte ~

Touched By Magic

There have been countless times in my life when I feel like I have been touched by Magic. Or what I choose to call Angels or the Universe. Whether with unexpected financial gifts from friends and family or letters from unknown people who express their appreciation for my Website. And for listening to my intuition so as to escape what could have been an accident or tragedy. I shall always remain grateful regardless of all the dark hours of my existence.

~ Tutte ~

Smoking

I haven't entirely quit yet but know someday soon I will. It has lost so much appeal especially since I was in the Hospital. Smoked less than half a package the entire month. Perhaps because I was gifted with a daily patch or the effort of having to dress, go down and outside in whatever weather attached to an IV pole wasn't worth the effort.

Surprisingly and to my doctors as well, all my tests showed that my lungs are completely clear. I really wasn't as much since I don't have a cough or a raspy voice. Haven't had a cold or flue for the last 12 years. Is it due to Genes? I lived with 2nd/3rd hand smoke all my life. My Dad smoked as did my husband. Neither died of lung cancer. My 30+ year old sons who have lived with secondhand smoke their entire lives have had no health problems. Don't think they have ever seen a doctor except for stitches and a broken nose when they were very young. One smokes and the other doesn't. I don't condone smoking anymore and wouldn't recommend anyone do it. However, it is not as black and white issue as we are being told.

It has certainly lost most of it's appeal for me especially with my present dry tongue problems due to the antibiotics that I was innundated with for 6 weeks. Noticed a major change the second week. They killed off any harmful bacteria but some of all the healthy ones as well. Have noticed many changes in my body since. Have reduced my daily intake to about 5 a day. And they don't taste good and burn my tongue. Why I continue, I don't know. Will have to give that some thought.

There are so many toxins in the environment to compromise our health and causes cancer but smoking has become the scapegoat. That all I will say as I could get on another soapbox.

~ Tutte ~

A Realization

I was recently informed that another cousin of mine has died. That now leaves one other, my older sister and myself, the last few to survive in that generation. It had a huge impact on me in terms of aging and how quickly the generations are passed onto another.

My life ended when my beloved died and since I have lived alone, in isolation for the last 13, those years feel like a vaccuum. Apart from the physical aspects of my body, my mind remains at 50, so to become aware that I am now last in line was quite an eye opener. Not because I fear death since that has been a wish of mine for years but just the reality that it can now occur anytime. I always had a premonition that I would die by the age of 70 and if that happens, it's perfectly fine. Ready to grow wings anytime.

~ Tutte ~

Once Again

I have kept my head above the water. Saw the Plastic Surgeon yesterday who gave me two thumbs up and a clean bill of health. A visit with the Chiropractor whose treatments hurt like hell but in a good way and I know my neck and shoulders are slowly improving. Continue to walk and my strength and stamina are returning.

I feel so grateful from having been spared what could have been a devastating scenario.

~ Tutte ~

I AM

I have been called 'Weird' countless times by my sibling, however, I prefer to think of myself as unique and not fitting within any mold. I am a free spirit and that is one of the things I love most about myself. My youngest son is the same. It must be in the genes!?

~ Tutte ~

If Only

Now if only I could figure out what that is. Feel so frustrated at the moment as my body won't repond to my desire. Can't believe how tired I feel all the time. Can't even vaccuum my small apt. Too much shoulder pain....still. Hopefully that will change shortly as I continue with my Chiro treatments.

~Tutte ~

Challenges

Reflections on my Hospital Experience

I have felt that my PTSD episodes have diminished greatly since my move however, there were two instances in the hospital that made me realize there is still some residue left when I get stressed to the limit and having no control.

One night in extreme shoulder pain and wearing a full leg splint that dug into my skin, I totally lost it. I was so frustrated by being constantly entangled with all the blankets, elasticized sheets, socks, the IV tubes and unable to find any comfort that I just picked up everything on my bed and threw it on the floor at the end of my bed. So out of character for me and recognized my level of distress and called for the nurse. She talked me down and remade my bed. By the way, that never happened (making my bed) on a regular basis unless there was a reason to. How things have changed since my first hospital visit in the early '70's. Back then our beds were changed every morning, we were washed, our feet were massaged with a lotion as were our backs at bedtime. We were coddled and the healing process nurtured. Along with having decent food hygiene. Today none of those little acts of comfort are provided. A hospital stay today is not based on anything but the bare essentials in order to provide pain relief and some mobility. The sooner you go home the better. As patients that is our desire as well and after my previous 3 surgeries, I never spent more than 2 days. A month is almost unheard of unless some major cause and I guess I was one of those cases.

The second time was when I was again encumbered by the leg splint that was so painful. I had been in bed for a few days (third week) and just couldn't stand being so confined any longer. I asked the nurse if I could leave the ward and go downstairs and outside for a walk. Her reply was, "We can't stop you but I wouldn't recommend it". That was all I needed to hear and put on a sweater and grabbed my Pole Pal (IV pole) and went out for some much needed fresh air and a few puffs. I would have gone regardless of the answer as I was on the verge of a panic attack.

The air in the hospital was unbelievably dry and I was constantly in a state of itching and a dry nose. I had to ask them every night to leave the door open to allow for some air circulation. The room itself was always very cold and why a need for so many blankets and warm socks. During the month I spent in the Hosp. I smoked less than half a package and really didn't miss them except when I had a need for fresh air and then had the opportunity to smoke.

My observation about the hygiene of a hospital room versus the old days, is that it is disgustingly dirty and why there are so many germs and infections being spread around. Cleaning of the rooms occurs when a new bed is brought it and then it is a brief wipe with some damp cloth, a lick and a promise. I saw the same stains on the bathroom floor for the month I was there although I mentioned it. I also had to call over a gal to clean all the IV spills and drips next to my bed. To be brief, the place was a lethal mix of germs, fluids and anything else you can think of. Not an environment that would promote healing and with such gross food, what is direly needed for the body to recover, the less time one can spend there, the better. I heard on the news last week that 137,000 death are attributed to hospital infections in the USA. I am not surprised and expect Canada is not much safer based on my observations.

In remembrance of a few of my fellow roommates some are more outstanding than others. Did I mention I probably had over 40, so difficult to recall them all. Some are more memorable than others.

Two middle aged female pedestrians with back and leg injuries. One, a Japanese woman and it was very enlightening to see how graceful, humble and accepting she was. A true example to me of the difference between cultures. Truly admired this woman versus the other pedestrian who was constantly complaining and demanding.

A fellow who had fallen off his bike and broke his leg and collar bone. Chatty but delightful.

A demented woman with a great sense of humour who laughed after everything she said, with a hip fracture. Talked all night. Eventually transferred to another facility.

A native woman who had multiple leg injuries and a history of many previous surgeries. Always smiling even when asked what caused her fall and laughingly admitted she was drunk. She was delightful as well but not sad when she was transferred as I found her too chatty.

Another demented 92 year old woman with a hip fracture with the sweetest middle aged son who came to visit daily. We had long chats. She was so terrified at night because she didn't know where she was, would pull out her tubes and bleed all over the place and then in the middle of the night, would scream at the top of her lungs. I had no idea a 92 year old had that lung capacity. Not sure I have. I felt so sorry for her since she must have been so afraid. They had to move her into the hallway with enough meds to get her to settle down to allow the rest of us to sleep.
Her son told me that when she received Hydrocodone?, she would get into this state and that it was due to the meds. Have witnessed what Morphine did to my Mom and how delusional she became. She thought the nurses were trying to kill her. So out of character. I think that making the elderly so fearful and psychotic is (don't even know what term to use), unconscionable and unwarranted.

A gal who drove vehicles for film companies who broke her foot and was attached to her cell phone. She talked constantly in a very loud voice from the moment she was awake until she finally went to sleep at midnight. Fortunately she left the next day. I don't think people are aware of how disturbing this activity is for the rest of the population. Who wants to hear all their personal exchanges? Not me. She was so loud, I couldn't hear the TV wearing earphones. Speaking about the TV. I rediscovered 'All in the Family' and went to bed watching that every night. Is there anything better than going to bed with humour and laughter.

A fellow who had fallen off a barstool and broken his collar bone and shoulder. He had an addiction to ice cubes and would eat them by them handful all day. The nurses had to keep him supplied or he would ring the bell. I not only had to listen to his crunching ice all day but his very large burps and voluminous farts. Totally lacking in consideration for others. So relieved when he was sent home after 2 days.

A lovely lady who broke her leg as she was running down her hall alerting other tenants that there was a fire in the building. She lost everything. This was her second experience with a fire. Had a great attitude and very positive. Totally inspiring. How often do we encounter people who have been devastated by two fires.

An East Indian woman who had a leg injury and whose sons would bring in Curries for dinner every night. I salivated every night as a result of the delicious smells. She ate far better than the rest of us. I could barely eat anything, the food was so disgusting. What was fascinating about her and her family was that there was no conversation and they all looked totally miserable. She ate well and I was so envious.

A fellow who had a shoulder replacement but who told me that his ex-wife had put him on a hit list. $20,000. That W5 were doing a documentary on his story. Is that the truth or not, I don't know. He said there had been many articles on him in the papers and on the Web describing his situation. Now I can't remember his name.

A middle aged woman that I really bonded with. She was delightful and left too early for me. I loved her company but she did do me the favour of getting her mother to pick up a back scratcher. I couldn't live without mine now that I have such major shoulder problems. A godsend for sure.

I am sure there will be others who come to mind as I reflect on all those people. Some delightful and others a pain in the ass. A good cross section of the population I expect. Have just never been in contact with so many diverse people except in my last job 12 years ago when I worked in Emergency Admitting. I was also on an Orthopedic Ward so no really seriously ill patients.

To leave on a very positive note, I have to state that I had the most wonderful nurses. After spending a month in the same room, regardless of all the shift changes, we got to know each other very well in a short period of time. I bonded with most of them. They are what made my experience delightful on so many levels when all else was very negative. I was told by some that I was there favorite patient and I expect it was because we became familiar, shared personal stories and much laughter. Some would come to visit with me when they worked on other floors. When I left, some came and game me a huge hug. Loved that and brought me to tears.

I rediscovered through this stay, that my sense of humour is fully intact. That was reassuring and affirmed that this part of me is still available given the opportunity to be expressed. Humour is what brought Arch and I together and was the glue that kept us united and solidly together despite all our struggles until his death. I do believe that younger generations as we age become our lifeblood to re-experience the energy, vitality and promise of youth. For those who have their children living close by and grandchildren is a huge blessing. We need the younger generations to keep us youthful and up-to-date. I miss that more than I am willing to admit.

Bottom line is that this experience provided me with another avenue to learn more about myself. That in terms of my ability to interact with others in unusual circumstances whether surgeons, nurses, other patients, my patience, tolerance to others in my space and my pain tolerance. And am still somewhat intact and with a sense of humour.

I am truly impressed by myself and my inner strength. I don't say this coming from the ego but based on the mental state I lived in for the last 8 years. I have made a major transition and even though I am aware that PTSD has not entirely gone away, it has improved immensely and expect it will continue to. As long as I have some sense of control. It's a fine line I know and my fuse has become very short as I experienced with the blanket incidence. I just have to be aware that I always have options even if they are out of character. It is okay to have a fit or do the unexpected when I feel pushed to the edge. Of course I don't mean that if they would involve some other person.

Saw the Chiro yesterday and he helped with my shoulders but it will take time. Feeling hopeful and I continue to heal and get stronger.

~ Tutte ~

Josh Groban - To Where You Are

For anyone who has suffered the loss of loved one, I hope this brings comfort. It does me.

~ Tutte ~

Constant Financial Worries

This fall had cost me $1000 plus in unexpected expenses. New glasses, TV rentals in the hospital (I could have bought a new TV) but it was necessary so I had some distraction to pass the time and the costs of prescription upon returning home. The Antibiotics cost me over $100 and I only used 1/4 before they were discontinued. That was a total pissoff. There were others costs which now escape my mind at the moment.

When living on such a meager income as I do, these costs put me into debt. Not sure how to recover as I have more expenses coming up with a tuneup to my car etc. for which I don't have an emergency fund. Will trust that the Universe will continue to provide as it always has in the past. Am always stunned and overwhelmed by how these miracles happen unexpectedly. I know they occur to re-inforce my Lesson in Trust. I made a commitment to live by faith 16 years ago and so far I have never been let down. Truly a miraculous experience. I should state that I now use Intention in place of Faith. Intention is the gear that creates movement and action. That is the miracle in terms of my personal experience of God.

I am so grateful that I live in Canada where the entire cost of my hospital stay at $3,300 a day for a month, excluding the surgeries, Home Care Nursing, cost me nothing. I continue to remain focused on the positive.

~ Tutte ~

Continues Pain

I wish I could have written something more positive but the truth is that my shoulder problems are excalating to an unbelievable level. My right shoulder in particular. I am loosing strength, mobilty and flexibility. This happened to my left shoulder 12 years ago from a fall and I learnt to adapt and accomadate. If I loose that in my right, how I will be able to dress myself or lift anything? Today I am finding it difficult to drive not to mention doing anything that requires leverage. As in getting up with my injured leg. The shoulder problem happened before my fall but has become 100 times worse and I attribute that to the goddamned hospital bed. Have an appointment with my sweet Chiropractor and I feel confident that he will do all he can to help me. I can't continue to live with this level of pain. So amazing that the surgeries and tissue problems didn't cause any pain. I expect this is nerve related and anything to do with nerves is the most painful. Trust me I know having had 5 ruptured discs. Excruciating, the worst pain of all.

~ Tutte ~

Clean Bill of Health

After spending a month in the hospital, a week at home on IV Antibiotics, I received a Clean Bill of Health today so I am now ready to dip my toes in the ocean again. I live close to a beach so once the weather gets warmer, that's where I'm going.

I will continue from the previous post on falling.

As the scab continued to separate from the healthy tissue, it began to smell like old blood. I tried to keep it clean and dressed but it became too overwhelming so I made the decision I should have done a week earlier. I had gone to a Walk-In Clinic and was told by the MD that it looked fine and to go home and put heat on it. In retrospect, what an incompetent doctor and advice. He should have sent me immediate to the ER. I finally did.

As soon as the ER MD looked at my wound, he expressed an immediate concern and was very blunt with me in terms of potential long term consequences and treatment. The black scab was Necrotic tissue with potential infection that could lead to my having to have my knee replacement removed, a spanner put in place and then another knee replacement. All this would involve months of treatment but all dependent upon whether the bacteria and infection had spread to my bone. I was sent to see a Plastic surgeon the following day. He expressed the same concerns and booked me for surgery two days later. The speed with which all this happened was an indication of just how serious a problem I had. Had I waited any longer, I could possible have developed Gangrene and we all know the ramifications of that. I have had hematomas in the past and they always healed on their own and none ever formed this type of a scab. I inquired what it was and it is called a Pressure Hematoma. The blood that pooled in the tissues had no way of escape since there was no cut and so the old blood clots and prevents healthy tissue from being oxygenated and therefore it dies (necrotic).

I expected to go in for Day Surgery so didn't bring anything with me for an extended stay or make any preparations. As I was given a choice re Anesthetics, I opted for a Spinal since I don't experience any nausea. I could hear everything going on and it didn't seem to last too long. Once done, the surgeon gave me a two thumbs up because the ?infection? hadn't reached my bones. That was a huge blessing. Saved me from months of more surgeries etc. Who knows what I would have had to endure. That procedure is called a 'debridement'. Not only was the entire top of my knee removed but tunneling was done to remove any other pockets of old blood.

That wound healed remarkably quickly and looked so healthy. Just a big area of pink muscle. I was supposed to have a skin graft after 10 days but then was put on hold three days in a row. Nothing by mouth until 5 pm. That would have been terrible had it not been for the disgusting hospital food that I rarely ate. No doubt I lost weight, I don't have a scale but the mirror reflects. So it was another 6 days until I received the skin graft. Had to be transferred to another Hospital in Eagle Ridge. I chose to have another Spinal and could hear whatever machine they use to shave off skin. Like a drill. Then back to RCH to recover. I was told by both doctors and nurses what a fantastic healer I am and I am grateful. They must know by how my sites looked as compared to what they had expected.

I could write much around the details of my stay but am really tired from barely having slept for a month. The hospital bed was unbelievably uncomfortable and created so much pain in my shoulders that I had to take pain meds. and have warm blankets wrapped around them at night. A very pleasant treat. They use a new type of elasticized sheet that doesn't allow for gliding when shifting one's position in bed. That meant I had to use an overhead pulley every time I need to move. It was so unbearably painful on my shoulders. As anyone who has spent any time in hosp. knows, one can only sleep in increments due to nursing and medicinal schedules.

I was in a 4 bed ward so over the month must have had over 40 roommates of both sexes and ages. With very different histories and I found that quite fascinating. What a change for someone who has lived in isolation and alone in my bedroom for 17 years. Most people snore and I expect I do as well but there is no one to tell me. The nursing staff were fantastic and I developed some close connections.

I discovered early on how much I enjoyed all the stimulation and how un-alone I felt. Since I have been home, I really miss all the interactions, chats and laughs I have enjoyed. It will take a little time to adjust.

I came home with a pump for IV antibiotics and pills to take for the next 2 weeks. I had go to the lab twice a week to check on any dosage changes required. A home care nurse came in several times a week for wound dressing changes. I had an appt. with the Infectious Disease Dr. on this Monday who gave me a clean bill of health and discontinued my antibiotics. Thank God since they were making me sick to my stomach and the pump was so heavy and cumbersome. Now after 6 weeks, I can finally have a shower. I see the Plastic Surgeon on the 3rd of Apr. Hopefully that will be the end of it.

I have permission to bend my knee so can drive again and can see both donor and graft sites and they look absolutely amazing. I am so impressed by the power of the body to heal.

It's been a mind boggling unexpected experience but I have learnt so much. I am grateful on so many levels. It's been totally enlightening.

Spring is just around the corner and I hope to regain all the strength I lost lying in bed for a month. It's amazing how quickly we can loose it. I am walking daily but surprised by how weak I have become and how tired I am. The body doesn't recover quite as quickly as we get older. I can nap every time I lie down on the couch for a change of position. Probably trying to catch up on all the hours I lost when in the hospital and slept in 2 hour increments. The future looks bright and I feel very hopeful.

I am so grateful for all the letters of support and prayers I have received from my subscribers to www.portalstopeace.com and to my personal friends who drove me here and there for appts. etc. at ungodly hours of the morning and came to visit. As depressed as I often am, I am fully aware of how many blessings I receive from kind, empathic and caring beings. They are my Angels.

~ Tutte ~