Shush

You will never understand me unless you take the time to listen and quiet the voice within your own mind that has an agenda.

This is something we should all keep in the forefront when communicating with others. I have attempted to all my life but am still aware of how much I have to learn. The last years of isolation and being mute have provided invaluable lessons.

~ Tutte ~

KISS

I was surprised to come across this image and quote tonight since it is such an affirmation to me.

Several months after my beloved Arch died in the living room, (I was absent for 5 minutes when the nurse arrived at the moment of his death.) I dreamt twice of being in his presence when he died. The first was quite natural and normal but the second was extraordinary in that we were sharing a kiss as he died and I Inhaled his last breath.

I woke up in a state of utter disbelief, amazement and confusion. But felt very reassured that our souls would be bound together forever. I know they are without any understanding of the hows and whys. Perhaps they always have been and we are just reconnecting repeatedly. When two people have loved each other unconditionally to the depth that we did, then what could ever seperate that? Nothing regardless of our challenges and hardships managed to, this time.

Perhaps they never have and we just keep reconnecting to help each other in the lessons we need to learn for our souls growth. Whether that is right or wrong doesn't matter to me. I choose to think that is the way it is meant to be. What other purpose could there possibly be for life and our existence?

Love is ALL THERE IS!!!

~ Tutte ~

THE PAIN

There is no way to release the pain of love and loss. There might be band-aids to apply but I haven't found any. Especially under my circumstances when I don't have the option of distractions.

~ Tutte ~

Dreams of Saturdays Long Gone

Arch and I danced all the time whether in Clubs or at home in the kitchen while I was preparing dinner. We had our last dance as we were preparing dinner for the family Xmas night, 4 months before he died.

~ Tutte ~

Wasting Time

So totally bored with that I am ready to jump out of my skin. I became addicted because of my disabilities. It's one more addiction to overcome. The less one does, the less one wants to do. And visa versa as has been my past experience. I loved that as I felt so productive.

No doubt this constant current sense of restlessness will propel me forward to something new. It has to. A new experience. It means I am no longer able to accept the status quo. I have for much too long because I was paralyzed by my PTSD. I seem to be moving forward thank god.

~ Tutte ~

It's Halloween

Ready to get on a broom and fly somewhere else.

~ Tutte ~

HOPE

Hope is like the bird who senses the dawn
and carefully starts to sing whie it is still dark.

~ Author Unknown ~

STILLNESS - Where I want to Reside

Come to the place of stillness
a place of calm knowing
that carries you into the sanctuary

Waves of sound heard and unheard
an oasis for the soul that unfolds
and dwells in profound silence

~Author Unknown ~

Halloween

Everyday is Halloween to me since this is the image that reflects back at me minus the upper teeth when I look in the mirror and why I must extricate myself from this Tomb I have been living in for over 6 years. I remain motivated and have Faith it WILL occur.

~ Tutte ~

Childhood Tears

I just came across this photo and it spoke volumes to me and brought back so many memories. I suppose what I love about having started this blog is that it allows me to explore emotions that are initiated by a specific image. They take me into areas I rarely explore.

I related so well to this one. It reminded me of all the tears I shed in my childhood for various reasons and were rarely affirmed or comforted. I guess why I eventually learnt not to cry. Wish I could but never do. I have to leave off for now and think about all those emotions that have resurfaced much to my surprise.

No doubt it is the same for everyone as we are all still trying to overcome that period of our lives when we were the most vulnerable to the worst aspect of human behaviour directed towards us and became wounded phychologically as a result. We all ARE!!! So Goddamned sad!

~ Tutte ~

The Face of POVERTY speaks for ITSELF

There is such an excess of gluttony and food wasteage in the Western World that there is no need for anyone to go hungry. Millions of pounds of food are plowed under or deposited in dumpsites every year. My tears intermingle with this woman's. I don't know what the solution is as long as the almighty dollar rules. What happened to Christ's message of 'Feed the Hungry'?

~ Tutte ~

Fenced In

This is still a current state of being and with my new found anticipation for change, I am becoming very restless. The wires become more restrictive. In fact, blood continues to appear under my skin on my arms every morning I awaken. Not sure what the cause is. I suspect it is my nails that embed in the flesh of my arms as I attempt to turn over in my sleep.

~ Tutte ~

Who Am I Really In the Big Scheme of Things

This is the question that has followed me my entire life. I always veiwed myself in the spectrum of a larger picture. I looked for guidance and couldn't find any. Impossible in the formative years when I recognized even then, I was different. In the teen years I thought I had found it through Religion and then sadly discovered it didn't provide me with the answers I needed. The 'Teachers' had far too many weaknesses themselves and couldn't live up the the principles they espoused.

Have always been on a search but realized much later in life, that I contain all the answers within. It is a long and ardous, often painful journey of introspection to determine our own truth. but I knew since childhood that some of us just don't FIT IN. And Never Will! The conundrum occurs on a much deeper level for some, than for most people who are very capable of function in the 'real' world. I expect my experience is similarly experienced by Gays, Transgendered and Lesbian individuals. And certainly by the American Blacks and other disfranchised groups of people. How dare anyone make Judgements!

The most severe judgements seem to arrive from Religious Communities whose doctrines are supposedly based in Christ's teachings of non-judement and forgiveness.

The World/Politics/Religions are based in Hypocracy and I have removed myself except as an observer.

I knew I didn't fit in as a Child and as an Adult I don't either. I am blessed to know that I am still part of a larger enlightened commumity somewhere out there.

~ Tutte ~

A Peaceful Sleep Ahead I Expect

Thank God, I have not had any major bouts of Insomnia since last I wrote about it. In fact, having between 6 - 9 hours restfull sleep a night. I Pray it will continue.

~ Tutte ~

Hurdles

When faced with life's hurdles we always wish for The Hand of God to reach down and rescue us. I sure know I do when they become too ovewhelming. It usually does in very sublte ways of which we are consciously unaware and often don't meet our immediate needs. Patience is the key along with the faith that everything is happening perfectly in the moment. Very difficult concept to embrace. For me as well.

~ Tutte ~

Flower Pot

I find this image very compelling because about 20 years ago I spent an entire evening contemplating the idea of how to create pottery planters to enhance a specific plant so as they would appear as a head with 'hair'. I still have a list somewhere of all my various ideas and combinations incorporating what image would marry with a certain plant. There is nothing new under the sun I believe. Ideas spread via a universal connectedness and will be expressed differently. I guess the message is that we when get a 'unique' idea we should act upon it before someone else does. We are all so tied together whether we realize it or not.

~ Tutte ~

Expecting

That all the necessary elements will manifest for me so I can move forward with my new found Hope.

~ Tutte ~

Childhood Memories

This is a very poignant image to me since it brings up so many sweet memories of my childhood that were spent alone but in peace and enjoying nature and having the patience to wait for a tug on my fishing pole.

~ Tutte ~

Hope Is All That Is Left

I continue to hold the Light of Hope between my hands, heart and mind desiring a brighter future.

~ Tutte ~

Bored

God how I can relate. I have spent the last 6 years in a constant state of boredom. Were it not for my PC I would have gone insane for sure. Even with that tool available there are still times during the day, I feel that way. How many PC games, Photo/Community sites can fill the hours in a day? I am so ready to move beyond and revisit all my past hobbies. I just need space, light and a change of environment. Another major impetus to why I Must move out of this cell of confinement.

~ Tutte ~

Observation from a distance

This image struck a chord within me. I relate because as I have been hanging on by a tread for years, there have been obsevers who probably felt helpless in terms of reaching out not knowing what they could do to help me. I was unable to ask for help so the responsibility is mine alone.

~ Tutte ~

The Key

The Key to Survival is Hope. This week's unbelievably riveting television broadcast of the recovery of the Miners in Chile was a prime example. A major inspiration for me.

~ Tutte ~

Keeping Hope Alive

After a week or so, I still am and what a difference it has made. I can sleep normally and wake up without a death wish. This must continue and I expect it will. It is really up to me. I love this new state of being. What a shift!!!

~ Tutte ~

Fire, Water, Earth and Air

I just discovered this series of photographs. They speak to me on many levels in terms of both Global and my Internal Evolution.
~ Tutte~

Anticipation and Hope

This newly discovered sense of hope and anticipation for a better future is helping me to leave all my negative thoughts of the past many years, in the fish bowl of captivity where they were contained and restricted. I so desperately want to expel myself from that environment. I MUST! I WILL!!!

~ Tutte ~

A New Attitude

For the second time in the last month, I have experienced moments of joy and a new found sense of Hope. I pray it will continue.

~ Tutte ~

Once Again

Humans have polluted this precious planet with dire consequences. The current Toxic Sludge in Hungary is just as devastating as the Gulf Oil Spill. Will anyone ever think of long term consequences? I doubt it because the almighty dollar will always be the driving force.

Crossroads

There are many times in our lives when we come to a crossroad of choices we must make. Either by volition or because circumstances dictate the necessity. I have always attempted to choose the path to Peace however difficult. I know that for everyone based on personal experience and circumstances, it is a very difficult one to make and why many often choose the Path of least resistance. I make no judgements. I was forced into making the ones I did. However, I did have a choice whether to choose to feel victimized, angry and unforgiving or to learn from the challenges that were presented to me. I have attempted to take the Path on the 'Right' for my own benefit/peace and for others.

~ Tutte ~

Patience

Breaking a Link in the Chain of My Entrapment

I have been feeling so much better in the last couple of days. Sleep perhaps is the underlying factor but I believe it is more about my re-awakened sense of Hope, need for a Change and the motivation to make it happen.

It was a gorgeous sunny warm day so went out to run a few errands. Hadn't been in a Mall for a long time and ended up in a book store. A favorite watering hole of mine on a regular basis in the past. I looked for a book that had tweaked my interest a year ago when it was Published and I bought it. An autobiography by one of my favorite comedians, Craig Ferguson. I go to bed with him every night. Watching on TV that is. Now I hope I will have the ability to focus and retain the content without the ability to read in bed, at a table or in a comfy chair. I will have to find another spot that is conducive. The toilet perhaps. One of my greatest wishes is to be able to read in bed again, a habit for 40 years or have a chair or table. Why I must move. I keep checking the Classifieds and know something will materialize when the time is right. Regardless, just to have the interest in buying a book was a major step forward. Haven't bought one in over 10 years.

Something is shifting in My Psyche and I am so grateful. I expect there will be ups and downs but this is quite a new experience for me so I will hang on to the knowledge that something is happening and be patient. Each moment of positive thinking will build upon the last and during that process I am relieved from my Anxiety. It's a huge blessing.

~ Tutte ~

Loneliness and the Elderly

This has been my view since I moved into this place that primarily is filled with Widows. It breaks my heart knowing thy are experiencing the same pain as I do. That seems to be the most common condition for older women. Widowhood I mean. Why most women have to live longer than their spouses, is the question. I guess because we can deal with it better based on lives of sacrifice, putting others first and patience etc. Men usually die shortly after they have become widowers. I write that based on my Hospice experience and all the reading I have done. How can men survive alone after a life of having a lover, listener, supporter, cook, waitress, laundress, housekeeper, etc. etc. The list could go on. Their loss of a spouse affects so many areas of their lives they have never had to deal with.

~ Tutte ~

Tender Touch

I have discovered that via the Net, people whom I don't know, but who have connected with me via my Website www.portalstopeace.com or other community sites, have provided me with that tender touch of connection. I love that and need it. I have made some wonderful friends as a result.

~ Tutte ~

Family

Families are composed of a variety of members. 'Family' implies more than one. I am sadly lacking any family member in my life today, at least on a physical level. I can't describe how much I miss that and yearn. Yearning is ever present on a daily basis and why I will never overcome my profound sorrow unless some change occurs whether internal or externally.

Every thought, action, activity, desire, stimulation etc. is a constant reminder of what I yearn for that I experienced in the past. Without the means of creating a change to this Spirit Sucking environment I live in, I have no idea how to overcome and move forward. Yet Hope remains and for that I am grateful.

~ Tutte ~

Envy

Is a new aspect of my personality that I am having to confront at this time of life. I have never/ever been jealous or envious prior to. Now I am being forced to look at this darker side of myself and I don't like it.
However, based on my circumstances and constantly being reminded of all the activities and choises that my friends have in order to experience their lives to the fullest, I AM ENVIOUS. It's wonderful and I am so happy on their behalf and hope those experience will continue for them. They should barring some health problems since they have the means. But it is a huge reminder to me of what different paths our lives are on and why I am no longer able to relate to them or they to me. I hate being in this situation. I don't desire/need cruises, new homes, dinners out etc. I just need to know I can survive tomorrow.
Is in any wonder I feel so isolated and have had to distance myself? I just don't want to be reminded of the disparity between myself and others.

~ Tutte ~

The Comfort of Animal Companionship

This image touched a deep chord within me. It reminded me of the loss this month a year ago of my beloved cat/companion Myki for 8 of my loneliest years. Regardless of how progressively lonely I became, there was always a loyal companion to touch and cuddle and who returned the affection unconditionally. When alone, the need to be able to touch another living being is paramount as is their expression in whatever manner it is extended. A paw, a claw, a lick, purr or a growl. It is in having the ability to extend and express love and to receive it in whatever form it arrives. Animals are healers, especially for the elderly and why they are being brought into nursing homes and LTC facilities. I think as we all age and loose more and more of our friends and family what is often overlooked, is how that affects us on so many levels. We miss the ability of having physical contact. No one left to cuddle with, kiss or even hug. I know I still miss my Myki and always will.

~ Tutte ~

The Distress of Waking Up

I recently went through a major period of insomnia and then all of a sudden it changed. Why, I'm not sure. Perhaps because I was having this wonderful dream a few nights ago in which I had just won $285,000 from the Lottery and was so overjoyed and relieved. I was envisioning how I could share this with my boys and make their lives easier and I was projecting how my life would change and all the things I would be able to do. A newfound freedom that I have so desperately craved for much too long. I was on my way to the bank to deposit the cheque when I woke up for a pee. The difference between the joy of the dream and the nightmare of my reality hit me like a brick. I still haven't recovered.

My insomia was left in the dust by waking up too early, and I was unable to stay awake until midnight that evening. I have been in a pattern of not being able to stay awake past 10pm and then waking up around 6. I hate that. Makes an unproductive day much too long and far more stressful. A long sleep however, beats insomnia but I would like to find an equilibium. Wake up at 10am and go to bed at 2am. Perhaps one of these days.

~ Tutte ~

Veils

This is my subtle statement around the need to cover up the beauty of women by Religions. Today the Burka is in the forefront and the cause to have it become a choice versus a law is one we should all be behind.

Controlling women seems to be the focus. I suspect that most men whose ego/brain resides between their legs is the major factor. Women are the greatest threat to their 'perceived' manhood. Doesn't matter if it is in the Islamic World on in the Christian. Women are excluded and considered subservient. When will the world finally wake up to Equality. Truth be known, women are the superior race. Not only do they have brains in the right area but are also able to reproduce. What a combination! Love it! I could really get on my soapbox on this topic but won't.

I grew up with a father who considered women as subservient (there can only be one Captain on a ship) so that gives me a foundation for my opnion. The dicotomy is that he had 3 daughters and brought us all up as if we were boys. As a result, none of us were the subservient women in his life that he had envisioned. He was often stymied as he was so torn between his perceptions and the reality of his own creations. He got what he wanted but in the wrong body. I do believe or at least wish to, that he came to terms with all of it before his death. I believe he did. Time has a way of changing all of us. Sure made for some very interesing discussion over many years.

~ Tutte ~

Oh Joy

I have slept through the night for the last 2 days and awakened at a normal time. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will continue. Makes functioning so much easier.

~ Tutte ~

Locked In

I am so locked in to all the external circumstances over which I have no control. Sleep deprivation this week being a major factor and impacts everything else.
Why...oh Why?

~ Tutte ~

Insomnia - a note I made to myself last December

Am I F..ked up or what?

I went to bed at 3 am this morning and woke up feeling so glad when I looked at my bedside clock and saw it was 5. I couldn't believe I had slept for so long but relieved I had bypassed another day of daylight. I woke up to the sound of a black choir singing beautifully in my dream. I thought that sure beat any alarm clock which I don't use anyway. It was dark outside as it was 5 pm. Brushed my teeth, washed my face, got my coffee etc. and then I sat down at my PC as I usually do and checked my Email and there was nothing new. That didn't seem right so I checked the clock on my PC. Yep it's 5 alright but it's in the morning and means I have only slept 2 hours. What a huge disappointment. What will I do now? I guess I only have one choice and that is to hit the sack again. But.....can I sleep? I guess I will find out. I feel so let down.

~ Tutte ~