Love

We need to trust that. When I was searching it never happened. When I let go, LOVE found me.

~ Tutte ~

Memories

So grateful for the deposits I made in my Memory Bank over the years that I constantly withdraw from. I happen to be one of those people who only remember the good. Perhaps most of us do but know some who only carry resentments and still feel victimized.

My wonderful memories have provided me with comfort for years when there was nothing else.

~ Tutte ~

Remembering the Mornings

I came across this image tonight and I had such a visceral response because it reminded of how I woke up every day for the last 7 years with thoughs of Suicide. Fortunately I didn't act upon them although I was always tempted.

~ Tutte ~

Sleep

I just went through another terrible period of insomnia but thankfully it is gone once again. I really have no idea why I go through days of profound sleeplessness. A 2 hour nap several times a day and then it shifts. For the present, I am sleeping very well. I know it must have something to do with where my thoughts are and am trying to be conscious of that and change them. I think I expected to have left PTSD in the dust when I moved but realize there will be much residue and it will take time. Things have improved so greatly that I feel guilty for not appreciating my 'nest' as much as I had hoped.

However, I was aware ahead of moving, that this could be a byproduct.

~ Tutte ~

The Butterfly of Hope

Hope is the second most powerful aspect of being Human. Love is the FIRST. Without Hope, however diminished at times, it allows us to survive through the most difficult times. It can lift and carry most of our burderns. Sure did for me.

~ Tutte ~

Baptism of Tears

Loosing the person you love the most is the Baptism of Tears.

~ Tutte ~

A Tear

I rarely allow myself to cry. No idea why. They occur when I listen to music or am touched by something I see or hear. Always just a few silent ones.
Sure wish I could let them flow but I expect I am so afraid that if I do, the floodgates will open and there will be not end.

~ Tutte ~

Still Struggling

Haven't won the battle yet but it's getting easier as I become more aware of the triggers and to delay the need for instant gratification.

~ Tutte ~

Worry

“Worry looks around,
Sorrow looks back
Faith looks up.”

~Saint Xavier

Have experienced them all and they remain constant. Not just with me but everyone. We have yet to learn to Live Life In the Moment. I sure haven't although I am aware it is an option. Why? I don't know. There is no classroom to teach us how. The world and our parents instill a sense of fear and insecurity.

Loss instills a profound sense of sorrow for which there is no band-aid.

Faith is all that has kept me going even when I had lost all sense of Hope. The Lifeblood for living still somewhat intact. We cannot survive psychologically without it. I almost didn't. I still worry!

I am so profoundly lonely and lacking in focus. Even with this new move and content in my new home, I have come to realize that those 2 aspects of the past moved with me. Not entirely unexpected but clarified some of my issues. I must find something to become involved with if not passionate about....but what?

~ Tutte ~

Your Lips

The touch of Your Kiss my Beloved Arch was like a feather to My lips. I will miss them forever.

~ Tutte ~

Absence

Absence makes the heart grow fonder; but it sure makes the rest of you feel lonely.

- Charlie Brown

My Religion

When I do good, I feel good.
When I do bad, I feel bad.
That is my religion.

Source Unknown

Works for me and is a great barometer.

~ Tutte ~

Sometimes there aren't Words for How You Feel

Pay Attention to what You Say

Words are like arrows and penetrate the heart more than anything else. They leave wounds and scars that are hard to heal. Be vigilant and think before you speak.

~ Tutte ~

If You Could

There are so Many Things that Time Cannot Erase

Our Memories serve that purpose. Thank God. And usually they are very Positive. Pain seems to subside with time but the Joyful moments never do. I am so grateful since I have such a wealth of those.

~ Tutte ~

Friends

I have been truly blessed all my life to have made lifelong friends. My Angels who have supported me in countless ways throughout the years. For the past seven, I have had to distance myself from those relationships because I didn't want to overburden them with my problems and leaving them feeling helpless. I made attempts to explain that it was not about them but about the process I was going through. Thankfully they must have accepted that explanation and didn't take it personally. Since I have moved, I have made very successful attempts to reconnect with all of them as my attitude has had a major shift and feel far more positive about the future. Hopefully this new shift in thinking will affect all aspects of my life. It's still all about taking baby steps.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with 3 dear friends with whom I shared many Summer Retreats in the past. We met through our Hospice activities. It was so wonderful to be able to experience that the love that bound us together in the past is still intact. One of those women had come in from Hawaii. We have communicated constantly via Email but it cannot replace the natural flow of energy, that warm hug and extension of love. I look forward to having many more 'Friendly Encounters' with friends as a result of this move. I have missed them profoundly.

~ Tutte ~

A Rose for the 4 of Us

I haven't posted for such a long time because I still haven't figured out what to do with my new environment or how to live in it. My new apt. is very lovely and comfy and exactly the type of nest I had dreamed of but for whatever reason, it still doesn't feel like home. I am feeling very guilty and somewhat confused for not being overjoyed until I was reminded of an old song, "A House is not a Home", Lyrics by Burt Bacharach follows:

A chair is still a chair
Even when there's no one sitting there
But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight,
And no one there you can kiss good night.

A room is still a room
Even when there's nothing there but gloom;
But a room is not a house,
And a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart.

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends it ends in tears.

Of course my beloved didn't leave me voluntarily but that same sense of loneliness continues to follow me and I wonder if that hasn't been the the crux to my problems all these years. I so want him back, the support, the love, the intimacy, the fun and laughter and humour we shared. It isn't and I have been trying to learn to live without it but don't except I ever will. How does one overcome a broken heart? Sure wish I knew or could find a bandaid somewhere. I know that relationships are not the same and people grieve differently and so some cannot relate to the depth of mine. I was married and in a relationship that most only dream of. I must count my blessings in having been gifted with that experience but it also contributes to the depth of my grief. To paraphrase Kahlil Gibran, he stated that to the degree we experience Joy, so will we experience Sorrow. That is truly an affirmation of the relationship I shared with my beloved Arch. I know he would feel exactly the same had I been the one to depart first.

Any space in which we live will never feel like 'home' unless there is someone to share it with. It should also include our children and the memories that have been built over years of raising them. Sadly my two boys are not present nor my 4 step-children except via modern technology. Love them all and know they make an effort to stay connected despite the distance. Appreciate that more than words can convey. It just isn't the same as sitting across a dinner table sharing stories and laughter. God, How I miss that!

~ Tutte ~

My 50 Year Old Companion

Wish I could grow old with my constant companion but I can't.

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. I have been going through a huge transition and have yet to figure out how to live in my new environment.

My apartment has come together as I had envisioned it and it is a very peaceful and serene environment visually. However, as much as I have tried to leave my demons behind, I have discovered that it is much easier to change the external circumstances of one's life versus the internal.

I am having major struggles which I am reluctant to admit. I am so unbelievably restless that I am ready to crawl out of my skin. No doubt because a major aspect of this move is the fact that I can't smoke. That's a huge adjustment after 50 years and affects every aspect of how I spend my time which is primarily in front of my PC. I still haven't quit and go outside when the urge becomes too much. The manager continues to harass me and that adds a level of stress that was totally unexpected. I have not had a puff or lit a match to light a candle in this space and I have now been here for 2 months. I feel as if I have to constantly look over my shoulder and take all kinds of steps to be able to walk into the building without smelling like I have been smoking. No doubt once Fall arrives and the weather changes, it will be much easier but for the moment with trying to figure out what my new life will be, I still need the comfort of a smoke from time to time. I am probably down to 5 a day versus the pack and a half in the past. The Gov't here in Canada is coming up with a Cessation program at the end of the month where they will pay for available means to quit. I have tried the Patches but am now thinking about using the Inhaler.

I don't really miss the hand to mouth action but do miss a smoke after I have something to eat, a coffee or a drink. Have tried to postpone the urge for several hours after to break the association and it is working. In fact, most don't really taste very good any longer and want to butt it out after just a few puffs. That's a very encouraging sign to me. Often when I have the opportunity to smoke, I don't.

It will happen of that I am confident. I just have to do it in my own way so that I don't become obsessed about it. I have tried to diet many times and for anyone who has tried to diet, the temptation is to eat all you enjoy and then start the next day. It doesn't work and it's the same with smoking. The desire has to become ingrained in our thinking to facilitate the change in lifestyle. We have to find a way that works for us individually. As Dr. Phil has stated countless times, one can't break any addiction with Willpower. It can only happen when we substitute the desire/behaviour with something else.

One of the major benefits I have enjoyed from this entire excercise is that I have to go outside and walk half a block away to have a smoke. As a result, I have regained so much muscle mass and stamina. It's hard to believe that 3 months ago I had to hold on to the wall in my hallways when I went for a short walk. There is a gift in everything if we choose to find it. Therefore, I must be grateful to my manager to has forced me into walking to get away from the building for my puffs. Now I can walk an entire block and half of it is uphill. Some gifts don't always arrive packaged as we would expect.

I just resent having to be deceitful. Not part of my character. When she has confronted me, she has stated it isn't anything personal, just business, but now knowing that I don't smoke in my apt. I feel it has become somewhat personal. I am living up to my lease by not smoking in my apt. I expect her main issue is that I duped her initially by lying. I wish it hadn't been necessary but it was. Still have to figure her out. She runs hot and cold and there is something quite unique about her. Haven't been able to put my finger on it yet and I am usually a good judge of character. I always tend to focus on the positive. There is a grey area with her.

Will write more about the other aspects of my transitioning another time.

~ Tutte ~

A Brighter Outlook

I haven't posted since prior to my move. As with most moves, there were major hurdles and frustration to overcome. I also got scammed by the cleaning lady I had hired who did a terrible job so I lost my damage deposit. The mover came 3 hours late and stretched it as long as possible since they were being paid by the hours so didn't arrive in my new apartment until 9 o'clock at night and I paid too much. As a result the hook up for my cable didn't occur because I wasn't here. I was left without a phone or my PC for 3 days which sent me into major withdrawals but finally got the problem resolved. Discovered during the process of unpacking, a box containing some great items had been damaged and my things were broken. But worse than that is that my beautiful credenza has developed a problem so I can't close the sliding doors. Can't replace what has been broken and not yet sure if the problem with my furniture can be repaired.

In the first two weeks, I have had some issues with the manager who asked me if I was a smoker and I said no. From previous experiences I knew when I was initially asked if I was a smoker, I had to lie otherwise renting would have been denied me. Never expected to the the subject of descrimination. She had some suspicion since my clothes and belongings must have smelt of smoke. When asked I admitted that I was a smoker and that I had moved into a non smoking building because I desperately wanted to quit. She didn't believe me and hassled me constantly. However now 3 weeks later and with countless visits to my apt. she has finally come to realize I have never had a puff in here. I want this space to be sweet smelling and I fully intend to leave this habit behind. I simply can't afford it otherwise I never would. It's been my constant companion and soother when times were so difficult for me. I still venture out several times a day to have a puff or two when the urge becomes overwhelming. I think in total I have smoked 4 packs in the last 3 weeks. The truth is that they don't taste very good any longer and they burn my tongue. I know I will be able to totally quit once my home has been put together and I adopt a new lifestyle. Both physically and mentally.

Have unpacked and washed everything so now only my brass left to polish. Purchased a pair of loveseat and once they arrive, I will be able to finish decorating. I don't think a place ever really feels like home until the paintings and pictures are hung. However, I can foresee what a peaceful space this will become. It's an old building so many things I wish were different but it certainly surpasses the new building I lived in for the last 7 years. I will make adjustments. No doubt will have to rearrange things in the kitchen once I begin to find out what isn't working in terms of being an efficient workspace.

I am having some major issues with feeling restless and very lonely. That at the same time with an increase in activity and reconnecting with an old friend. No doubt not smoking on a regular basis is a major factor, not feeling at home yet, and then the enormous change from the last 7 years. Before I moved I tried not to project what expectations I had for the future and somewhat fearful that the PTSD and depression would follow me. So far it hasn't but sense some aspects are creeping in. I know it takes time to rewire the brain from years of such negative thinking so I must be patient.

I walk many times a day and am slowly rebuilding my strength and stamina. Will continue doing that. I love the neighbourhood. I feel as if I left an institution for the elderly on the outskirts of town and moved into an alive and breathing neighbourhood. There is a house across the street with 3 children so I hear all the squeals and laughter that young children make. I have missed that so much.

Will post more another time.

~ Tutte ~