Memories of Youth

Then transition between youth and old age is something we can't relate to in our early years. It happens much too quickly as we discover and what is so sad is that the image that reflects our physical body as we age has nothing in common with our heart and mind. I find it very difficult to come to terms with.

~ Tutte ~

Love Cures

Embrace

The Illusive Embrace that I constantly yearn for and constantly relied upon in the past.

~ Tutte ~

Star Catcher

Hoping to catch another soon. I have sent out a multitude of wishes over the years. Few have materialized...except for 3. My beloved Archie and my two sons. I have been greatly blessed in the areas where it really counts. I feel so grateful for having had loving and caring parents and a multitude of friends over the year who have been supportive and accepted me as I am.

~ Tutte ~

Grief - A Poem that Resonates

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

~ Gwen Flowers ~

I want to add to this, that Grief not only applies to the loss of a Loved one. It includes all losses. Some are easier to adjust to than others. I certainly know that regardless of how devastating I view my own, they are nothing in comparison to what others suffer.

I am reminded of all the young men and women who return from wars with major injuries, whether mental or physical (the physical are easier to recognize) but especially for those who have suffered major burns to their faces and have lost all resemblance to the person who once looked back at them in the mirror.

My empathy has always been focused towards burn victims. If you can't recognize yourself when looking in a mirror then how and by what means do you identify yourself? And how do others? It's the most horrifying injury in my opinion. Yet some have managed and become very inspirational beings. That requires far more courage than I have and I know I have a lot. I expect the human spirit is the strongest force of all. Provided there is a great deal of support and love. Without that, I expect most would opt out. Why I am sometimes tempted to.

~ Tutte ~

A Respite from Insomnia

I actually slept 9 hours last night. What a blessing.

Perhaps it was due to speaking on the phone for 5 hours with several people throughout the day and trying out an anti-depressant that my MD had given me the day before.

I am so unfamiliar now by being held captive by other's need to talk and fighting to get a word in edgewise that it becomes so fatiguing. Just confirmed my decision to silence my phone. Few are really capable of a mutual exchange since their own need talk over rides their ability to listen. I have always been a listener and have never really understood the underlying reason why most people suffer from verbal diarrhea. I expect it is due to the fact that they have never really been Heard so there is a need to speak incessantly. Sadly, they learn little from that type of exchange and it becomes a one sided conversation.

Archie, my husband was a fantastic listener and probably why we meshed so well. We always HEARD each other and felt validated. Validation is what everyone craves, sadly. Little do the talkers realize they won't receive it unless they can listen and validate the person they are talking AT. Probably why some peoples memories are so poor. If you don't ask the other person questions, constantly interrupt, then what is there to remember. I don't expect it will ever change.

I will continue to keep my phone silenced. I will initiate a phone call when I am prepared to be advised, judged and invalidated.

~ Tutte ~

Suitcase

I am so ready to leave for another journey and yet as much as I think I have packed my bags, I am still tied to some unfinished business and so this one has not yet been accomplished. How long???

~ Tutte ~

Parched

I am so parched from lack of sleep. Maximum 3 - 5 hours a day for the last few weeks.

~ Tutte ~

The Clock

Seems to have lost all meaning as I am still in the throws of Insomnia. We gage our activities and habits around time and this option is no longer present since I have no routine whatsover. It's so debilitating. Perhaps I will have to start taking sleeping pills. I am not and never have been a pill consumer but perhaps I no longer have that option.

~ Tutte ~

Orphanhood

As much as I try to distance myself from my state of being, the reality is that I, for the first time in my life, feel like an Orphan. I have not only lost my Parents but everyone else in my family whether my Death, Distance or Discord. It is a constant state of sorrow that I don't know how to overcome. I once had a life and a family of loving connections and today, I don't. My only connection is with my son Ryan who lives in Japan and my step-children in Calgary, Alberta. That is intermittent and with long pauses.

My oldest son, Shaun who lives 10 minutes from me, has distanced himself. We had to walk out of the Movie Bambi when he was a toddler because he couldn't deal with his emotions. We spent countless hours watching Sesame Street together with him sitting on my lap but when a certain segment came on about the letter I, with very ominous music, he would jump off my lap and leave the room. It disturbed him. I don't really understand his sensitivity but I can't judge. No doubt he doesn't understand himself and his responses either. It has taken me a lifetime of trying to understand my own and still don't know for sure. He did the same when his Dad was in the dying process. He couldn't communicate with him or go into the same room although they had been the greatest friends for 17 years. I believe he can't deal with anything emotionally painful. He is a very sensitive being and has been hurt profoundly in his teen years with the death of his father and the betrayal by his First love with his best friend. My situation is too difficult, I am sure, for him to deal with. Why he has stated that he doesn't know what to talk to me about. He is however, always happy to see me and gives me a big hug. That is reassuring. We have no discord between us. At least as far as I know. Perhaps he holds some resentments from his childhood that I am unaware of. I don't think I will ever have an answer to that question.

Regardless of all the work I have done within myself to come to grips with all the individuals and circumstances, including my sister, the one person I really need today and have had to divorce because of her bullying. The bottom line is that TODAY, I find myself without any family around to comfort me or provide me with youthful life, laughter, going down memory lane, distractions and support.

This must be what it feels like for an orphaned child who doesn't have the luxury of having the memories that I do for sustenance. I cannot even attempt to walk in their shoes. Life just isn't fair and I am pissed off with it all.


~ Tutte ~

Fractured Existence

It's been a horrific week of major Insomnia again. I don't know what causes this to happen but I have barely slept more than 4 hours a day/night and not always in a stretch. I know the underlying cause is my profound sorrow and financial worries but I often seem to keep them at a distance. However they are a constant underlying current that I can only suppress for so long. Tonight, I was so exhausted that I had to go to bed at 7PM which is totally opposite to the early 7AM that I have become familiar with. I woke up at midnight and didn't know if it was noon or night.

I am so grateful to have Computer Games to play that distract me from the Internal Dialogue that plagues me and I spend far too many hours gaming versus what I would really enjoy and would provide me with a sense of personal satisfaction and productivity. I am stymied. I know what I would love to do but have no means to make it possible. With my current life pattern that is so out of sync with Normal life, I have to find an avenue to pass the time. I abhor this way of living and so desperately wish it wasn't so.

I am SO Sad and Frustrated and don't know anymore how to extricate myself without some financial means. Still waiting for the Government to give me that outlet. I could phone and initiate a conversation around my Income Tax Adjustment claim but I am so hesitant to do that. My primary reason is that as long as I don't know I have been denied, I can keep Hope Alive. I need that desperately. It's my only link to a happier future. Should I discover that I am denied, I will be totally CRUSHED and then someone just give me a rope. What then is left?


~ Tutte ~

I Want the Light of Life to Shine on Me Once Again

I Just Want To Fly

I am so ready to spread my wings and fly into the unknown whether here on Earth or to another dimension. I just cannot tolerate living this way any longer.

~ Tutte ~

Inner Reflections

This reflects some aspects of the environment I need to nurture me as I go down Memory Lane on a daily basis. That versus sitting behind my PC 5 feet from my bed, looking at the bathroom sink and 5 feet from the toilet. How discordant and opposite to any environment I have ever lived in. I once lived in a 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom home. The entrance was a big as my total space today. It really feels like a prison cell. IT IS!!! Especially for someone who always had a home (size was of little concern as long as it was cozy) and a garden and freedom of movement. Is it any wonder I developed PTSD on top of all I had gone through before I moved in here? I think not!

~ Tutte ~

Dancing for My Beloved

Dancing was a huge part of our life together. Arch was a good dancer and we knit together from the first. It remained a constant in our lives up until the 4 months before the end. There were times when I would dance and entertain him whether by belly dancing or my Hawaiian intepretation to the record I picked up on our Honeymoon. He was always a captive and appreciative audience and I loved doing it for him.

There were no Poles back in those days, but I probably would have Pole danced as well. Might have kept me more in shape :)



~ Tutte ~

Constant Visits from the Departed

They provide me with a great deal of comfort on a daily basis whether via my memories or in my dreams.

~ Tutte ~

Love Extensions

Occasionally we have moments of clarity and I was delighted to have one of those tonight.

I finally understood for the first time what my husband had been telling me for the 20 years we were together. "I Love Loving You." I thought I understood but I hadn't, really. He always said he loved me more than I loved him and I had to concur without really understanding the depth of his capacity to love. What an example he was. He taught me much then and still does.

Tonight I was feeling so desperately lonely in my isolation, that it wasn't so much about the company of those that I love being absent, but my lack of ability to extend my love towards them. Having spent the majority of my life as a daughter, wife and mother, those were roles I fufilled with my utmost love and attention. They were a natural extension of my being. They were taken away from me in my mid 50's and it's been very difficult to come to terms with. In fact, I never have.

For me love has never been about receiving but in the giving. It's always been part of 'the who I am'. A Nurturer. Why I have loved My beloved Archie, my family, my 2 beautiful Sons and my adored pets and plants. I have always put everyone else first so since loosing my beloved Myki, my last outlet, there has been a huge void and perhaps why I have this constant craving in the pit of my heart and stomach that nothing can relieve.

It felt good however sad, to come to this realization. This will change my perception and I will think about options of what I might do to find another outlet in the future. That's a hopeful thought.

~ Tutte ~

Seperation

A representation of the world of illusion that seperates us. If we only understood.

The breath and blow of a Loving Global Intention would/could dispel it all.

I know I am an Idealist but make no excuse. That is how I desire to see the world. No Descrimination, No Wars, No Political Discord, No Famine, No Hunger, No Poverty. There is enough on this planet on every level to sustain us all. If only the Ego would get out of the way.

~ Tutte ~

Lille Tutte Pige (Little Tutte Girl)

I felt so unbelievably sad and lonely today that I found myself speaking to myself outloud in Danish with words that my mother would have said to me as a little girl. That is what I STILL AM. I desperately need someone to kiss my booboo.

Believe me that wasn't easy since I never speak Danish anymore but still came quite naturally as a voice from the very distant past. It comforted me.

~ Tutte ~

AFTERWORD TO MY UNFINISHED BIOGRAPHY

Just as the caterpillar reaches the end of its feeding frenzy in order to move into the next stage of its evolution, so I feel I have reached that point in my life. I have tasted a great variety of leaves, some were unexpectedly sweet others very bitter. Now I am searching for the right branch upon which I will suspend myself and create my cocoon. When I find it, I will attach my weakened body but with a spirit so strong and full of anticipation for what lies ahead and evolve into an awe inspiring butterfly and a free spirit. I have full confidence that when the time comes to emerge from my cocoon, my wings will fill with the fluid of God's energizing life force, expand and spread in the warmth of the loving light that will envelope and infuse me.

A caterpillar is unaware that it will have the potential to fly thousands of miles across continents. It is so far beyond its limited experience of crawling along a branch searching for the next leaf and so I have no concept of what ultimately awaits me. My mind is incapable. My Spirit however, is Open to the Unlimited. The anticipation is difficult to describe as the analogy of the caterpillar and butterfly is all I can relate to.

I look forward to getting my wings and flying into the unexpected and unknown. What an Adventure!

My Dream Life during Sleep has always amazed me. I have memories going back to my baby years and 100's in my memory bank. I can't describe them except in snippets now and then to friends. I do know I have spent a large part of my life living somewhere between the Here and There. I always preferred the THERE. And so to that Realm I will return.

I know you will all join me eventually and I look forward to reconnecting again as more evolved and enlightened beings.

With Peace and Love to all who read this, Tutte

I know this is very premature but since I may never finish my Biography, I feel this message is important enough to include here. We never know when the call arrives to invite us back to the Mystical and Mysterious. Or REALITY? I think the world we live in is an Illusion on most levels. The Unknown Dimension looks far more preferable.

My World

Our living spaces can become nurturing homes for our bodies and Souls when we make sure that our surroundings accurately reflect who we are as individuals and who we aspire to become; no matter how positive and creative you may be in your inner world, if your home or work surrounds are contradictory or present energetic barriers, you are like to find it difficult to manifest all that your desire.

By paying attention to the flow of energy around you, you can align your inner intentions with your outer realities to make your life a conscious act of creation.
~ Unknown Author ~

A comfortable home and a nesting place is what we all need. For some it is a mud hut and others a million dollar mansion. So much depends on our expectations and the culture we live within. But a place of comfort is absolutely necessary. A mud hut is far preferable to lying under goat skin on the desert floor.

My space is so incongruent to every home I have ever lived in and what I can no longer deal with regardless of my level of patience. 6 Years is too much and my life is getting shorter. I am finally able to embrace MOVING. I no longer have any choice if I want to remain mentally intact. I will insert a quote below I just received that provides some insight for me. In fact, it has left a huge impact and ties in with what I have learnt through A Course in Miracles. Will expand further when I have time to let it integrate. For the moment, it seems to all make sense.

~ Tutte ~

My Soul is Yearning to Expand and Grow

The soul is always yearning to expand and grow. This is the reason why we are subconsciously drawn to home environments that can give us what we need at a particular point in time. The homes we choose often provide what we most need to progress on our journey towards wholeness. Some of these environments may seem to lack harmony or even have unpleasant aspects, but they always offer us an opportunity to grow.

Your dwelling is an outward expression of your inner being, and on a very profound level it is also a place where you can grow spiritually. In the deepest sense, your personal space is a sharply accurate mirror of your subconscious desires, hopes, fears, and dreams. It reveals your beliefs and decisions about yourself and the world. It is a reflection of your identity.

Just as we are drawn to individuals and experiences that contribute to our spiritual growth, so too we may seek environments that can help us to learn the lessons that we need in life. The Dalai Lama once remarked that you don't learn tolerance from your friends. What this means is that it is sometimes the people you find the most disagreeable who have the most to teach you. This is true with our homes as well.

~ Denise Linn ~