Falling

I don't even know how to begin describing what was the most terrifying, physically challenging and helpless 3 hours I have ever spent.

I fell as I was getting up from the toilet on my way to bed. What happened, I have no idea. Perhaps I missed the support bar on the wall or my right leg gave out. I have noticed it has become weaker lately and assume that is due to the nerve damage and my spinal stenosis.

Regardless, I fell on my left side, cut my elbow and quickly discovered I couldn't move or get up. I almost panicked and felt totally helpless. The main problem was that since my left shoulder has been frozen for the last 10 years, I have absolutely no strength in that arm. There was nothing I could use for leverage with my right arm. I spent about 15 minutes lying there trying to figure out what to do. I knew I had to find a way otherwise I could have been lying there for days or weeks. I should probably keep my answering machine hooked up.

I began rocking my hips end back and forth so I could eventually face the doorway. Don't know how long that took me. From that point on, I was able to inch myself forward slowly. Probably took me over an hour to reach my bedroom rug which I thought would provide more traction. I realized that I would never be able to reach my phone so calling 911 was useless. I need leverage in order to get up with my artificial knees. I can't kneel on them anyway.

So slowly I continued at my snails pace and eventually reached the side of my bed. The challenge then became how to get up and roll into it. I mustered all the strength I had left and managed to shift my position so I could use my bed and the night table for leverage with my right arm and then finally rolled into bed totally exhausted. This entire exercise took over 3 hours.

Falling is always what I have feared the most but I discovered how little strength I have left. It scares me. And how helpless I am when it happens.

This incident confirmed how tenacious, determined and how much pain I can endure. But don't want to repeat that lesson.

I slept well and woke up with some pain and bruises and rug burns on my elbow which I expect will continue to surface over the days.

Perhaps it is time to think about getting Lifeline. Seems quite necessary when one lives alone and with health problems. I will look into it.

Anyway, I am okay tonight Thank God. An angel must have been watching over me.

~ Tutte ~

The Best Thing About Dreams

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake,
when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy,
when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.

~ Unknown Author ~

First Date

On our first date, my husband had a yellow rose bud in hand as he greeted me. Coincidentally, I wore a navy dress with tiny yellow rosebuds.

They became our symbol of love and needless to say were incorporated in my wedding bouquet and all the decorations.

On our first wedding anniversary I sent a bouquet to his office with the same flowes included in our wedding. Shortly after I received the same and assumed the Florist had made a mistake. I phoned and was told it had been delivered to the correct address, Needless to say, my husband had had the same thought. How synchronistic was that?

In my last letter to Arch the week he died, I included a yellow rosebud. The circle was complete. I will always treasure this flower for the Love it represents to me.

~ Tutte ~

Today's Tragedy

Once again my heart bleeds. Today, on behalf of all the victims of the Tragedy in Tuscon, Arizona. 20 innocent people were gunned down, 6 dead. For what? Some deranged young person who bought into the vitriolic diatribe continously perpetrated on the Inernet, Radio and TV spewing fear and hatred for the sake of ratings and profits.

I become exponentially pissed off with the world we live in. Is there, will there ever be a solution? I doubt it. I'm so happy I'm as old as I am and remember a peaceful time when there was no fear, could leave home without locking a door and the focus was on our helping our neighbours.

A time prior to the advance of High Technology/Gadgets and where there was no fear of being observed or where our privacy was invaded. A time in which autonomy was a given.

Had a long precious chat with my son Ryan in Japan and this topic came up for discussion. His response to my concern about 'Big Brother' (High Tech) was the we are all still free to use it or not. One must become aware that whatever is posted on the NET, phones etc. is available to the Globe. If one wants to retain some form of anonimity it is based on our choices. As are most things in life, except what the forces of Nature brings our way. Everything in life seems to always come back out our choices and accountabilty.

Of course there are many exceptions, particularly in terms of birthplace, family, backgrounde etc. that makes life far more challenging for some than others. I don't have an answer to all the questions that percolate in my mind but life seems so unfair for so many. WHY? will always be my question.

This High Tech revolution is happening so exponentially that no one has enough time to really study the overall effects on Society as a in the long term. Who will set in place the moral parameters and guidelines to provide some foundation? More questions?

~ Tutte ~

The Blessing of Friends

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject;
with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out,
just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~ Dinah Craik ~

Someday

Some Day I Won't Remember
How you smell or how you look
Some Day I Won't Remember
All the pieces of me you took
Some Day I Won't Remember
What it was like to kiss you in the rain
Some Day I Won't Remember
All the tears and all the pain

Some Day I Won't Remember
The feel of your skin
Some Day I Won't Remember
All our secrets and our sins
Some Day I Won't Remember
Staying up late at night to cry
Some Day I Won't Remember
That vivid blue-green color of your eyes
Some Day I Won't Remember
The passion that we used to share
Some Day I Won't Remember
What it felt like to have you there
Some Day I Won't Remember
The precious sound of your beating heart
And when that some day comes
I will entirely fall apart

~ Tatianna Rei Moonshadow ~

Can't Sleep

It's been erratic all month but since prior to Xmas it's become unbearable. I think I've had a maximum of 10 hours in the last 3 days. An hour or two here and there. Can barely function but my mind is in overdrive. I took a sleeping pill at noon today, it usually works in 10 minutes but not this time. I went to the bank instead and paid some bills.

My body becomes so compromised on many levels (tongue, toothache, the nerves in my legs (Spinal Stenosis), loss of appetite, Gallbladder and stomach so upset that I have lived on Ibuprofen, Tums and Alkazeltzers all week. It finally settled down somewhat tonight and I managed to have a bite to eat. It's the worst way to loose weight. Not that I need to anymore since I have lost over 100 in the last year due to my mouth problems. I mustered up some energy yesterday morning to make my favorite homemade spaghetti sauce and then couln't eat it. Thank God for my much too small freezer. It won't go to waste.

To end this on a more positive note, I finally received the form from the Gov't to pursue the retroactive refunds in Disability Credits. It is what I need in order to maintain hope to pay for any move in the future. But I know from past experiences, it can take up to 6 months for any response, so my gift of patience will come in handy.

On an even more positive tone, I received the most heartfelt letter and validation from a subscriber to my website www.portalstopeace.com. I receive quite a few but none like this one. She is living with tongue cancer and we have made a deep connection. The words she used and the way she was able to express herself is truly inspiring. There are so many loving and compassionate people out there that I would never have met had it not been for the Internet. So many things that I don't like about it but this NOT one of them. I have made so many wonderful friends from around the globe over the years that I remain in contact with.

~ Tutte ~