Breaking through the pain and disabilities

It's been a long and painful four months since my fall and am beginning to improve slowly. Have been going for Physio treatments once a week and doing daily exercises, all painful but I am gaining more mobility and not so dependent on others. It's been a huge learning curve which I will write about soon. Just wanted to touch base tonight to let everyone know who has followed my blog that the future is looking more positive. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts of concern.

~Peace, Tutte

Rethinking the Bucket List: Kathleen Taylor at TEDxTampaBay

The Lines on My Face

 

Describes me perfectly.

~Tutte~

 

Life Spent with Someone

 

I was fortunate enough to spend 20 years with my beloved husband, 37 years with my best Buddy Allan and 9 years with my first teacher in what unconditional love is, my grandfather.

I have been truly blessed.

~Tutte ~

Another Devastating Fall

 

I fell in my kitchen and broke my right shoulder unbeknownst to me so lived with it for 1 month before seeking medical advice despite the most excruciating pain I have ever endured. I had my reasons based on past hospital visits.

Once the severity of the break was diagnosed, resulting in a partial shoulder replacement, I have been unable to type and therefore my silence. 

Will update in the future. It's been a very interesting process on many levels.

 ~ Tutte ~

Lara Fabian Adagio - ti trovero nel silenzio lyrics in English

O silêncio - Nini Rosso & Dalida

Silence reigned in the dark and deep night

A pallid ray of dull moonlight struck the fountain

When a low groan through the breeze was heard

And here, on this edge, the specter showed itself to me!

Ah! As if to speak, I saw it move its lips

And with its lifeless hand it seemed to call to me

It stood a moment immobile, then swiftly it disappeared

And the water, before so limpid, with blood reddened, yes!
He is light to my days! He is comfort to my soul!

When carried away in ecstasy of the most burning ardor,

With speaking of the heart, to me he swears eternal faith.

I forget my anxieties, joy replaces my weeping

It seems to me that when I am near him

Heaven opens itself for me.

 

In memory of my Beloved's Death 18 years ago today.

~ Tutte~

Another fall but without Injury

I was out late last night to have my last few puffs. It was raining gently and I was enjoying the moment and the scents. All of a sudden without any awareness, I lost my balance and began to stumble forward.(Having major nerve problems in my right leg which almost caused a car accident when I couldn't put enough pressure on the brake)  I managed to stick my hand out the left window to alert the gal coming into the intersection to stop which she did. Sure scared me. Have been driving since without a similar experience by drive very slowly up to a stop sign.
  
Fortunately I have now had so many falls that I recognize what happens when I loose my balance. If I can't recover quickly, the momentum will increase resulting in a fall to my face. My arms have become so weak that it never occurs to me to break my fall by extending my arms.

Last night, I had my wits about me and once the stumble occurred, I decided the best outcome would be for me to just sit down, which I did. Fortunately, I had my new Cell Phone with me so I immediately called 911 and asked for some assistance to hoist me up. It confirmed that I had practiced enough to know how the phone works. I had never used it so that was very reassuring.

While I waited for assistance to come, I has the time to have a few puffs as I was sitting on a wet pavement. An ambulance arrived with two fellows who each grabbed an arm and I walked me home.

I really don't want to go through this again. I have 6 falls in the last year. As a result I am having so many structural and nerve problem from the middle of my spine radiating out to my shoulders and down to my foot, so will have to see my Chiropractor this week. Just can't stand the pain any longer since it interferes with every aspect of my movement and mobility.

Will update.

~ Tutte ~

A Great Message

A Sweet Remembrance initiated by a lovely photo

As a child living in Denmark, we had a neighbour down the road who had a summer cottage that was unoccupied. On one particular day as I was out exploring I discovered their garden and all the red strawberries ready for picking. I was probably around 4 at the time and was so tempted that I went ahead and picked and ate the berries to my hearts content until my stomach was so full I couldn't eat another. I went home and never said a thing. I expect with some sense of guilt but not really sure why although I had been brought indoctrinated with the 10 Commandment. One was not to steal.

As the days passed I began to feel more and more guilty but still never said a word or confessed to my transgression.

My beloved grandfather got his driver's License at the age of 72 and purchased a car. On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, now at age 5, we went for a drive in the country side and part of my tip included my education in terms of how to recognize different grains fields. Was it wheat, rye, oats, etc. I became quite good. The unexpectedly we approached a different landscape, No fields of growth but rather barren ground with a few areas of lawn and then suddenly a large 2 story building appeared. I asked what it was and I was told that it was a prison. I asked for an explanation of what a prison was and was told it was where people go who have stolen things. My profound long lasting feeling of guilt resurface and with my one question convicted myself. My question was, "Do people who steal strawberries go to prison?" Today I don't remember what the response was because of the sound of laughter. For a 5 year old.....that meant I was innocent. It was however a great lesson and one I have carried with me all my life and why it is such a profound memory. I have the ability to remember moments in my life where there are snapshots in my mind so that I don't need a photo to remind me.

~ Tutte~

Another Miracle happened today

I had an experience today that really frightened me. I was driving around my neighbourhood looking at all the new spring growth. Bulbs, trees and shrubs. It's my favorite season and although this drive is so bittersweet because I want to be out in my own garden, I don't want to deny myself the joy of sight and smell during this period of renewal and regrowth.

As I had done my regular run and came up to a stop sign and was trying to brake noticing a Van on my left approaching me, I realized that the brake wasn't responding. Fortunately the Van was going at a slow speed which allowed me to stick my hand out my window to signal the driver to stop, which she did. It wasn't until I had crossed the road that I was able to stop my car. This of course leaves all kinds of questions as to why this would occur. Is the brakes or a weakness in my foot and leg. I managed to pull into a driveway, back out and drive home without any further problems. I am aware that my body has become so compromises with nerve problems and have no strength in my upper body and my legs have become very unstable. Have no idea what is happening but expect it has to do with falling on my head so many times causing injuries to my neck and spine along with my Spinal Stenosis.  Will visit my MD. and Chiro this week. I am beginning to feel very insecure on so many levels. Makes me now wonder if my foot has been the cause of my latest falls.

Regardless, I am so grateful that once again, something/one. I hesitate to use the terms angels but perhaps that is what it that come to intervene on my behalf. Had the driver of the Van been driving too fast and not aware of my hand signal, we would have had an accident.

I am so blessed to have received so many interventions in very different circumstances. I call them miracles because that is how they feel to me. I have had so many over lifetime and don't know what other term to use. They are no longer coincidences to me. Just too many over my life time. I could write about many but won't.

~Tutte~

In Retrospect

It's difficult now to remember how desperate I was for so many years and entertained this image as a means to an end. Fortunately due to my recent medication, this image is gone but I must confess that if some disease or accident happened to me I would be happy.
I don't suffer from anxiety on the level that I did, no physical symptoms thank God, but I still have no desire to wake up so in fact, I tend to sleep 12 hours a day. I think I have mentioned I have a fantastic and an unusual dream life, a dimension in which I encounter all my beloved ones, kind strangers as well and in so many different environments around the globe. I have no rational explanation as to why this occurs to me why  it has occurred from the time I was born. Remember 100's. But waking up from one of my dreams I am confronted with another day of the same old, same old. And profound loneliness. My only company is the computer and the TV. Both are an exercise in the virtual world. So I seem to live somewhere between dimensions versus the real world and must admit I much prefer that for the moment. It's is a form of escape from all the mental demons that pursued me for the last 12 years. .

On a more positive note, I want to say that my life has improved greatly since I moved 18 months ago despite my two hospitalizations due to falls. Had another recently, hit my head again but I was able to get up. Just another huge hematoma on my forehead. 

The improvement is no doubt due to my meds. They have allowed me to escape the constant negative hamster in wheel of my brain. However, the underlying reasons will be ever present. Primarily the loss of all my beloveds and becoming an orphan. I have no idea how to live alone without any family members to share moments and  memories with. This is not how we envision our future if we have had a family. Regardless of the circumstances, the loneliness is now what I face. One aspect of this situation as I age and am becoming more dependent on others for help, make me feel somewhat helpless. I so wish my 2 sons were able to meet that need.  I wake up every morning still wishing I wouldn't have to but without the level of anxiety I once did. To learn acceptance is a very difficult journey indeed. Probably the greatest. As human beings we need the support, company and interactions with others. It's in our genes.

I have met some very nice people in this building and it almost seems like a small community in that we all care about each other and check to see how everyone is doing. Have never had this experience before but am very happy about this turn of events. Had no idea a year ago, how I would make new friends. The good news is, I have. 

~Tutte~

A Postcript to my last Post

Subsequent to my major fall a few weeks ago, from which I have almost fully healed except for my left arm which seems to have an undiagnosed injury to the muscle which is contracted into a different and firm position but doesn't cause any pain. The major hematoma on my temple has healed and the stitches have been removed. I still have a slight one next to my right eye but it is diminishing gradually. All the bruising is now gone so I don't have to scare anyone I encounter when venturing out any longer. I feel perfectly fine. Haven't had a PTSD attack either for which I am so thankful. Did have a 3 months episode after my fall a year ago.

A few weeks ago, I ran into my Manager and stated, "I don't know if I thanked your properly for coming to my rescue." Her response, much to my surprise, was that she hadn't. A women in the building who was going to work early, saw me lying halfway into the hallway all bloody so knocked on the Manager's door to tell her to call 911. Which she did.

It's another indication of how angels present themselves in my life when I have a need. The manager told me she never heard any of my calls for help. Had it not been for the gal upstairs getting off the elevator, I could have bled to death. Are there really coincidences. I don't think so.

I have so much to be grateful for. Have made sure that my new cell phone is working and with me at all times since I have no idea when I will fall again. It provides me with some security.

Also finally purchased a decent pair of shoes that allows for much more stability versus the comfy sandals I have been wearing for the last 7 years. Not sure why I hadn't done that before. I expect that the cost was a deterrent. However, decided that regardless of the cost, it is worth my not falling down again. But I do need to say that I have only had two falls outside my apt. all the others occured inside. Accidents can happen anywhere and regardless of what precautions we take, they can't always be avoided. That's why the are called accidents.

~ Tutte ~

Third Fall this Year

This time as I was picking up a pair of slack off my bed to hang in my closet. I forgot about the sharp corner of my very low Danish bed as I was going to bed around 4 am. I tripped over it, lost my balance and  hit the side of my sharp cornered night table with my left shoulder and the flipped over to my right side and hit the right corner full force with my right forehead. I have hit that corner so many times in the last 45 years but only put a divot in my calf. Obviously not a practical design.

As usual when I fall and I can't get up, I tried to butt crawl to the side of my bed thinking I could hoist myself up but because of the pain in that arm, I couldn't so I butt crawled into the living room hoping to find some way to reach my phone but couldn't. I was pouring blood profusely so decided my only option was to butt crawl my way to the front door and fortunately was able to hoist myself up enough to unlock the door, open it and fall head first into the hallway and call for help. My manager who lives next door came out immediately and I told her to call 911. I think I passed out several times briefly but the ambulance arrived within minutes. She phone my friend Liz and told her what had happened and Liz arrived a few hours later and stayed for most of the day. She is such a sweetheart.

I was taken to the hospital and my clothes were cut off. I couldn't believe the amount of blood when I saw how soaked my blouse was.

Once in the ER. I was stitched up and taken for an MRI. No doubt to check if I had fractured my skull or had a concussion. Gratefully I didn't.

I was kept in the ER for two days (moved into the hallway the first night) until I finally discharged myself on Sunday. It seemed my injuries were not life threatening. I was observed for a day and I waited for hours for a doctor to discharge me. The hospital beds are so uncomfortable these days that I couldn't change positions and my shoulder pain became my primary focus. Just as when I was in Coquitlam last Feb. They put sheet on the bed that won't let you slide and when one has no strength in one arm or both, it's impossible to moved or get up. I was in do much pain that I couldn't stand one more minute. The nurse helped me with the forms. Of course I had no clothes, money, shoes etc. but the nurse phoned for a cab and I knew I could pay once I got home. Without any clothes, I wore a pair of men's hospital PJ pants, a gown and a blanket wrapped around my shoulder and a pair of socks. I went out on the sidewalk dressed in that attire to wait for the Taxi. Lo and behold, as I was standing there my girlfriend Lise approached me. She cancelled the cab and drove me home. Liz had phone her on Saturday night to tell her what had happened to me.

When I arrived home on Sunday, Lise told me that both she and Liz had been in my Apt. on Sunday morning and was shocked to see the condition my apt. was. Lise said it looked like a murder scene, with blood every and called in a Carpet Cleaner who arrived immediately and cleaned it twice. It should have been done the day before when the blood was fresh. As a result there are stains everywhere that will never disappear. Had a conversation around this with my manager but will save the details for another time.

How grateful I am, to have 2 wonderful friends who always come to my assistance. My upstairs neighbour June became concerned Saturday when she didn't see any lights in my apt. so knocked on the Manager's door to find out if she knew if there was a problem with me. She was informed and walked all the way to the hospital to come visit me. I love this woman. We have each other's back because we share so many similarities in terms of our life stories/health issues and she is the only one who can really understand. That is probably the bond that connected us immediately. I love her greatly.

Arriving home and getting into my own bed and falling asleep at 6 pm after 3 nights of no sleep and no food, I was able to sleep until 5 the next AM. When I looked in the mirror I was shocked to see my reflection. I looked like Dracula's daughter. Today, I look much worse. I have a huge egg on my right temple which has 8 - 10 stitches. That's okay, the Hematoma will eventually subside. But in the process, I have red/black eye. The right side of my face is swollen and progressively turning green to dark purple. All the way to my collar bone and back to the middle of my neck. Have never seen anything like it. Just like with my knee last year. My left shoulder also suffered some major trauma, so I have a bandage on part of it that I haven't really checked out. Must have some scraping or whatever that made it bleed. My arm is purple/black from the shoulder to my elbow and very swollen. Another hematoma. Only the shoulder joint is painful and I may have to see the Chiro once it healed. They only thing that is really painful apart of my shoulder is the amount of blood caked in my hair. It hardened to the point where they have become scabs and can't be combed out. No doubt there is a method to do this and an attempt was made when I was in the hospital without much luck. Since I have been home, I have tried with my nails to break them up by crumpling into smaller pieces so that eventually they can be dissolved. I haven't wanted to do anything until the stitches are removed and I have an appt. on Friday for that and for a dressing change to my left arm. As usual, I broke my glasses so will attempt to have them fixed tomorrow.

I have made a decision re my hair, that if the blood knots can't be dissolved, I will shave my head. Probably won't make any difference when I go out. I wear a cap anyway since I have such little hair left and no hairdo. Lot's of women have lost their hair due to Chemo. That will be a another lesson in terms of being able to relate. Wouldn't if be lovely if my hair grew in thicker and curly?

I bought a cell phone months ago to help me and discovered some weeks ago I had a problem and it wasn't working. Lise and I figured out what the problem was, she had the same with a different phone, we managed to solve the problem, so now I carry it with me all the time. Of course that doesn't prevent me from falling but does provide security for getting help. My legs have really become unstable in the last year. Talked to my MD about it and he said it is part of the aging process and due to my Spinal Stenosis. Can't do anything about either condition so am not left with much reassurance that it won't happen again. I continue to walk to build up my core and leg muscles.

I'm sure there a details that I forgotten but wanted to provide an overview of what happened.

No need to respond. I am doing just fine and don't expect this will create another PTSD episode. But who knows? It never happens until months later. I Pray it doesn't. I will update you.

~ Tutte ~

Hungry for Love

 

Hungry for love, He looks at you.
Thirsty for kindness, He begs of you.
Naked for loyalty, He hopes in you.
Homeless for shelter in your heart, He asks of you.
Will you be that one to Him?

 

~ Mother Teresa

I often wonder why our heartstrings are tugged by the sight of an animal in distress versus a human being. I have no idea what it is in our brains that make such a differentiation in our response and acceptable. Perhaps it is easier in terms of feeling like we can control a small issue like rescuing animals versus trying  to save  a  huge population  who is in dire distress. I expect this was brought home to me today since Congress didn't pass the bill to help the out the Sandy Hurricane victims. It took 10 days after Katrina and now 2 months after the worst storm in US history to hit the Eastern Seaboard with so many victims  they don't feel a need to help out. I am so glad I am not a resident of the US. The promise of the American Dream interpreted by those of us on the outside is a huge illusion  intended to provide for the wealthy/corporations versus the middle class. The US  has reverted to the feudal system of the past. This in not the definition of Democracy. I would far more prefer Socialism versus Capitalism. Have to stop writing since I don't like this avenue of thought. Brings up too much conflict for me. I am constantly trying to stay in a peaceful space.

~ Tutte ~

I Prayed For

I prayed for change, so I changed my mind.
I prayed for guidance and learned to trust myself.
I prayed for happiness and realized I am not my ego.
I prayed for peace and learned to accept others unconditionally.
I prayed for abundance and realized my doubt kept it out.
I prayed for wealth and realized it is my health.
I prayed for a miracle and realized I am the miracle.
I prayed for a soul mate and realized I am the One.
I prayed for love and realized it’s always knocking, but I have to allow it in.

~Jackson Kidder

If You are to Judge

If you are to judge a man, you must know his secret thoughts, sorrows, and feelings; to know merely the outward events of a man's life would only serve to make a chronological table-a fool's notion of history. De Balzac

 
~ Honoré De Balzac

My Wish for You

More than anything I wish peace for everyone personally but more importantly, on a global scale. I want war to cease, the destruction of the planet. Water and food to be available to everyone regardless of where they live. I want cruelty to end whether towards humans or animals. 

I want fairness and justice for all. Oh, I could go on and on with what I view as to what is wrong with the world. I can't do much but I can change my attitude and develope a level of empathy and compassion and with a silent voice wherever I can express it, I hope to make a difference.

~ Tutte~

Subsequent to "Another Miracle Happened to Me"

Ever since that extraordinary incident happened to me, every time I go out at night and walk at that same location, I am reminded of this miraculous moment and wonder what made it happen and why to me? After weeks of contemplating this question, I have come to the conclusion that it happened because when I fell, I was trying to help someone else who I thought was in a stressful or perhaps life threathening situation. My intention was focused on someone else without any concern for my own safety. I expect most people who have experienced the same would concur with my assessment.

~ Tutte ~

Happy New Year