Metamorphosis

I am so ready to emerge from my shell of hibernation for the last 10 years.

~ Tutte ~

If Only

If only when I receive the odd rare piece of good news, there was someone to share and celebrate it with, it would make it much more memorable. Sadly there isn't so I have to share it via the NET. But so grateful to have that.

~ Tutte ~

Matter of Time

With this new knowledge and hope I have for a brighter future, I know it's just a matter of time.

I won't start packing or looking for a new dwelling until I receive the cheque so I know how much I have to work with. Once I know, I will begin packing and when half way through I will look for a new home. My strength and stamina has been greatly diminshed from years of disability and a sedentary life. I have begun walking my long hallways twice a night religiously in order to build myself up for the work involved with packing and moving. It feels great. I had forgotten how good it feels when the body is in motion.

I am slowly gaining strength and stamina with every day but it takes much longer as we age. Most importantly, my confidence is returning. I have discovered through this exercise that my right side is very weak and the problem. Not as a result of my hip replacement but rather the nerve damage that was caused by 5 major episodes of ruptured discs over 25 years that all affected my right side. Those were the most painful experiences of anything I have ever encountered. The last one took 3 weeks to overcome. I couldn't sit, stand or lie down for any length of time. I had spasms in both buttock and calf relentlessly. The nerve in my calf muscle kept firing constantly so if I looked at my leg, I could see it constantly jumping. It eventually led to atrophy of that muscle and further nerve damage to my foot. It disappated somewhat over time, but still occasionally wakes me up at night if I turn the wrong way.

So every problem we have to deal with, is always a matter of time before we have a resolution. Not always the one we could have wished for but at least some relief.

~ Tutte ~

Walls

For much too long I have wondered if I would ever break through the wall of my entrapment and now it seems almost possible.

~ Tutte ~

Unravelling

The Web of my confinement for the last 7 years is beginning to unravel as I just received confirmation from the government that they have approved my application for 5 years of retro disability payments. Have no idea yet what the amount will be but regardless, I know it will be what I need to extricate myself from this web I have been trapped in for much too long.

The Universe (God)is good in that IT has answered my prayer once again. I live by faith and have experienced many miracles in my life when I was rescued from disaster. I was on the brink of self destruction when this process began. I am so grateful.

The future looks so much brighter today and I don't wake up with thoughts of suicide. Hope is a major factor and having a vision to make wishes come true with a lot of assistance is the key. I spent so many years feeling totally hopeless.

~ Tutte ~

Build Anyway

My Valentine, Always and Forever

This is the picture of my beloved that is my screensaver and desktop image so the first and last thing I see when I open and close my PC.

He told me early on how much he loved me. Long before I grew to love him. I did because he tought me to trust a man. Every day he said he loved me and then after we where married, he would say, "I Love Loving You". I believed him as he proved it every day. At the time I didn't really understand what he meant. I loved him but knew he loved me more. We had many challenges and obstacles to overcome that would probably have been reasons enough for other's to divorce but our love for each other overcame all of that and remained so till the very end.

Today I understand what Arch meant by his Statement. Today I realize how much I have loved "Loving Him". And Still do! He was such a funny, sweet, kind, generous and loving soul. How blessed I have been. He is the greatest gift God could ever have provided me with. I will never stop loving him.

~ Tutte ~

Valentines Day

It is only a day away and I have no interest or investment in it whatsoever. I expect I am not alone. Unless you have a loving partner, it means nothing. It did for me and my beloved Arch for years and we always celebrated it. Sweet memories.

It's a very lonely day for so many singles or unhappy people in relationships. I think I would prefer to be single with my happy memories versus being stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. So many are. Sadly!!!

~ Tutte ~

Change of Thinking

For so long I have had the belief that smoking is the only form of comfort I have left and what a huge sacrifice to give it up after 58 years. Can't even enjoy food any longer.

With my new found hope for a brighter future and knowing I will have to move into a NS space, my attitude is changing, however slowly. I have cut down by half and will continue to pursue by whatever means so I can finally kick this habit. It will provide me with a huge sense of freedom and accomplishment when I finally do. Not to forget savings. I have tried willpower but that isn't enough. Any habit has to be replaced by something more enjoyable.

I expect I will discover what that is shortly as long as I can retain my sense of Hope for the future. I need that as my incenstive.

~ Tutte ~

Friendship

Peace is the Commander

The Egyptians who were victorious today, achieved that by peaceful means. Let that be a guide to all of us when we are in conflict.

~ Tutte ~

The Future

I continue to focus on the future and a new life for me but I am still in the dark. I won't know if it will be possible until I hear from the government. I won't give up my focus/intention and remain ever hopeful.

~ Tutte ~

Spooning

A very familiar way to go to sleep. God how I miss that.

~ Tutte ~

Old Address Book

As we age, sadly we have to cross off names in our address book. The longer we live the more names we cross off. I have done my share already. It's no wonder the aged become so lonely and depressed. My mother was 98 when she died. I have no desire whatsoever to live that long.

~ Tutte ~

The Mask of Childhood

How sad that we all quickly learn the need to wear one in order to get along in the world. The innocense we once took for granted is removed by the expectations of other and the relationships we encounter once we begin to socialize as children. We wear them for self-protection so we will be accepted. Sadly, we wear them our entire lives.

It takes old age I think before we realize that we can put those experiences behind us, that we are free to express ourselves and that any investment in the approval of others has been greatly if not totally diminished. I know that is the blessing of aging for me. So sad it takes a lifetime to learn how to be genuinly ourselves.

~ Tutte ~

Looking towards the Future

I have been following the revolution in Egypt for the last two weeks and am so impressed by the youth of this country. They have chosen to express their disdain and rejection for the only government they have lived under since their birth. Based on disparity, poverty and brutality under a dictatorship. The youth of Egypt today comprise over 50% of the population and many are well educated without jobs.

I am totally impressed by their peaceful approach and their use of the Social Media to spread their message. I am completely in their corner and I expect it will eventually cause the downfall of the current government. Possibly this will become the roadmap for a global movement amongst the youth in other suppressed countries especially in the Middle East. The world is changing and it's about time to get rid of the old dictatorships who use fear to suppress the masses in order to line their own pockets.

The Internet is proving what a powerful vehicle this is globally. There is no turning back.

~ Tutte ~

Dreamtime

My beloved Arch came to me in a dream this morning. He often does but this time was different. He was so Real. I woke up in a strange mood, missing him profoudly but glad I had spent time with him. He has stayed with me all day so I was very sad as I wanted his physical presence with me, to feel his touch and hear his voice and laughter.

~ Tutte ~

Freshness

Today was a cold and windy day and my best girlfriend picked me up and we went down to the beach for a cup of coffee and then a brief walk. It was a most delightful and rare day for me. No doubt because of my lack of depression/anxiety and we were able to talk with any hint of sadness or tears. A delightful change for both of us. Even indulged in some much needed laughter.

I hope this will be repeated many times. There was something very refreshing about the cold air that seemed to affect me positively as well.

~ Tutte ~

At Rest at Last

It's been some time since I posted. I was recuperating from my devastating fall. Still bruises and scabs but the horrifying memory is fading as will the physical symptoms.

The good news is that my MD put me on a new medication 2 weeks ago that affects the Serotonin levels in the brain and it has had profound effects. I have been able to sleep between 8 - 10 hours every night. Doesn't matter what the hours are. I usually go to bed around 4 AM which is my natural Circadian Rhythm. What a blessing this has been. I am finally beginning to feel normal again. We have no idea how sleep deprivation affects not just the body but the mind as well. I have had much less Anxiety and Depression. It's no wonder since I have been living with sleep deprivation for 13 years after I took a graveyard shift at a hospital for 3 years. The pain and surgeries after that. Was never able to get back into a normal rhythm.

I pray it will continue. I want to become the Tutte I once was. Full of energy, a zest for life and laughter.

~ Tutte ~